MATT DRISCOLL: LIVE FROM HIS COUCH >>>

4:58 p.m. - It's just about time for all the Academy Awards madness to begin. In case you can't tell, I'll be live blogging the whole damn fiasco. In truth, I'm doing this more because I like being able to say "live blogging" than because I know anything about movies. I do know I like Jon Stewart, and I do know Regis makes me embarrassed for mankind. Both topics seem worthy of some live blogging.

5:13 p.m. - My wife and I are trying decide whether to order Thai or pizza. Any thoughts, Tacoma? Also, Mickey Rooney looks dead.

5:26 p.m. - Is it just me, or does the Oscar countdown on the bottom of the screen look like a big middle finger?

5:46 p.m. - I missed the first award presentation on a cigarette break. Apparently it had something to do costume design. Apparently someone won. Anyway, Gaydolf Titler.

5:50 p.m. - I'm watching with my lovely wife and daughter tonight, and the baby just took her first Oscar poop. Precious.

5:55 p.m. - Thank god. I have always said the world wouldn't be right until Ratatouille won an Oscar.

6:00 p.m. - By my count that was the second time the music has cutoff a thank-you happy winner. It kind of makes you wonder whether keeping the show to just under five hours is worth the rudeness.

6:01 p.m. - The first musical performance has made me realize it absolutely is worth the rudeness to shorten this show any way possible.

6:08 p.m. - So the Rock's real name is Dwayne Johnson, huh? Wonder why he had to change it for wrestling?

6:15 p.m. - We're closing in on the award for Best Supporting Actor, the first biggie of the night.

6:19 p.m. - Javier Bardem emerges victorious for No Country for Old Men.

6:24 p.m. - The Thai food just showed up. Mmmm. Silky Special Beef.

6:39 p.m. - Tilda Swinton wins the award for Best Supporting Actress.

6:41 p.m. - Pappi Swarner just texted me with an update from the Rialto's Academy Awards Party. He says it's three fourths full, and the sound is really loud. Local artist James Hume is reportedly sporting a burgundy jacket, and Teddy Haggarty is wearing gold tennis shoes from Belgium.

6:55 p.m. - These musical performances are atrocious. Seriously. Really bad.

7:07 p.m. - Pappi Swarner reports the hot raffle item at the Rialto's Oscars party is a Snakes on a Plane DVD.

7:13 p.m. - And the Oscar for Best Actress in a Leading Role goes to...

7:14 p.m. - Another damn foreigner.

7:16 p.m. - My wife just bitched me out for referring to Marion Cotillard as another damn foreigner.    

7:35 p.m. "Nicole Kidman is not pretty. There. I said it." - Pappi Swarner

7:46 p.m. - I think I should get hazard pay for putting up with the musical performances.

7:50 p.m. - John Travolta gets booed at my house. How about yours?

7:56 p.m. - Why wasn't P Diddy's movie nominated? I think I saw John Stamos was in it.

8:02 p.m. - Does anyone else feel bad for the dead folks who don't get clapped for in this montage of deceased film people?

8:19 p.m. - This is starting to feel like it'll never end.

8:25 p.m. - Diablo Cody just won an Oscar for writing Juno. Definitely a highlight.

8:37 p.m. - Daniel Day-Lewis is, apparently, this year's best leading actor. I have my doubts.

8:45 p.m. - The Cohen brothers just won their second Oscars of the night. No Country for Old Men is having a big night.

8:46 p.m. - OMG. I think it's almost over...

8:47 p.m. - Did I mention No Country for Old Men was having a big night? The film just won best picture. Cormac McCarthy is at the Oscars, which is kind of weird. Thank god Oprah brought him out of hiding.

8:50 p.m. - The Academy Awards have officially ended. If you started watching at 5 p.m., like this live blogger, that's three hours and fifty minutes of your life wasted. My wife pointed out how thankful she is for Jon Stewart. Imagine if Billy Crystal was still hosting. Tonight's big winner was No Country, and the big loser was everyone who was forced to sit through the musical performances.

Here are a few photos from The Grand Cinema's Academy Awards Party at the Rialto Theater.

The 30-something dudes dressed as Juno and Bleeker won the costume contest beating little Charlie Chaplin.