WHAT WE HAVE FOUND TODAY >>>

Apocalyptic volcano ash could ground flights in Europe through the weekend forcing Scandinavians to return home and pray to Surtr of the Fire-Giants of Musphel, then sing traditional folk songs and decorate their hearths with flower garlands and pat idyllic smiling blond Danish girls in pigtails and scarves and perfect IKEA teeth on the head.

Campus thong thief caught with 79 pairs of teeny-tiny panties just before he was to enter the Weekly Volcano's Signs of Summer photography contest.

Christian music artist Jennifer Knapp comes out of the closet. Yes, that closet. Expect to hear some minuscule and shrill group set aside its agenda of eliminating kissing and dancing and the color fuchsia in American and start pestering the homophobic nutjobs in Congress to put a halt to this horrifying act.

It's Kareem Abdul Jabbar's birthday!