STEPH DEROSA: O CANADA! >>>

Once again, Tacoma’s very own flat track roller derby league, the Dockyard Derby Dames, are out for blood. This time they’ve suckered our skating neighbors up north â€" Calgary Roller Derby Association â€" into the Tacoma Soccer Center. Calgary Roller Derby must not know how to say “kick ass” in French, because these Canadians obviously have no idea what they’ve signed themselves up for: A world of American derby fury!

In honor of this Saturday’s international roller derby showdown, I’ve revamped the Canadian National Anthem, done Dockyard style. If I’m not already on my way, I’m definitely going to hell after this one:

O Canada!

You’ve come to skate our land!
True derby love in all fishnets command.

With spinning wheels we see thee fall,
Dockyard Dames strong and free!

She spreads them wide,
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

Refs keep our beer ice cold and free!

O Canada, we’ll give a bruise to thee.

O Canada, we’ll prep the medics for thee!

The Halftime show will be live music by Reality Check Juniors. The after party invades Puget Sound Pizza. Steph DeRosa waives all liability of any ass kickings due to the nature of above anthem parody. Please don’t hurt me.

[Tacoma Soccer Center, 7 p.m., $10-$12, 2610 Bay St E., Tacoma]