If I see one more female order a Michelob Ultra or Smirnoff Ice I may consider a sex-change operation; that’s how embarrassed I am of my gender being duped by million-dollar ad campaigns. And it's not just the packs of striped-hair, Marlboro-voiced loudmouths ordering the stuff, either. I'm seeing otherwise intelligent, tough sisters paying $3.50 for Michelob’s Essence of Beer-Flavored Water, and countless others swigging the Smirnoff alcopop as though they had those 228 calories to waste. Not me.  I'm a Jäger girl through and through.  Except I want the phone number of the chaps slowly repairing the Engine House No. 9's Jäger machine.  I want it now. â€" Suzy Stump

Some 2,000 high school students from across Washington packed The 5th Avenue Theatre for the Fourth Annual 5th Avenue High School Awards last Thursday to see who won top honors.
The top winning school from the South Sound was Curtis High School, which won two theater honors for “Guys and Dolls.” Those awards went to Sonya Meyer for her portrayal of “Mimi” and outstanding hair and makeup. 
Other South Sound awards went to best male actor: Kevin Selland as “Greylag” in Bethel High School’s “Honk!”
TVW will broadcast The 5th Avenue High School Awards Ceremony, in its entirety, on Monday June 12th at 8 p.m. and Saturday, June 17th at 7p.m.
After June 12, the event may also be viewed in streaming video at TVW and will be available for viewing via Comcast ON DEMAND. â€" Steve Dunkelberger

FMQB reports: Bob Dylan's next album will be titled Modern Times and will be released on Aug. 28, according to a new report from the U.K.'s NME magazine. Critics say there's three masterpieces on it.  More story here. â€" Brad Allen

OK, since 10 people have sent this to us, the Weekly Volcano will succumb and post.  It's the hottest video on the Net right now. â€" Brad Allen

The Anna Armstrong White Foundation, a non-profit program to help people home from the nightclubs before creating a DUI accident, has selected Lady Luck in Parkland as it's first South Sound partner.  Here's how the program works according to the Foundation's Web site:

• In participating bars and restaurants, intoxicated patrons or their friends ask the server for an "Anna's Ride Home" voucher.
• The server gets the voucher from the bartender.
• The server or bartender writes the address of the intoxicated/impaired person on the voucher.
• The bartender calls the cab company, which sends a cab to the bar or restaurant and takes the person/people to the address on the voucher.

This service is free to the patron/patrons, and paid for by the Anna Armstrong White Foundation and cooperating establishments. â€" Ken Swarner

The Skate-N-Station in Parkland rocks out Saturday night with an all night skate featuring Puyallup's Idol Jasmine Coates.  The fun starts at 9 p.m. The cost is $15. â€" Ken Swarner

Bumbershoot, er, presents "Bumbershoot Presents: People Talking & Singing," a show featuring, hmm, people talking and singing, Friday, Sept. 1, 8 p.m. at McCaw Hall.  Benefiting the youth writing and tutoring center 826 Seattle, this show features Pulitzer Prize finalist and McSweeney's co-founder Dave Eggers, comedian, author, and social observer Sarah Vowell, author, personality, and sometimes musician Daniel Handler ("Lemony Snicket"), Magnetic Fields' Stephin Merritt and other special guests talking and singing. Although tagged with the Bumbershoot seal of approval, this event is a separate paid ticket from the Bumbershoot Festival.
Tickets for "Bumbershoot Presents: People Talking & Singing" are $30 reserved seating and are available now through an exclusive pre-sale offer for brainiacs who subscribe to the free Bumbershoot BumberFan club in hopes that they might receive an offer like this and get close to enough to Sarah Vowell to snatch her and carry her around in their shirt pocket and learn many wonderful things. 
Public on-sale will be on Friday, June 23 at 10 a.m. at Ticketmaster locations. â€" Suzy Stump

With all the anti-French sentiment still hanging around, the Weekly Volcano feels it's our duty to remind those Francophobes of one crucial fact: It was Groundskeeper Willie, not Bart Simpson, who uttered the epithet "cheese-eating surrender monkeys." Get it right, folks, and come hear other gems at the Simpsons Trivia Night tonight at Le Voyeur in Olympia. The Weekly Volcano won't claim an encyclopedic knowledge of all 300 episodes, but somewhere out there is an ubergeek who can. The battle begins at 10 p.m.  Expect cool prizes. â€" Brad Allen

ON THIS DATE IN HISTORY. 1977: The voice of Fred Flintstone, Alan Reed, died at the age of 69.  Reed never fully recovered from the trauma over his failed rock stardom.  He recorded the song, “Listen to the Mockingbird,” at the Bedrock carnival, achieving cult hero status among the teen-agers.  His wife encouraged him to call the radio station.  He refused because he was afraid that success would go to his head and life on the road would not be suitable for his family. Despite this, his wife went behind his back and called the radio station.  He became an instant smash and went on tour under the name of “Hi-Fi.” Sure enough, success went to his head, and his wife discovered traveling on a tour bus was not so glamorous after all.  So instead of telling him she would rather go home while he finishes up the tour, the selfish skank sabotaged his career by spreading a rumor that “Hi-Fi” was a square.  As Bobble Tiki knows, fame comes briefly for most people and the singing career would have blown out on its own.  BUT NOOOOO! his wife had to destroy a career when he TOLD HER SHE WOULD BE MISERABLE IN THE FIRST PLACE. â€" Bobble Tiki

Thursday, June 8, and Friday, June 9
Lisa of Free Tacoma Project was running the door at Club Zoë for the Urban Art Festival fund-raiser show Thursday. She is just adorable and has the raddest wardrobe. I noticed The Forgery has a new drummer. Are keyboards next, Caleb?
Friday night Brad Allen and Natasha had a good run around Tacoma. I was supposed to meet them, but instead I had a government to overthrow (read: I didn't feel like it). Hanging at The Swiss (that place is Brad's woobie) and the new Duke's on the waterfront, closing it down after doing shots with off-duty servers - that is so my style. Dedset singer Jeff Burch celebrated a birthday at the Swiss and had a fun time with friends and the Boinkers.

Saturday, June 10
Breakfasted with Pappi Swarner at Alfred's Bubble Room. Next, we were first timers at Puyallup's Meeker Days and took it all in. As soon as we walked in, a giant plushy bee hugged me and totally crept me out. We stopped to say hey to artist Jake Hose, who was painting live in front of a gallery. We did the tour of view, sample, buy - I purchased a chunky, pink stone bracelet and drop pearl earrings from Green Pepper Art Co. We giggled behind our hands at people who looked like Gary Larson cartoon characters.
Back in T-town, we hit Rampart Art Gallery to see Uncle Steve and the interior's makeover in progress. The place was positively zinging with energy.  I grabbed a bite at Puget Sound Pizza with artist James Hume. Owner Jim knows the way to this girl's heart, making sure we were well taken care of - not hard to do with his good staff. The little kid in me loves that they have root beer and beer all in the same place (I know I'm a dork, but that just tickles me).
The Scuzztones rocked The Spar in Old Town Tacoma that night. Chesty Meow had herself a fine time while the crowd around her went nuts, even screaming a little. Some of the band members of Girl Trouble were in attendance.
Murphy and Trash's birthday was off the hook, crazy as H-E-double-toothpicks, and got out of hand.  And that was just his outfit! I expected no less. I whiled away my evening at Fort Bender, enjoying the mix of personalities of the guys from Broken Oars (who are gearing up for a West Coast tour shortly), The Frenchman and his lady (she always gives me the best wine tips), Superstar Asa, Kate's awesome cousin Carrie with magenta hair (she'd dyed it to match a bridesmaid dress and succeeded - woo-hoo!), Hogbot collaborative artists, and Bender's bro. Speaking of Bender, he played some tracks from Seattle rappers Kirk Dubb and Mister Holmes' CD Thirsty. We all squealed with delight when they name-dropped him: "Been on more benders than James Bender." 

Sunday, June 11
I called up Chesty and was invited to preview Syren Lounge and Nightclub's interior. Through ladders, paint cans and the usual construction supplies, I could see she'd done a great job with the colors, accent pieces and the overall vibe. That place is going to look dope when it opens officially Friday, June 16, with The Lost Boys, Gene Lee, Sean Majors, DJ dAb.  Doors open at 8 p.m.  DJs spin at 10 p.m.

Live at Five
As part of downtown Tacoma's "Live at Five" Thursday night entertainment, four bands will perform on a stage in front of a floor to ceiling library in the bottom level of Sanford and Son. Heather 'n' Ross and The Give from Olympia will get the party started right. Tacoma's own killer power rock duo Lozen follows with band Robots in the Skies making their debut show. As Lozen says, "It's awesome! You gotta check it out." An espresso bar will be open to get you really psyched. Doors open at 6:30 p.m. Open to all ages. Will this be the next all-ages music venue? June 22, 7 p.m., all ages, no cover, Sanford and Son, Seventh and Commerce, Tacoma.

Give me a wink and a kiss here.  Knoxx knows.