MATT DRISCOLL: EVITE YOUR FRIENDS TO JOIN YOU >>>

It’s called mixed martial arts, or MMA â€" but really it’s all about ass kicking. And on Saturday, Feb. 21 it’s coming to the Emerald Queen Casino in Tacoma. Presented by Affliction Entertainment and M-1 Global, the M-1 MMA challenge will feature 15 face-busting bouts, and teams of meatheads from the United States, Russia, Brazil, South Korea and Finland.

I predict it will go down like this
Cauliflower ear will reign supreme. The testosterone inside the Emerald Queen Casino will only be matched by the depressing desperation of those playing Fortune Pai Gow. After multiple contusions, busted lips, broken teeth and blunt force traumas to the head, the crowd will be riled into a gore-hungry frenzy.

At this point, while most in attendance are fixated by a bikini-clad ring girl, some schmuck from Puyallup with a death wish that just lost his savings playing “Let it Ride,” will jump in the octagon and go after Igor Smallknutzensacken â€" a devastating MMA fighter from Russia. To the surprise of everyone on hand, the newly destitute man from Puyallup will fair well against Smallknutzensacken, quickly taking the brute down and throwing him in an arm bar before event organizers know what hit them.

Once order is restored, the destitute man from Puyallup will be offered an MMA contract and will soon start appearing at events like this around the country. Three years from now he won’t remember the night he lost his savings playing “Let it Ride” at the Emerald Queen because his brain will have been reduced to a pile of gelatinous mush from constant pounding â€" not to mention the fact he will have contracted brain damaging syphilis from a ring girl.

[Emerald Queen Casino, Saturday, Feb. 21, 7 p.m., $35-$150 at Ticketmaster, 2024 E. 29th St., Tacoma, 888.831.7655]