So everybody's meditating these days. If you're an artist, you may have experienced great floods of creative energy during those rare stretches of time in which you mustered enough discipline to practice relaxing a bit. If not, you weren't doing it right.  The following exercises will help you begin to purge your reservoir of precious angst. Be warned: These exercises are not like yoga or any other kind of pop-meditation techniques. These are potent. If you get unreasonably uncomfortable, take a break and go for a walk - or eat something that comforts you.

First, hum and chatter. Hum from the depths of your voice box. Use "OMMMMM" or just "MMMMM." Do this for one or two minutes. Next, using your tongue, chatter - say "DA DA DA DA or "BA BA BA BA BA" for a minute or two. Next, stick out your jaw as far as you can and continue humming and chattering. Do this for two or three minutes.

Next, pull your shoulders up as if you were trying to touch them to your ears. When they start feeling tired, drop them as low as you can. Repeat this three times in two-to-three-minute intervals.

Next, with your mouth closed, take in a deep breath, inflating your chest and pulling your stomach up. Be sure to pull your belly in. Hold for a count of seven, and then let the chest fall and the belly relax. Repeat this 10-20 times. Be sure to allow an additional seven count to elapse in between breaths.

Next, turn your head from side to side as far as you can for two or three minutes.

Next, while lying down on your back, hold your legs about four inches off the ground and stretch outward. Hold this position as long as you can, then let them drop. Repeat two or three times.

Next, with your mouth slightly open, breathe rapidly, sighing as you exhale. Do it for two or three minutes. If you get light headed, stop.

Now is a good time to lie down again. Take 10 minutes to sense and feel your body. Make a mental note of every sensation you feel. Try and focus on physical sensation, rather than the thoughts that emerge.

After 10 minutes, assume some sort of meditative posture.  Make sure your eyelids are not tightly closed, but relaxed. Make sure your jaw is relaxed and not tense. Try sticking out your tongue. If you have to lower your jaw to do so, it's too tense. Make sure your forehead isn't wrinkled. Make sure your throat is not blocked by holding your head in the wrong position. Make sure it's straight. To reduce bubbling thoughts, keep the eyes relaxed and still, with your tongue touching the roof of your mouth. Do not move your larynx, and say "OMMMMMMM." It is best to do this before or a few hours after eating, in a cool, comfortable, quiet space - with an empty bladder and bowels.

Try it for 10-20 minutes. Then go create something. See what happens.

Joe Malik is a jaded, ornery, "power to the people type" that can't help but comment on all the stupid, awesome, or just plain questionable stuff he sees within the local arts community. Basically, he's kind of an arts-centric asshole - but we like him. The Weekly Volcano doesn't always agree with what he says, but we do enjoy stirring the pot.