MICHAEL SWAN: NEWS TO US >>>

For the fourth goddamn time in, oh, about 18 minutes, the dumb-ass intern No. 1 at the Weekly Volcano failed to print a simple memo on company letterhead Wednesday. It became increasingly clear that intern Rusty Simultan prospects of lasting out the last days of summer were about as slim as near 70 degree temperatures on Sept. 18.

"Fifth time's a charm, huh?" Simultan said, laughing nervously as he inserted another page of the Volcano’s letterhead, which isn't exactly cheap, into the printer. "OK, I think I've got the thing oriented the right way this time. The last one came out right-side up, just on the wrong side of paper. So if I stick it in like this, that should do the trick."

The simpering, overeager college sophomore then made the brilliant move of putting the sheet into the main paper tray instead of â€" hello shithead! â€" the bypass tray, resulting in it being printed upside down on the fifth â€" the freakin' fifth â€" piece of letterhead. The office manager, apparently whose job it is nowadays to babysit the interns, later took over the daunting project.

In other news:

PIERCE COUNTY JAIL: The system needs a tune-up

THEATRE TUSSLE: Private management for Federal Way’s Knutzen Family Theatre angers some city officials

PIERCE COUNTY METER: Last week was rockin’