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The world's 17th-ranked golfer, one Tiger Woods, said this week from the AT&T National golf tournament at Aronimink Golf Club in Newton Square, Pa., that he won't play again until he's fully healed from a left knee and Achilles injury. This makes any chance that Woods will compete in the upcoming British Open, roughly two weeks away, all but obsolete. Woods's next victory in a Major will be his 15th, but since that whole infidelity-slash-Perkins-waitress scandal, his play has turned to s***. This latest injury proclamation, centering on his historically janky left knee, only adds to growing speculation that Woods will never return to his old, dominant self.

Reporters questioned Woods on the decision for some time, and in his characteristically boring demeanor (the kind of boring that can only be achieved from hours upon hours of whacked-out Ambien sex) the golfer insisted that, while he's rushed back from injury in the past, he's determined to take a different approach this time and fully heal.

Sadly, no one asked Woods about whether chicks dig the beard and mustache he's grown.

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