Parties in general, but holiday parties in particular, are tentatively negotiable fields of landmines. The added pressure of, let's say, out-of-town relatives being in attendance, or the murky phenomenon that is the work party, can turn an otherwise genial get-together into a perpetually self-regenerating faux pas machine. As a man who is (perhaps excessively) adept at humiliating himself at parties, allow me to give you some tips on etiquette - drawn from my own personal experiences - to which you might adhere in order to avoid embarrassment in the coming months.

Mingling

In polite company, it is never acceptable to approach a pretty girl and begin quoting from The Shawshank Redemption. No one cares to hear how, much like Andy Dufresne, you "crawled through 500 yards of shit" and came out clean on the other side. The best you can hope for in this situation is stunned silence, and the worst you can expect is that the pretty girl might be carrying pepper spray. Try, instead, noticing the weather outside and making note of it to your fellow party guests.

Gift-Giving

Lottery tickets are less a stocking stuffer and more a complete insult to any dignified gift-receiver. If you are the one receiving the scratch ticket, do your best to not have an aneurism and expire right there on the carpet. Grit your teeth and, with every muscle in your body, accept the trash you've been given and discreetly dispose of it in the nearest fire. If you are the one considering giving a scratch ticket as a gift, take a moment and really think about the choices you've made in your worthless life and, oh, I don't know, maybe get a gift card instead.

Food and Drink

It is important to never be the drunkest person at any given party. Leave that to your surly uncle whom you haven't seen in at least a decade. He is your pace car, and you would do well to trail a healthy distance behind him. If you should find yourself at an unacceptable level of intoxication, do not take advantage of this newfound freedom by confessing to those around  you how much you've secretly hated them since time immemorial and/or make a questionable choice of sexual partner. The holidays are not a strange country, so don't behave as though your fellow party guests' memories will be summarily erased the following day.

Making Your Getaway

With the exception of your loneliest of acquaintances, no one enjoys stragglers wearing out their welcome at a party. "No presents, just your presence" is merely a saying, so act as though your party host has better things to do with his/her time than stare at your mug all night. When it comes time to leave, work your way from the back of the room in as straight a line as possible to the front door. This way, you will attempt to avoid the nearly unavoidable sensation of remaining in the company of people to whom you've already said goodbye. Some cultures consider this experience to be worse than death, and this culture is one of them.

Party at your own risk.