WE'D LIKE TO THANK THE ACADEMY >>>
Being the megalomaniacal a-hole that I am, sometimes in the shower I craft award acceptance speeches for prizes I haven't actually won. Usually, since even I have no illusions of my fantasy football or "Words with Friends" skills ever achieving greatness, these make-believe awards have to do with our work at the Weekly Volcano. Maybe the City Club of Tacoma will someday realize the brilliance of the Volcano's constant jokes about their age and socio-economic status, and honor our paper as the trailblazer it is? Who knows? Stranger things have happened.
Maybe.
The point is: If it does ever happen, I'll be prepared.
Like this morning.
While I had envisioned this moment being far grander, I feel a need to say thank you today - to the Volcano's friends, families, lovers, detractors, fans, fiends, foes and followers. Really, truly (glance over at my lovely wife, give her a knowing nod of recognition during this moment of triumph) - this wouldn't have been possible without you.
You see, Weekly Volcano World Headquarters was officially vandalized and wheat-pasted by self-ascribed Anarchists last night. We're pretty sure it had to do with this story, though it could have also had something to do with this story. The main point is, we arrived at work this morning to find most of the walls of our building plastered with poorly copy-edited "anarchist" prose and pink spray paint - at least the walls where an "anarchist" could crouch unnoticed and spray paint without the risk of being caught. Ballsy.
We'd like to take a moment to say thank you! Thank you. Thank you so much. On behalf of the Weekly Volcano I'd like to thank the academy, and all the little people we've stepped on during our accent to greatness. Every trudge was an honor.
Today I honestly feel like we've finally made it.
(Cue sappy music played by bemused Tacoma Symphony Orchestra. Presenter Rick Talbert tries to tug me off stage, but I hold firm for one more line. ...)
You love us! You really, really love us!
More visual proof:
