The Weekly Volcano will skip the the Happy New Year dribble and general feeble-witted written retch, and instead offer our post New Year' Eve party cleaning tips.  Whether you’re removing lipstick from the couch or cigarette stains from the armoire, we have you covered.

Removing red wine from carpet
If the wine starts flowing a little too freely, pour club soda onto the spill as soon as possible. Later, make a paste of equal parts baking powder and Borax mixed with cold water. Spread the paste on the stain; after it dries, vacuum up the remains.

Removing wax from carpet/upholstery
The Weekly Volcano assumes it’s just a candle meltdown you’re facing, but who is he to judge?  Place an ice cube on the wax for three to five minutes. When the wax is brittle, chip off the excess with a spatula. Then take a paper towel, fold it in half and place it over the remaining wax. Warm an iron to medium heat and place the iron on top of the paper towel. Do not move the iron around â€" you’ll just spread the wax. When you lift up the iron, the paper towel will have absorbed the wax.

Removing beer stains
If it was amateur night during the quarters game, soak the damaged items in a solution of two cups of cool water and 1/4 cup of distilled white vinegar. If things really got out of hand, try something a bit stronger: Blot the area with a solution of one tablespoon of hydrogen peroxide and 1/2 cup of cool water.

Removing vomit from carpet/upholstery
It’s nasty and bound to happen, and the sooner you pull out the spatula and dustpan to clean up the, uh, excess, the sooner you can apply a solution of a 1/4 cup of baking soda and one cup of warm water. Blot immediately, and then forget about the whole mess.

Removing lipstick stains
If guests got a little too lovey-dovey and left big lip smackers on your couch, pillows or clothing, douse the area well with hairspray, then rub hard with a bar of hand or laundry soap. Out of hairspray and soap? Try a solution of baking soda and lemon juice.

Removing bloodstains
It’s a good idea to always have baking soda around â€" especially during your Jackass banister stunt. To hide the evidence, make a paste of baking soda and cold water, apply and let it sit until dry, then rinse it off. For bloodstains of Dexter proportions, soak the area in hydrogen peroxide.

Removing that leftover beer-and-cigarette stench
Place bowls of white vinegar around the house; they’ll absorb any odor. If the in-laws are coming by and you need a quick fix, dab a little of your favorite perfume or cologne on the top of a cool lightbulb. Turn on the light, and the room will smell like flowers or musk or patchouli in no time.

LINK: Or just go to the movies