SUZY STUMP: ENTRANCE DENIED: THE ART OF THE CHASTITY BELT >>>

In the South Sound, female virgins can be a cunning bunch, often confining themselves to family picnics and church potlucks, infrequently venturing beyond the watchful eyes of a guardian or God. But in captivity, especially when gathered at an art gallery hosting a chastity belt show, I imagine they can be quite simple to identify. The prudent business suit (in conservative black or a summery peach); the comfortable flats; no wedding ring; the air of suppressed longing, all are obvious signs of a virgin.

The chastity belt show I speak of opens at Mineral Saturday, July 18. Entrance Denied: the Art of the Chastity Belt is a group show focusing on, well, chastity belts. The show will run through Sept. 5.

Now, talking to said virgins can be a tricky enterprise, requiring both prudence and discretion. Why not practice your virgin conversations on obvious virgins at the show's July 18 opening.

If you spot a virgin by Fisher and Farrell's chastity belt piece above, throw out this line: "I think the fruitful acts associated with sex are best delayed until after a prolonged and binding courtship."

If you spot a virgin by Bill Dawson's chastity belt piece, drop this line: "I find conversation an acceptable substitute for physical intimacy."

These lines can go a long way toward winning their admiration and trust.

[Mineral, Entrance Denied: the Art of the Chastity Belt, July 18-Sept. 5, opening reception Saturday, July 18, 4-8 p.m., 301 Puyallup Ave., Tacoma, 253.250.7745]

MICHAEL SWAN: TUESDAY, JULY 7, 2009 >>>

1. SAX on 6th Avenue hosts a jazz jam session featuring saxophonist Kareem Kandi beginning at 9 p.m.

2. Chris Blivens’ latest show, CHROMA, features his fetishistic dolls of carved wood from 11 a.m. to 6 p.m. at Two Vaults Gallery.

3. The 133rd Army Band sets up in downtown Gig Harbor's Skansie Brothers Park at 6:30 p.m. for a free outdoor concert.

4. Garfield Book Company 's Sci-Fi Book Club meets at 7 p.m. to discuss Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman.

5. American Idols Live! Tour 2009 hits the Tacoma Dome at 7 p.m.

LINK: Live music and DJs in the South Sound

LINK: Local movie starting times

LINK: South Sound Restaurant Guide

NEWS TEAM: GOOD MORNING SOUTH SOUND >>>

Holy Caillech: Someone stole the Tacoma Highland Games' fund.

By The Wig Of George Washington: Freedom Fair falls $30,000 short.

Oh Thank Gawd: U.S. Department of Justice looking into exclusive deals between telecoms and handset makers.

Brainless: Michael Jackson to be buried without his brain.

Wait, Wait!: Sarah Palin does not quit… no, she retreats painfully slow.

South Carolina Killer Update: He’s dead.

They’re Jobs Out There: A Jobcentre is advertising for the host of a pornographic television channel.

OMG

MICHAEL SWAN: TACOMA ARTS & CULTURE ON CLICK!

The Tacoma Arts Commission has a channel on Click! On Demand. Submit your work for the channel by July 20. Check out the video below:

JAKE DE PAUL: TUESDAY FOOD LINKS >>>

Free Ice Cream: In celebration of National Ice Cream Month, Facebook users can share 280,000 free pints of super-premium Starbucks ice cream.

Gig Harbor Craft Brew: A visit to 7 Seas Brewing.

Deals Tonight: Half-price wine at Pacific Grill and Tightwad Tuesday at Hell’s Kitchen.

Today’s South Sound Special

The Tacoma Art Museum has replaced its Untitled Café with The Workz Café by Jonz Catering, a local company. It opens today.

LINK: South Sound Restaurant Guide

RON SWARNER: IT’S RECORD RELEASE DAY >>>

Son Volt, American Central Dust

Chali 2Na, Fish Outta Water

Stellastarr*, Civilized

Clutch, Strange Cousins from the West

Drive-By Truckers, Live from Austin Texas

The Donnas, Greatest Hits Vol. 16

Maxwell, BLACKsummers’night

WEEKLY VOLCANO: JACKO'S MEMORIAL, CINEMASH >>>

SPIN.com: They’re Tweeting the Michael Jackson Memorial.

Cinemash: There’s a new web series devoted to famous scenes from movies. Watch Zooey Deschanel play Sid Vicious here.

On Sale This Weekend

The Australian Pink Floyd Show Seattle. Sept. 14 8 pm. $35-$45 (McCaw Hall, livenation.com).

Needtobreathe, Serena Ryder & The Alternate Routes Seattle. Oct. 24 (all ages) 9 pm. $12-$15 (Chop Suey, TicketWeb).

Whoa

Trust us, it will feel a lot less like a Tuesday after you’ve watched this:

RON SWARNER: FABULOUS HAPPY HOUR >>>

When the whistle blows at 5, it’s "happy hour" â€" at least for anyone who lives in a state that allows such a debauched tradition. Here in the good South Sound, we have what the restaurant/bar industry has developed as the "happy hour menu."

Monday through Friday, chef Jeff Bishop and his crew over at Merende Restaurant serve delicious happy hour dishes all hovering around $5. Although several of their happy hour dishes are miniature versions of their dinner entrees, many of these "small plates" are big enough to call lunch.

My two favorite happy hour dishes right now are the meatballs and tagliatelle with ragu and bolognese. Both ring in at $5.

The spicy Meatballs are a blend of ground chuck, pork, and veal, some onions, garlic, oregano, thyme, eggs and breadcrumbs. Bishop doesn’t overwork them so they’re not tough. Sometimes he'll add smoked mozzarella for a surprise.

The bolognese is a blend of ground lamb, veal and pork. Tomatoes, mirepoix, veal stock, tomato paste, oregano, nutmeg are added with a bit of heavy cream. Bishop slow cooks the sauce for at least four hours. Add the tagliatelle pasta and it can substitute for a meal.

Best of all, Merende’s happy hour prices run 2 to 6 p.m. Monday-Friday and 9 p.m. to close Friday and Saturday. So if the boss is too bossy, you can blow the office off and start happy hour early â€" which is right now!

[Merende, 813 Pacific Ave., Tacoma, 253.722.1993]

MICHAEL SWAN: WEDNESDAY, JULY 8, 2009 >>>

1. The Den @ urbanXchange  hosts an all-ages benefit concert for Free Radio Tacoma featuring Sugar Beats, Sunn Dagger, Apache Chief, Tarek Wagner at 7 p.m.

2. Saxophonist Darren Motamedy fills SAX on 6th with jazz at 7 p.m.

3. Tacoma Rainiers Baseball are at home against the Portland Beavers beginning at 7 p.m.

4. Award winning blues trombonist Randy Oxford hosts a weekly Wednesday jam at Chopstix dubbed The Randy Oxford Blues Theatre beginning at 8 p.m.

5. Trivia Newton John asks questions, contestants buzz in to answer, and wrong answers are mocked unmercifully. Trivia Night at Le Voyeur every Wednesday at 10 p.m.

LINK: Live music and DJs in the South Sound

LINK: Local movie starting times

LINK: South Sound Restaurant Guide

JAKE DE PAUL: WEDNESDAY FOOD LINKS >>>

Grand Opening: The Roof Top Bar opens at the Riverside Golf Course in Chehalis at 4 p.m.

Food Matrix: Neo has apparently set his sights on a new career.

Check It: This link is "garden fresh," "homemade," and it "melts in your mouth."

Coffee Culture: in defense of decaf.

Today's South Sound Specials

Wino Wednesday $3 pours and $5 Rainier Pitchers Night, The Red Hot, 2914 Sixth Ave., Tacoma, 253.779.0229.

Half-price Wine Night, Merende Restaurant, 813 Pacific Ave., Tacoma, 253.722.1993.

Half-price Wine Night, 4 p.m. to close, Brix 25, 7707 Pioneer Way, Gig Harbor, 253.858.6626.

Sample two beers for $1, 4-9 p.m., 99 Bottles, 35002 Pacific Hwy. S., Federal Way, 253.838.2558.

Half-price Wine Night, 4-9:30 p.m., Primo Grill, 601 S. Pine, Tacoma, 253.383.7000.

Half-price Wine Night with every bottle on regular wine list is half price, 5-9 p.m., Il Fiasco, 2717 Sixth Ave., Tacoma, 253.272.6688.

Half-price Wine Night, 5-10 p.m., Woody’s On The Water, 1715 Dock St., Tacoma, 253.272.1433.

LINK: South Sound Restaurant Guide