Celebrating the return of his brother Jake as his writing partner, adding the Halloween season at hand, Weekly Volcano food critics Jake and Jason de Paul visited the Old Spaghetti Factory … dressed as Coneheads.

Announcer: The boys loved the “Saturday Night Live” Coneheads skit â€" the cones, the language and the requirement for satisfaction in mass quantities.  Most often, mass consumption translates to bland, overcooked food with no character, just bulk.  But just like yesteryear, the wacky boys picky taste buds found culinary satisfaction   while soothing their growling, impatient bellies … much to the angst of the neighboring trolley car tables.

Jake “Beldar” de Paul: High Master, oh how I enjoy the novelty of piles of starched strands amidst brand-new instant old-world flavor.  Back on planet Remulak, rubbish meets its demise in the flames of Kandor.  On this planet, it is celebrated â€" polished and haggled by greedy humans on eBay.       

Jason “High Master Kuldroth” de Paul:  Agreement. Remulaks lacked human appreciation for warm wood paneling, crystal chandeliers, Tiffany-style lamps and stained glass accents, faux-brass bed frames fashioned into seats and a trolley plopped in the middle.   Notwithstanding, Remulaks would grin from tibble to tibble over the Factory’s clamor caused by tall ceilings and lack of carpeting.   

Beldar: As we converse I can distinguish the racket of glassware from ye ol’ bar across the room.  May I comment, I find the potent pours amiable.

High Master Kuldroth: Agreement.  While I find the house wine … how do you say … sucks, I receive pleasure from their strong drinks.

Beldar: Oh, how I wish I could transport back mass quantities of Fat Tire Amber for the Moon of Meepzor festivities.

High Master Kuldroth:  Is it just my cone, or do you find friendly, capable service underlined the utilitarian nature of the place.

Beldar: Affirmative.  During three cycles I have eaten here, I have noticed each time large tables, presumably family units, who linger comfortably over their mass quantities, sharing from the delicious  baked bread at the center of the table, stopping to converse and digest, then digging back in. The environment is relaxed; the atmosphere is laid-back and unpretentious â€" no worries about which pronged device to use or whether to sniff the wine before consumption.

Little Girl From Adjacent Table: Mommy, I’m scared.

High Master Kuldroth: The sensory overload distracts attention from the food:  better than average and very populist cheap.  A complete meal can cost 10,000 mips (roughly eight bucks).  Basic spaghetti with mushroom sauce, dinner salad with bleu cheese, infinite quantities of bread and garlic butter, ice cream (with tea, coffee and milk) are a safe bet. 

Beldar: Don’t try to pull the larckors over my cone, you always augment your entrée to mammoth portions by purchasing the Hearty Meal deal for $1.50. 

High Master Kuldroth: Agreement.  However, if you pulled your cone out of your muldroth ion field, you’d notice I wave the spumoni or vanilla ice cream accompanying the complete meals.  I feel the molten lactate extract of hoofed mammals lacks flavor.   

Beldar: To each his cone. 

High Master Kuldroth:  In addition to five varieties of spaghetti sauces, including the esteemed spaghetti with brown butter and mizithra cheese, other consumables include baked lasagna, chicken parmigiana and marsala, fettuccine, ravioli and tortellini â€" all  $10.85 or less for a complete meal.   None may warble of genuine Italian origins, but who is tasting too attentively at these prices?

Beldar: Especially when they named a dish after your wife, Mizithra.