BEER
Christmas in July
Chestnuts roasting outdoors in the sun,
Jack Frost nipping at the brew;
Yuletide carols being slurred by the crowd,
And folks dressed up like  J. Crew.
Me read in Mel Torme's autobiography how Mel and a buddy banged out "The Christmas Song" in 45 minutes one sweltering July afterrrnoon.  Ye have to admirrre that.  Ye also have to admire Parrrkway Tavern's Christmas in July celebration tonight. 

Dem be serving Hair of the Dog Barleywine, Full Sail's Cask Conditioned Wreck the Halls (Yo ho ho), and Deschutes Nitro Jubelale among many more grog.- Milt Grimm
[Parrrkway Tavern, 5 p.m., 313 N. I St., Tacoma, 253.383.8748]

VIDEO ART
The Tollbooth Gallery
No secret that ye Tollbooth Gallery met Davy Jones' Locker last yearrr when Artrod and Critical Line gallery made lily-livered getaways. I yearned for its return. It was far superior to me Salty Technical College video arrrt project. Yo-ho-ho th' video kiosk is back! Tacoma Contemporarrry grabbed ye kiosk at 11th and Broadway in Tacoma's T'eater District. Justin Colt Beckman put a video and mixed media show called Honky Tonkin' in it. Beckman plays a hillbilly music singer juxtapo-something with TVÃ' Hee Haw show. Me thinks its worthy of the Humanistic Order of Oceanic Knavery award. -" Pirate Diego the Pink
[Tollbooth Gallery, 24 hours, seven days a week, 11th and Broadway, Tacoma, www.tollboothgallery.org]

BLUES
Teddy Lee Hooker
Teddy Lee Hooker would likely have followed a different path had it ne'er been fer t' influence of John Lee Hooker. Teddy Lee Hooker has placed second in t'Southern California Blues Society's International Blues Talent Show, and he's been crowned "Best Blues Artist of the Year" by t' South Bay Music Awards. If things be different, those could be Bobble Blackbeard's accomplishments.

On t' other hook, Bobble Blackbeard's pillaged more booty than most bobble souvenirs see in der lifetime, and swilled more grog than Kelsey Grammar. If things be different, that could be Teddy Lee Hooker's resumé

Luckily fer both of thems, things be how de be. Bobble Blackbeard loves bein' a gentleman o' fortune, and something tells Bobble Blackbeard that Teddy Lee Hooker loves bein' a blues guitarist.

Judgin' by his tunes, anyway. See fer yerself.- Bobble Blackbeard
[Jazzbones, Randy Oxford's Blues Theater jam starring Teddy Lee Hooker, 7 p.m., no cover, 2803 Sixth Ave., Tacoma 253.396.9169]

LINK: 206 Degrees & Rising Tour and more in the clubs tonight.
LINK: The new Hancock flick be in theaters.
LINK: Let's eat Italian today.

STEPH DEROSA: I FINALLY MADE IT TO BUD’S >>>

I had been dying to go into Bud’s of Milton for many years, and today I finally got my chance.

Bartender Trish was one of the nicest and most personable bartenders I’ve ever seen in action. She knew everyone in there by name (I think half of them were Bud’s employees anyway), had a clever smile the entire time, and carried on multiple friendly conversations as if she were Sybil herself.

The best part was the people sitting around the bar. One fella walked in with no shoes, and discussion began as he tried to remember where he left them. Discover what the next fella did here.

BOBBLE TIKI: BREAKFAST WITH BOBBLE TIKI >>>

THE DAILY WORD

Sanctum \SANK-tum\, noun;
plural sanctums or sancta::
1. A sacred place.
2. A place of retreat where one is free from intrusion.

USAGE EXAMPLE: In Bobble Tiki’s often times miserable life, he considers his only reliable sanctum to be the crapper. For 10 or 15 minutes every morning, like clock work, Bobble Tiki is at peace with the world. He’s also pooping.

MORNING NEWS

TACOMA: Acting strange

OLYMPIA: Fireworks still legal in Oly

SEATTLE: Goodbye, Sonics

UNITED STATES: How Republicans stole patriotism

ENVIRONMENT: How green are fireworks?

JUST BIZARRE:Wants to be a cop when he crows up

MORE STRANGE NEWS: Guess who makes more than he's worth?

THINGS TO DO TODAY
FILM LISTINGS: Look here
MUSIC LISTINGS: Here’s what’s happening
SHOOT THE SHIT: Weekly Volcano forums

KEN SWARNER: IT’S ALL ABOUT PIRATES THIS WEEK >>>

As lovingly played out in the Weekly Volcano this week, we were captured by pirates. Avast!

With Tall Ships in town, I esacped to converse with a few local lady pirates about their love of food and male pirates. Due to space constraints, the following is the complete transcripts of my conversation with members of The Marauding Mollys, a roller derby team in the Dockyard Derby Dames league:

KEN SWARNER: I understand that pirates have a ferocious appetite, however, on the high seas, the food, er, sucks. When on shore, where do you like to eat?

PSYCHOPATH CHICK: The Acme of course! They got the coldest beer in town, not to mention the stiffest drinks! And our Flag hangs there ... Arrrg! My diet consists of rum and PBR and an occasional taco.

SARATED EDGE: The Acme, of course. It's our home bar. The tomato sauce on the pizza keeps us from getting scurvy.

VICIOUS DIVALICIOUS: Well anywhere the ships are close for a fast getaway!

SWARNER: We’ve seen the tabloids, the reality shows, and the Geraldo Rivera specials, but really, honestly, what do lady pirates think of male pirates?

CHICK: I think Male Pirates are pretty cool ... when they're dead!

EDGE: Male pirates are so cute, especially when volunteering to help with our bouts. We make sure they get lots of views of short skirts and fishnet stockings. We feed them Murph's BBQ and cold PBR. It makes them happy.

DIVALICIOUS: Arrg fun to play with.

SWARNER: When not getting your fill, what do lady pirates do with the rest of their time?

EDGE: When not eating, I knock down weak vampire chicks, tiny little Irish girls, and slow homewrecking battle axes ... on wheels ... in fishnets.

DIVALICIOUS: Drink rum, pillage, and plunder. We really like hanging at the Acme!

Enough said … I guess.

LINK: Weekly Volcano's Dish section

DANIEL BLUE: MEET LIZ SPARKS >>>

Liz Sparks is a woman of class and pedigree. She moved to downtown Tacoma in 2003 and fell in love with the people. Currently she works at Veritas Mortgage, and lives in Sky Terrace.

Her father owned a flower shop in Auburn as she was growing up, and she still helps out with deliveries on holidays. Liz is an extremely compassionate person.

She loves wine and wants you to sit, sip and tell her all your troubles and triumphs. 

I have told Liz secrets that very few living people know about me - I trust her without hesitation.

A giver of gifts, Liz has a near obsessive quality that turns her house into a factory around Christmas and wedding times. No one is forgotten, and she has multitudes of friends. I think she wants people to feel included and welcome in her life and in our city, she understands how important those kinds of gestures can be. Aside from being an excellent neighbor and community coalescent, she dreams of being a mother and continuing her goal of making the city a better place to live for everyone.

CAP’N RUMGUT: TALL SHIPS TACOMA EVENTS >>>

Ahoy, me hearties. Tis me, Cap’n Rumgut. Aft much addled planning and even more shipshape hype, Tall Ships Tacoma finally be upon us.

Shiver me timbers and gangway, mateys! Tis a time like no other. Wenches and lasses alike be tickled wit’ excitement. Store keeps, sutlers and swag merchants be gearing up for t’ madness. Members of t’ Weekly Volcano staff be ready to splice t’ mainbrace for days on end. Landlubbin’ corporate newspapers from all around t’ port known as Grit City be offering der poxed bilge about what you should do.

Check out me link here fer me and me mates’ list of Tall Ships Tacoma events for the entire length de be docked in Tacoma â€" including tonight’s Shorrre Leave celebration in Tollefson Plaza, TacomaOpolis on Saturday, Museum of Glass’ annual sale and the Black Pirate screening Sunday at the Rialto Theater.

Fer all the Tall Ships Tacoma information ye can shake a wooden leg at, be at th' official Web site.

LINK: Tall Ships Tacoma in the Weekly Volcano
LINK: Feature story on Black Pirate screening at Rialto Sunday
LINK: Tall Ships Tacoma on Spew

PIRATE BENJAMIN BILL: THEATER THURSDAY >>>

Grease
Grease will be making a slick stop at Tacoma Musical Playhouse, so stop by this port of call to learn all about th’ high school angst straight from Rydell High of 1959. There will be th’ hormonal and rebellious Danny and the closetly trampy Sandi. The show is going to shiver your timbers, if you get me meaning.
[Tacoma Musical Playhouse, through Aug. 3, 8 p.m. Friday-Saturday, 2 p.m. Sunday, $16-$23, 7116 Sixth Ave., Tacoma, 253.565.6767]

The Rocky Horror Show
For those pirates with a bit more colorrr in their pantaloons, Harlequin Productions will be staging the last week of its super sexual run of The Rocky Horror Show. Dis live sex fest of all things buggery follows the tale of an rough and ready couple who stumble into a mansion of alien love monkeys on a darrrk and stormy night.
[State Theater, 8 p.m. Thursday-Saturday, 2 p.m. Sunday, 202 Fourth Ave. E., Olympia, 360.786.0151]

Barefoot Collective
Barefoot Studios be dead. Long live Barefoot Collective.

The new Barefoot Collective be working to incorporate as a not-forrr-profit dedicated to the practice and performance of movement and related arrrts in a way a studio could only imagine. The venue  will continue to teach and work in the beautiful space everyone in the arts world knows as Barefoot Studios. But there will be more, much morrre.

The effort will add more classes, more faculty and more events starting in August and running through the New Year.

RONNIE SWARNER: REMEMBERING "SMOKY MOUNTAIN RAIN" >>>

Back when I was swimming what seemed to be 12 hours a day on the Lakes High School swim team, I would drag my partying butt out of bed at 4 a.m. for a bit of breakfast and tube before the pre-school team workout.  It never failed, while slurping up a bowl of Quisp, that My Three Sons would be interrupted with some K-tel crap that included Ronnie Milsap's "Smoky Mountain Rain" song. I Dream of Jeannie, Mayberry R.F.D., whatever, that freakin' commercial would pop on anchored by that Milsap ditty.

Sure enough, flip turn after flip turn, that song would replay over and over in my head during practice. Thankfully Mike Stauffer, father to Aaron Stauffer of Seaweed, was the coach. He would let us crank AC/DC from a boombox poolside.

Dumb story short, Ronnie Milsap will perform at the Puyallup Fair Sept. 15 for $15, $20, $25 and $35.  Tickets go on sale Saturday, July 12 at 10 a.m. through Ticketmaster.

No freakin' way am I going. Don't need that pain again.

MATT DRISCOLL: IT'S A LONG FALL >>>

Think Cindy Brady will forever be a cute little kid? Well, think again. Check this out.

Times change.