PAUL SCHRAG: HANGOVER PREVENTION >>>

While everyone else is telling you where to get bent, I’m here to tell you how to straighten out the next morning. Hangovers are the inevitable consequence of the annual cavalcade of debauchery we call New Year’s Eve, and they suck. But fear not, the angels of hedonism have sent wisdom to soothe you.

First, none of this should replace or be construed as professional medical advice. If you have an allergic reaction to bananas, don’t say it’s because I or the Weekly Volcano told you to eat them. This is just information, folks.

OK, most of your hangover symptoms are the result of two by-products of drinking alcohol â€" poison coursing through you body and dehydration.

If you don’t already know, fermented beverages are neurotoxins and are chemical cousins to the crap they use to strip acrylic paint off old doors and furniture. One of the chemical by-products of your body’s natural filtration process includes a nasty substance called acetaldehyde, which is responsible for the nausea, twitchy nerves, general unpleasantness of light and touch, pessimism and temporary malfunctioning of your relationship with the laws of gravity. Your body will get rid of it, but by then, you’re screwed. Recent research has shown that an amino acid called cystine, however, counteracts many of the toxic effects of acetaldehyde. You can find it, after consulting your doctor, at your local health food store. About 200 milligrams will help keep the worst of the hangover from taking hold. Also, beverages that have natural color â€" such as bourbon, scotch and brandy â€" contain another nasty family of toxins called congeners, which make things even worse.

Red wine has a third called tyramine, so don’t drink the whole bottle.

Next, eat food, for god’s sake, and drink lots of non-alcoholic liquids to stave off dehydration. Drink eight ounces of water, at least, each hour. Better yet, drink orange juice or Gatorade.

When you wake up, don’t pull that “hair of the dog that bit you” crap. If you want a Steel Reserve when you wake up after a night of karaoke and Jim Beam, get help. And don’t drink coffee, which is a diuretic, which means it makes you pee, which worsens dehydration. Take 200 mg of cystine, two aspirin, 500 mg of vitamin C, a multivitamin containing a B-vitamin complex, a banana for potassium, and more vitamins, and a big glass of water. Drink a bunch of Gatorade, eat soup, go back to sleep, and dream of next year’s rave.

LINK: The hangover catalysts