NEWS TEAM: WANKERS OF THE DAY

So not going to be on a calendar.

Counterfeit Merchandise

Bob "Not So" Quick

Oops, she did it again...

JAKE DE PAUL: THURSDAY FOOD LINKS >>>

Bar Exam: Steph DeRosa visits Le Voyeur in Olympia

Plan your wine tasting for the week.

EXIT133 has hipped us to a worthy food drive at CORK!

South Hill Puyallup’s farmers market opens May 23

Food Matters in the South Puget Sound

Future Things Are Coming

Studio 6 Ballroom on Sixth Avenue has organized a Sixth Avenue progressive dinner April 22 beginning at 5:30 p.m. Il Fiasco, Primo Grill, Gateway to India and Shakabrah Java are the participating restaurants. Tickets are $35 before April 20, $45 after. For more information, call 253.905.5301.

LINK: South Sound Restaurant Guide

MICHAEL SWAN: TACOMA ARTS COMMISSION IS LOVELY >>>

The Tacoma Arts Commission will award 12 Tacoma arts organization $265,000 as part of its 2009-2010 Anchor Fund. Come on down: Acoustic Sound, Children’s Museum of Tacoma, Grand Cinema, Hilltop Artists in Residence, Museum of Glass, Northwest Sinfonietta, Tacoma Art Museum, Tacoma Musical Playhouse, Tacoma Opera, Tacoma Philharmonic, Tacoma Symphony Orchestra and Tacoma Youth Symphony Association.

The organizations received awards ranging from $12,000 to $28,500.

Sadly missing is the Weekly Volcano’s new magic-based arts organization Sleight Club. Our exclusion isn’t surprising since we don’t like anyone to talk about it outside our circle. Our current production, "You Can't Talk About Sleight Club ... But You Can Sing About Sleight Club!" will be magical ... just for us.

Anyway. ...

For a complete listing of funding programs, publicly accessible funded projects, and information about the Tacoma Arts Commission, visit its Web site

MICHAEL SWAN: SOOOO TIRED OF THE 101 TAG >>>

Just found this press release on Bobble Tiki’s inbox:

 
Scheduled themed events include:
 
Friday, April 17â€"Classic Cocktails 101
(Gin Martini, Vodka Martini, Manhattan)

Friday, May 15â€"Spring Fever
(Cosmopolitan, Lemon Drop, Kamikaze)

Friday, July 17â€"Summer Lovin’
(Classic Mojito, Ginger Basil Mojito, Long Island Iced Tea)

Friday, September 25â€"Fall Essentials
(B-52 Coffee, Hot Toddy, Hot Buttered Rum, Peppermint Patty)

Friday, November 20â€"Home for the Holidays
(Holly Berry, Winter Wonderland, Poinsettia)
 
Matriculation fee: $40 per person, plus tax and gratuity.
 
Don’t wait for the bell to ringâ€"there isn’t one! Classes are held from 5:30 to 7:30 p.m., but guests needn’t arrive promptly at the beginning: students may come and go as they pleaseâ€"without a hall passâ€"and sneak out whenever they want.

Thought you’d want to know since Bobble Tiki typically never shows up at the office on Thursday.

LINK: South Sound happy hours

OWEN TAYLOR: THE DREAM IS ALWAYS THE SAME >>>

After escaping from a man named Robert Dobbs that says he has free Sounders tickets but really just wants to hijack a train, I weave through the dusk and alleys and end up coming out right into the backstage loading area of the Tacoma Dome precisely as my old child star friend Britney Spears disembarks her tour bus.

The synchronicity! Me, fresh from a train wreck and on the lam from the law, missing a pant leg and covered in engine grease. Her, fresh from the train wreck of celebrity, barely in compliance with the law, missing some dignity along with clothing and covered in “Stage-Sheen.”

“Nanner puss!” I yell, “It's me! Giggle drops!”

She, of course, freezes mid stride, her silver bedazzled fringe armbands coming to a slow motion halt. All becomes golden flowing wheat fields and sunrays, complete with dramatic changes of costumes as we gallop through the parking lot toward one another. Former child stars reuniting in the most unlikely of places. Not rehab.

When at last we reach each other, our embrace becomes intergalactic. All of a sudden she is wearing a jet pack, and we rocket off around the Tacoma Dome into the sky, our little space bubbled heads to the cosmos and the imminent worlds of possibility. From somewhere deep in the receding shot a Pepsi logo would fly in, and the moon would wink.

LINK: What Britney Spears is most likely doing right now

FRANCOIS TWITTER: FILMS ZAT OPEN TODAY >>>

Dragonball Evolution: They dropped zee Z. But why? Funnier with Z. Silly warriorz with special powerz protect zee earth from eevil forcez.

Zee Great Buck Howard: John Malkovich is great. No. He does magic. He got famous. Now, not so much. Hez a leetle sad now.

Hannah Montana: The Movee: Ah, Miley Cyrus. Why the bad teeth? You have money? No. Fix them. And this dumb movee.

Observe And Report: Mall Cop? No. Ah! All is fair in fame and fat. Knocked Up guy playz security at mall with flasher. Tries to be hero.

LINK: Movee timez here.

MARK THOMAS DEMING: LOZEN AT THE JIVE TONIGHT >>>

And for my next trick I will write about an all-female band from the Northwest without referencing Heart or Sleater-Kinney.

Tacoma metal duo Lozen is an animal all its own, warranting standalone praise: a little bit Sabbath; a little bit White Stripes; a little bit Pat Benatar (Go back and listen to “Heartbreaker” sometime â€" it kills. For real.); and a whole lotta badass. Taking their name from an Apache woman-warrior and prophet, drummer Justine Valdez and guitarist Hozoji Matheson-Margullis play with a spirit the moniker implies. Their music is dark and dense, violent and visceral, but still somehow exudes femininity: chunky power chords give way to tantalizing flashes of fretwork, screaming to sensuality.

 As with any great up-and-coming local act, don’t go see them because they remind you of someone. Go see them because someone someday just might remind you of them.

[Bob’s Java Jive, with X-Ray Press and District of Evolution, Friday, April 10, 8 p.m., $5, 2102 S. Tacoma Way, Tacoma, 253.475.9843]