REAL STORIES FROM REAL BARTENDERS >>>

I've been a bartender for a long time. I have met countless freaks, jerks, pervs, sweethearts, rockstars and crazies. Even though it's a physically and mentally exhausting job, these are the colorful people that make it all worthwhile. Well, that and the tips.

I'd like to share with you some of my personal experiences behind the bar, along with the stories from some of my fellow bartenders. Each week - under the clever heading of "Behind Bars" - I will dig into my memory bank - and the incident log books that all bars keep - to bring you some of my favorite stories.

Names of bars, bartenders and patrons have been changed or withheld to protect the innocent.

And the not so innocent.

Cheers!

This week...

Guest Bartender David Rosales: Freshy Packed

So, a grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Steve?!"

No, but seriously folks, this week, for the first time in many, I'm at loss for a good story. I realize I must employ the help of fellow bartenders, so I pass the mic to guest Behind Bars blogger David Rosales, who works in an upscale bar/restaurant and has a few juicy stories of his own.

We'll start with this gem:

I was working the bar and it was a Saturday around 2-2:30 p.m. A guy  comes in, sits down, orders a beer, proceeds to drink it and make small talk. I had to go from behind the bar to get something. He  was sitting at the end of the bar, so as I pass him, I hear a small crash. In my mind I thought I knocked over a shot glass or something, so I go back to pick it up, and to my surprise it was a small pipe. I look at the guy and he looks at me and acts like he has no idea where it came from ... nobody else was at the bar top. A few seconds pass and he gives in and says, "Man, that sucks. Iit was freshly packed too."

Hee-hee. That is a good one, David.

Check back next week for more tales from lushes (and their patrons!). In the meantime, you order a double and I'll find another good story.

Cheers!

LINK: The "Behind Bars" collection

This is my first year following Minor League Baseball.

Don't get me wrong. I've been a casual fan of the Rainiers since I was a kid. But the farthest I've gone towards following the Rainiers (27-34), or any minor league team, is attending one or two games at Cheney each year.

Then this year comes along. I switch my stat-following, blog-perusing affinities away from that team from the north and focus on the Tacoma Rainiers. I immerse myself in Minor League Baseball. And I'm pleasantly surprised to report that it's pretty much like Major League Baseball. Sure, there are a few more errors and the fanbase isn't as large. But for me, it's the same game.

The same game except for one thing I still can't get used to: when players get called up to the Mariners.

I know, I know. It's a good thing when players get called up. It's good for the player, who gets a chance to show off his stuff at the highest level. It's good for the organization. It's good for the fans. It's good for... hell, it's good for a lot of things.

But it's hard to get used to. It's hard when 2-time PCL Player of the Week and Weekly Volcano favorite Mike Carp gets snagged away. It's hard when, very soon, Dustin Ackley no longer plays second base for the Rainiers. It's hard because the fan portion of me wants to see the club hold onto their best players.  

I know guys like Mike Curto and other baseball analysts would try to reason with me by saying something like, "What's good for the Mariners' organization is good for the Rainiers." I know this is true. My rational mind knows players need to get called up. The half-assed Rainiers' analyst in me knows I need to distance myself from day-to-day changes in the roster. Minor League players get called up to the Bigs. These are the facts of life.  

But it's still hard to not to get a little disappointed when my favorite players have to pack their bags.  

Speaking of things that are hard to accept, how the hell are we here at the Volcano ever going to make up for the loss of Mike Carp to the Mariners? I guess we could make fun of Matt Tuiasosopo. But his name has so many vowels that we're afraid of frequent misspellings.  For a reputable Minor League Baseball blog like the one we're running, misspellings mean suicide.

Notes ...

-Outfielder Michael Saunders is a player who has gone the other way. Instead of getting called up to the Mariners, he was recently sent down to the Rainiers. As much as getting sent down must suck for Saunders, it rocks for the Rainiers. Since June 3, Saunders is hitting .333 with an OPS of .901.

-The Rainiers had an off day between their loss in Tucson on Tuesday and their 8-4 win over the Sacramento River Cats last night. We here at the Volcano can't help but wonder what the team does on a road off day. Travel? Sightsee? Catch up on sleep and prepare for the next game? Or maybe there's a cool team lunch that we never hear about - you know, one where the guys bond over how many meatballs they can fit in their mouths. A nice, teambuilding team lunch.

-We really hope they have a team lunch.

-We haven't talked about Rainiers pitchers much lately. That's probably because there hasn't been too much to talk about. Last night though, Rainiers starter Chris Seddon pitched more than seven innings and only gave up three hits and two earned runs. While not a 2010 season Luke French-like performance, this is a nice outing for a team that has often lacked nice pitching outings this season.

The Rainiers face the River Cats again tonight at 7:05 p.m. Tonight is "Family Campout Night" at Raley Field in Sacramento. Attendees are encouraged to stay after the game and spend a night on the baseball field camping under the stars.

You know, Mike Carp's tent is so big it's got a kitchen and.... Oh, wait. Carp will not be attending the campout.

Sniff, sniff.

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE >>>

You'd be hard pressed to find a more wide-ranging roster of artists at any other Northwest music-related event than the one lined up for the 17th Annual Olympia Experimental Music Festival. This year, the fest welcomes over 20 artists, including the likes of Eurostache, Squim, Pavonine and Megabats, along with a handful of returning favorites (what OEMF booker Nathan Markiewicz calls "the festival's extended family"). Additionally, Eric Ostrowski (Noggin, WaMü) will be hosting a night of noise musicians accompanied by live projections, with user-submitted YouTube videos to be shown between acts (categories include "Most Weirdest," "Most Loudest" and "Most Tasteless").

This is Markiewicz's second year curating the Olympia Experimental Music Festival. L.A. Lungs, his band with wife Lori Peterson, first played the festival years ago and has since become a dependable participant. As a fan of intimate performance environs and outrageous musical diversity, Markiewicz is ideally suited to usher the festival into the new decade. It helps that he's experiencing a renewed appreciation for the region's sundry sounds.

"Between what goes on in Seattle and what goes on pretty much between Vancouver and Portland ... the Northwest is great for the arts in general," Markiewicz  muses.

To read the full column by Jason Baxter click here.

[Northern, 17th Annual Olympia Experimental Music Festival, with Megabats, L.A. Lungs, Dead Air Fresheners, Squim and more, 7 p.m. June 10 - 12, All Ages, 321 Fourth Ave., Olympia, northernolympia.org]

ONLINE CHATTER >>>

Today's comment comes from GRR in response to the Weekly Volcano's restaurant listing for C.I. Shenanigans.

GRR writes,

I keep wanting to have a great experience at this place, but the only time we do is if we eat in the bar! It seems the waitstaff has a bit of a disconect going, (Promise anything - deliver whatever the kitchen usually makes, without anyone relaying the customers request, that's my suspision...) It's unfair that I've had the same waiter twice recently - he's a cutie, but not a great waiter! On the otherhand we think one of their bartenders is one of the best in town! And if you order something special, you'll get it! I basically like the place, just wish the consistency of the bar could extend to the dining room and deck. Go for halfprice wine night, when their wine prices are a bit more reasonable!

YES! >>>

Everybody loves a comeback. We all cheered when Rocky returned to the ring (except that last time) and the world of funk was creaming its leather chinos when James Brown got out of jail. Well now one of Tacoma's greatest culinary legends has returned to triumphant fanfare and watering mouths. Long live Stanley & Seafort's Classic Sampler!

That's right. The famous three-tired appetizer that disappeared when Stanley's unveiled its new menu last year is back. Bag loads of letters would arrive daily demanding for its return. Protests swarmed the front turnaround driveway. Angus Young said he would never play the T-Dome again unless it graced the menu. Stanley shouted he'd never speak to Seafort ever again unless the three levels of goodness returned.

The management caved. It's back on the menu. Also making its return is the popular pan seared shellfish fettuccine. Let's gaze at their awesomeness:

Classic Sampler
Oven Roasted Dungeness Crab & Artichoke Dip, Grilled Teriyaki Tenderloin, and Chili-Smoked Prawns.

Pan Seared Shellfish Fettuccine
Jumbo Prawns, fresh Nova Scotia Scallops, baby spinach, fresh tomatoes, smoked salmon cream sauce, herb gremolata.

In addition to adding back some Stanley's classics, the Tacoma fine-dining restaurant added new items to its menu, such as this baby:

Braised Boneless Chuck Short Ribs
24 hour marinated, roasted wild mushrooms, silky Yukon potatoes, herb gremolata, natural jus.

Stanley & Seafort's

115 E. 34th St., Tacoma
253.473.7300

SATURDAY, JUNE 11, 2011 >>>

1. The Hilltop Artists Spring Glass Sale runs from 9 a.m. to 1 p.m. at Jason Lee Middle School. It's a good opportunity to browse or add to your glass art collection. Or, if you're looking for something else, find the Volcano's comprehensive South Sound arts and entertainment calendar here.

2. Down by the water, catch the opening of "Wheels, Whistles and Wonder: the Extraordinary Maritime Collection of Bill Somers" at the Foss Waterway Seaport.

3. The Malcolm Clark Band celebrates 10 years at the Fuse Cafe in Ruston. Or, if that's not your musical cup of tea, peruse the Volcano's extensive live local music listings here.

4.Catch Billy Farmer for a open mic and acoustic jam at the Gig Harbor Farmers Market at Uptown.

5. Vote for Tacoma's best baristas, politicians, bloggers, bartenders and local businesses in the only 253 "Best Of" issue that matters. The Volcano's annual Best of Tacoma issue publishes July 28, and this year's readers' poll launched last week. Let your vote be heard now! Find all the details here.

KIDS LIKE FARM ANIMALS AND DANCING >>>

I don't feel at all guilty about the pun above. They're fun to write, puns, not to mention de rigueur in entertainment review titles. They're scattered throughout Riot to Follow's production of Honk! The Ugly Duckling Musical like chicken feed in a barnyard. Kids enjoy puns. They also like hummable songs about insecure farm animals. Kids like waddling and dancing, especially dancing with a cane. If you're a kid, you don't need this review; you're already stoked about Honk!

But you're not a kid, are you? Kids don't buy theater tickets. Kids don't read the Weekly Volcano, not even Cup Check. (The Weekly Volcano has no funny pages.) You're an adult. Very likely, you're a cast member in the show, someone closely related to a cast member in the show or a parent. Maybe your kids dug If You Give a Mouse a Cookie in the same space, and you're wondering whether it'd be worth the money to take them to a show with a homely underage waterfowl for a protagonist. Well, it is. As a matter of fact, Honk! holds its own with the best of Olympia Family Theater, and that's saying something.

To read the full review click here.

[The Washington Center Black Box, Honk! $6.50-$12.50, 7 p.m. Thursday-Friday, 2 p.m. Saturday-Sunday. through June 12, 512 Washington St. SE, Olympia, olytix.org]

YOUR SOURCE FOR SOUTH SOUND THEATER >>>

Is it wrong that I secretly wished Lakewood Playhouse's production of Sweeney Todd would be a little bit more like a GWAR concert? My instincts say yes, but my heart says no.

Not that I wanted a horde of spastic metalheads kicking me in the head, but if there is one tale of musical theater well-suited for a good, strong arterial spray, it's that of the Demon Barber.

Fortunately, it turns out there are a good many ways to make a play violent and disturbing without literally drenching your audience in red food coloring.

First, get yourself a creepily intense lead. Glenn Guhr, in the title role at Lakewood Playhouse, has this locked down. When you walk in the front door (I know you will, because I'm going to tell you to before this article is through, and I'm pretty convincing) take a look at his headshot. It's impossible not to, because his steely stare is already burning a hole in the side of your head.

To read Joe Izenman's full review of Sweeney Todd click here.

[Lakewood Playhouse, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, through June 26, $25-$19, 8 p.m. Friday-Saturday, 2 p.m. Saturday-Sunday, 5729 Lakewood Towne Center Blvd., Lakewood, 253.588.0042] 

YOUR SOURCE FOR SOUTH SOUND THEATER COVERAGE >>>

The device of a "play within a play" is hardly new, of course. Theater has always been meta. A Midsummer Night's Dream incorporates Pyramus and Thisbe, and Hamlet directs a loaded performance of The Mousetrap. Cyrano berates a ham actor, Montfleury. Actors love finding excuses to overact, and portraying a bad actor is terrific justification. As I watched Play On! at Olympia Little Theatre, I was reminded of a show I helped stage, Amateurs by Tom Griffin (1991), in which a community theater group frets over the reaction from a feared critic to its latest production. Most of all, I was reminded of Michael Frayn's beloved Noises Off-and if you've ever seen that show on stage or video, I promise you will be, too.

To read Christian Carvajal's full review click here.

[Olympia Little Theatre, Play On! $10-$12, 7:55 p.m. Thursday-Saturday, 1:55 p.m. Sunday, through June 26, 1725 Miller Ave. NE, Olympia, 360.786.9484]

LIVE MUSIC TONIGHT IN THE SOUTH SOUND >>>

4th Ave Ale House Olympia - Downtown. The Rikk Beatty Band, Travis Larson Band, Larry Mitchell. 9 pm.

Cicada Restaurant Olympia. The Joe Baque Trio. 8 pm.

Doyle's Public House Tacoma - Stadium District. SweetKiss Momma. 9 pm. NC.

Fuse Cafe Ruston. Malcolm Clark Band 10 Year Anniversary. 8 pm. NC.

• The Malcolm Clark Band has been together 10 freakin' years! Doing anything for 10 years straight is tough ... we know firsthand, seeing as this is the 10th year of the Weekly Volcano. Saturday, Clark, Mike Couloues and crew celebrate 10 years - blues style, of course - at the F?SE Cafe in Ruston. Expect the blues-based groove Clark has come to be known for, and quite possibly a Hawaiian shirt. — Weekly Volcano

Hell's Kitchen Tacoma - Downtown. Wide Eye Panic, Esitu, Rishloo, From The Sea. 9 pm. $5.

• Can I be honest with you? Good. My brother loves Rishloo. He is a fan of metal in a way I cannot quite wrap my brain around. Whenever he tries to talk to me about metal, he always brings up Rishloo - a band he is convinced I will like because of the way it incorporates progressive rock and psychedelia influences. At one point, he dragged me down to see a show, and you know what? It was fucking fun. The lead singer has a perfect falsetto metal wail, which works expertly with the faux-introspective flow of the music. I don't want to convince you Rishloo is more than it is, but the band is a hell of a lot of fun. And they really deliver on their ridiculous promise. - Rev. Adam McKinney

Jazzbones Tacoma - Sixth Avenue. Bass Odyssey, with Brian Bromberg, Norm Stockton, Bryan Beller, Jeff Morgan, E. Pruit. 7 pm. $15.

• You like bass, sure, but are you ready to go on a motherfucking bass ODYSEEY? An odyssey is nothing to be taken lightly, my friend. ... But of course you're ready. Of course you're ready for an evening of bass mastery on display, the likes of which have rarely been seen (probably not since Bass Odyssey 2010). Billed as "an entire night devoted to the talent, technique and style of bassists Brian Bromberg, Norm Stockton, Bryan Beller, Jeff Morgan and E. Pruit," Bass Odyssey 2011 at Jazzbones Saturday may be flying under the radar for some this weekend - but will surely be talked about come Monday morning. - Matt Driscoll

Le Voyeur Café and Lounge Olympia - Downtown. Hearts & Minutes. 9 pm.

Mandolin Cafe Tacoma - Central. Heather Dale, S.J. Tucker. All Ages. 8 pm. $10.

The New Frontier Lounge Tacoma - Dome District. Benefit For Urban Arts Fest, with Wheelies, Not From Brooklyn, Laser Jesus. 8 pm. $6.

Northern Olympia - Downtown. 17th Annual Experimental Music Festival. All Ages. 8 pm.

Spar Tavern Tacoma - Old Town.  Kim Archer. 8-11. NC.

Stonegate Pizza Tacoma - South. Rob Rockfish & KZOK Friends. 9 pm. $5.

Traditions Cafe and World Folk Art Olympia - Downtown. Larry Murante, Terry Holder. All Ages. 8 pm. $8-$12.

Uncle Sam's American Bar & Grill Spanaway. Uncle Sam's Rockin' Bash #1, with Charlie Drown, Unhailoed, Kashmir. 3 pm. $15-$20.

LINK: More live music tonight in the South Sound