They're showing 87 different films at this year's Tacoma Film Festival! I'm limited to 700 words for this article!  That's an average of just eight words for each film!  I'll have to do it in haiku just to cover everything! Junior High Remedial Poetry, don't fail me now!

(Volcano Editor-in-Chief Pappi Swarner advises me that the world isn't ready for such avant-garde journalism, so here are nine of my top picks for this year.)

Laggies - Thursday, Oct. 9, 7 p.m., The Grand Cinema

(Opening Night Mixer at 9 p.m.)

TFF 2014 starts with this sweet, star-studded romantic comedy from director Lynn Shelton. Thrown into a panic when her boyfriend proposes, twentysomething slacker Megan (Keira Knightley) spends a week hiding out with her 16-year-old friend Annika (Chloë Grace Moretz) and Annika's dad Craig (Sam Rockwell).

Stick around for the Opening Night Mixer after the show!

The Two Faces of January (w/ Leonard Maltin) - Friday, Oct. 10, 7 and 7:30 p.m., The Grand Cinema

(Preshow Reception at 6 p.m.)

After a delicious preshow meal catered by Maxwell's Restaurant & Lounge, enjoy a very special screening of Hossein Amini's The Two Faces of January.

Adapted from Patricia Highsmith's 1964 novel, this nailbiting thriller finds professional con man Chester (Viggo Mortensen), his wife Colette (Kirsten Dunst) and shifty tour guide Rydal (Oscar Isaac) on the lam together after they're implicated in a murder.

Legendary film critic and historian Leonard Maltin will lead an in-theater discussion following the show.

Life Partners - Friday, Oct. 10, 10:15 p.m., Monday, Oct. 13, 9:45 p.m., The Grand Cinema

Straightlaced and straight Paige (Gillian Jacobs) makes a pact with her best friend, sapphic slacker Sasha (Leighton Meester), that she won't get married until Sasha has the same legal right. When Paige falls for handsome doctor Tim (Adam Brody), the two women struggle to find a place for him in their "womance" in this touching comedy from director Susanna Fogel.

Mudbloods - Saturday, Oct. 11, 12:45 p.m., The Grand Cinema

What they lack in flying brooms they more than make up for in enthusiasm! This endearing documentary from director Farzad Nikbakht follows the UCLA Quidditch Team as they help adapt the magical sport from the Harry Potter novels for real-world athletic competition and make their way to the Fifth Annual Quidditch World Cup in New York City.

UCLA Quidditch Team Captain Thomas Marks will be attending the screening.

Zero Motivation - Saturday, Oct. 11, 6:45 p.m., Monday, Oct. 13, 4:30 p.m., Tuesday, Oct. 14, 8:45 p.m., The Grand Cinema

Jarhead meets Office Space in this dark comedy from director Talya Lavie.  Two Israeli Defense Force soldiers, Zohar (Dana Ivgi) and Daffi (Nelly Tagar), spend their time getting into office shenanigans with their fellow soldiers, all the while counting down the hours until they can finally leave their boring base.

OJ: The Musical - Saturday, Oct. 11, 9 p.m., Sunday. Oct. 12, 9:45 p.m., The Grand Cinema

Never has there been a story more worthy of musical interpretation than that of NFL great Orenthal James Simpson's brave struggle to prove his innocence in the wake of two brutal murders. At least that's how eccentric theater artist Eugene (Jordan Kenneth Kamp) sees it in this hilarious mockumentary from director Jeff Rosenberg.

My Last Year with the Nuns - Sunday, Oct. 12, 1:30 p.m., Museum of Glass

In this whimsically nostalgic documentary from director Bret Fetzer, Matt Smith monologues on his days as a 13-year-old Catholic schoolboy in 1960s Seattle. Smith reminds us why early adolescence is a time we gladly leave behind and miss dearly in equal measure.

Kumiko, The Treasure Hunter - Sunday, Oct. 12, 7:15 p.m., The Grand Cinema

Kumiko (Rinko Kikuchi) believes the film Fargo is a treasure map to a hidden stash of money somewhere in the Minnesota wilderness in this dramedy from director David Zellner.

Glena - Sunday, Oct. 12, 9:30 p.m., The Grand Cinema

Hey moms! Tired of your kids shirking their chores, not doing their homework and back-sassing you? Take a page from Glena Avila's playbook! This inspiring documentary from director Allan Luebke follows Glena as she juggles being a single mother with her career as a mixed martial artist.

For tickets, showtimes and a complete roster of this year's films, visit TacomaFilmFestival.com.

Tacoma Film Festival 2014

The Grand Cinema presents a celebration of independent film mirroring the diverse and eclectic sensibilities of Western Washington's second largest city, Tacoma. Including selections from the Pacific Northwest and all over the world, the Tacoma Film Festival prides itself on showcasing the connectedness of local, national and international film.

Thursday, Oct. 9-Thursday, Oct. 16

Single film tickets: $6-$10.

Punch card for 10 TFF film screenings: $75

VIP Pass for unlimited TFF film screenings, including opening an dclosing night events, T-shirt and bitchin' gift bag: $150.

Premiere Pass includes all VIP goods plus admission to TFF Primetime Friday with Leonard Maltin: $190

Main Venue: The Grand Cinema, 606 S. Fawcett, Tacoma

Other Venues: Museum of Glass, Tacoma Community College, UN Tacoma's Carwein Auditorium

Complete film schedule and more information: tacomafilmfestival.com