STEPH DEROSA: HORSE BUTTHOLE AT THE HOTEL MURANO >>>

Recently, the Weekly Volcano’s in-house drunk and amateur porn expert Steph DeRosa took some time to unwind from her usual debauchery at the Hotel Murano in beautiful downtown Tacoma. It’s what’s called a staycation â€" the combination of two words meant to describe vacationing while staying at home. Get it? Anyway, while combining words is stupid, Steph DeRosa’s experience at the Hotel Murano was not.

Here’s a look at how it went, taken directly from DeRosa’s booze stained diary.

I went in to chat with Dale Rush, a Bell Captain wannabe at Hotel Murano, a few weeks ago.  He’s the Trouble with DeRosa character that thinks Halloween is all the time, and likes to dress up in his Bell Captain costume every day of the year.  Apparently Murano management feels sorry for him because they let him help the guests anyway.  And on top of that, they actually pay him!  I’ll chalk that up to charity.  Good on ya, Hotel Murano.

While I was in the lobby, I asked Dale how well he knew the horse.  And I don’t mean, “knew the horse” in an Animal House kind-of way.  You know the horse I’m talking about â€" the life-sized black horse with socks on its feet.  What? You never noticed it has socks on?  Well, I did.  I noticed them right after I noticed that you could see its anus.

Dale told me they were for a special trick, an amazing display that would take place on Halloween at midnight.  Although I think Dale is deeply disturbed, I believed him.  Then I asked if anyone ever tried to get on the horse and ride it.  He answered, “Oh yeah - all the time.  But then they see the chord coming from it and realize they could get electrocuted.  This horse is plugged into a wall, you know.”  Oddly, I had never noticed that.  Noticed the butthole and the socks, but never the huge lamp coming from the horse’s head.  Go figure.

Next I went to Janette Simon, the front desk manager for Hotel Murano.  She and I go way back.  In 1999 I worked at the hotel with Janette.  I used to go cry in her office when things went wrong.  She was so nice and comforting.  I asked her if anything ever pissed her off while working the front desk.  “Rude, angry guests.  I just smile and be nice, but it’s not my fault you’re luggage was lost at the airport or your flight was late.  Get over it!” she answered.  That’s my girl!

I also asked Janette about the special display going on at midnight Halloween night that Dale had told me about.  Even though she usually thinks I’m crazy when I stop in to chat, this time she thought I was extra crazy.  There was going to be no special Halloween display.  Nor did anyone ever try and ride the horse.  The socks are on so that the floors won’t get scratched when they move Black Beauty.  Dale Rush, you’re on my shit list.  LIAR!

I guess that just means I’ll have to be the first person to ever try and straddle that horse in Hotel Murano’s lobby.   Don’t think I won’t try, either.

After checking in with Janette, I decided to stop into Bite for a, well, bite.  Look at the sparkly new façade!  And JeanClaudeVanDAMN their food is scrumptious!

The suites located on the 24th and 25th floor are phenomenally gorgeous.  They typically start at $429 a night, but if you have dirt on the front desk manager they’re a little cheaper.  Equipped with two bathrooms, a jetted tub, fine art, a wet bar, plasma TV, a private lounge with breakfasts and complimentary wine, and a living room with a view.  Speaking of the view, it is breathtaking.  Reason #368 why I love Tacoma.



Down each hall inventive displays focusing on individual, and very talented, artists surround the walk to your room and the elevators. 

I won’t get into the specifics of my overnight  (pending court case against the circus clown I hired), but I will say the service was impeccable and the hotel was glorious.  AND they’re letting me pay off my damage deposit in quarterly paycheck withholdings.  Such good people, those Murano folks.

Dale even let me have a treat as I was escorted out of, I mean left, the building.  He said it was a special treat, for special guests, and I was one of those “special” guests.  I found it unnecessary for him to actually make the “quote” sign with his fingers as he said the word “special,” but whatever. 

Awww, Dale, maybe you’re not as delusional as I thought you were. I’ll definitely be back soon for another luxurious staycation at Tacoma’s very own Hotel Murano.