REAL STORIES FROM REAL BARTENDERS >>>

I've been a bartender for a long time. I have met countless freaks, jerks, pervs, sweethearts, rockstars and crazies. Even though it's a physically and mentally exhausting job, these are the colorful people that make it all worthwhile. Well, that and the tips.

I'd like to share with you some of my personal experiences behind the bar, along with the stories from some of my fellow bartenders. Each week - under the clever heading of "Behind Bars" - I will dig into my memory bank - and the incident log books that all bars keep - to bring you some of my favorite stories.

Names of bars, bartenders and patrons have been changed or withheld to protect the innocent.

And the not so innocent.

Cheers!

This week takes us on an aural adventure.

One of the skills a bartender must have is the ability to eavesdrop. We have to be aware of our surroundings - our senses alert. However, while there's no doubt this skill can sometimes be helpful, mostly we just end up hearing a bunch of weird shit.  Often, after the doors are locked and the beers are stocked, we joke about the random quotes we overhear.

Here are a few good recent ones  ...

Quote One: Said by a young man in a beanie to his assumed new co-worker:

"Dude, the thing is, when you smoke pot in the walk-in cooler, you gotta blow it in the onions."

This is especially funny because everyone knows you blow it into the outtake fan!

Quote Two: Or from the office ladies giggling over white Russians:

"Good head should count for something ... he says he owes me a set of chef knives."

Quote Three: Or the girl dishing to her friends about her day, rounding it up with:

"So, besides this ill-fitting tampon, I feel amazing!"

The next time you saddle up to the bar for beers and bullshitting, remember - we can hear you.

LINK HUB - PREVIOUS "BEHIND BARS"

LINK: Smooth Transitions

LINK: The Pooper