REAL STORIES FROM REAL BARTENDERS >>>

I've been a bartender for a long time. I have met countless freaks, jerks, pervs, sweethearts, rockstars and crazies. Even though it's a physically and mentally exhausting job, these are the colorful people that make it all worthwhile. Well, that and the tips.

I'd like to share with you some of my personal experiences behind the bar, along with the stories from some of my fellow bartenders. Each week - under the clever heading of "Behind Bars" - I will dig into my memory bank - and the incident log books that all bars keep - to bring you some of my favorite stories.

Names of bars, bartenders and patrons have been changed or withheld to protect the innocent.

And the not so innocent.

Cheers!

This week...

Caught in the Act, Part 4

"Blow Job"

So, here we are, Part 4 of "Caught in the Act."

In my years of bartending I've caught more than my share of people with their pants down. Pissing their pants, flashing their boners, whatever. This one though, was a blow job in the ladies bathroom.

It was a busy evening. People were racking pool balls, tipping back tall boys and loading the jukebox with un-godly amounts of Judas Priest.

I was ready for a pee break so I made my way to the ladies room. Upon entering, I could hear some serious mouth breathing backed up by guttural groans. The effect sounded like a weird, harmonious underwater mating ritual. It didn't take me long to realize it was sexual. A quick glance under the stall doors where a pair of bare knees, Vans slip-ons and Levis in a heap confirmed my suspicion.

They didn't give a shit that someone had entered their fortress of drunken fellatio. She kept on slobbin' that knob, and he kept on moaning. Part of me could almost have been turned on, but the many nights of mopping up vomit on the very floor this broad's bare knees were, caused a wave of disgust to wash over me.

"Shit. I don't get paid enough for this," I thought, as I banged my way into the empty stall. As I drained my bladder, I hit the palm of my hand on the graffiti-covered wall next to me.

"Take that shit somewhere else!" I hollered.

As I made my way back to the front of the bar, I caught sight of the couple leaving the bathroom. She was digging for a smoke, hair hanging in her face; he was getting high fives and pats on the backs.

I took my place behind the bar and began pouring shots, shrugging off the recent events as just another day behind bars.

Check back next week for more adventures! Cheers!

LINK: Caught in the Act, Part 1 

LINK: Caught in the Act, Part 2

LINK: Caught in the Act, Part 3

LINK: Past Behind Bars columns

OH FANCY >>>

Pierce County Executive Pat McCarthy wants a little of that Jack Connelly campaign gala hoopla action, and by hoopla action we mean the LeMay - America's Car Museum. The shiny classic cars, the giant arching wooden beams and big-ass windows overlooking downtown Tacoma - the LeMay Museum feels grand. And a grand feeling could lead to endorsements and money for McCarthy's re-election campaign, which kicks off Thursday, April 26 at said museum.

"The site of this event is perfect. The LeMay Car Museum is the latest example of the great things that are happening in Pierce County," states McCarthy in a press release. McCarthy was an early supporter of the museum with dreams of thousands of visitors, all wanting to eat, drink, shop and spend the night during visits.

What big name band will be performing during the campaign party?

"In the interest of raising money to spend on the campaign, we're not planning a live band, though there will be music, said Kathryn McCarthy, Pat's campaign manager.

Several hundred civic leaders representing public safety, business, labor, natural resource conservation, and cities and towns throughout the region are scheduled to attend.

In regards to Pat's second-term priorities, Kathryn listed a few:

Economic development

Growing the aerospace industry in Pierce County (we have 80+ Boeing suppliers here, and we'd like to see them grow)

Hosting a successful U.S. Open - the first in the Northwest - and getting into the USGA's regular rotation of courses (once a decade or so). This event will result in $150 million+ in spending in Pierce County.

Transportation

Securing state and federal funds to keep making transportation improvements on I-5 and other major road systems, and improving mass transit options from Sound Transit and Pierce Transit.

Public Safety

Build a South Sound 911 emergency communications system that makes every resident and business safer.

Open Space

Keep partnering with groups like Forterra and others to preserve forests, shorelines, open space and farmland.

McCarthy won a four-way race for County Executive in 2008 after serving six years as Pierce County Auditor and 12 years on the Tacoma School Board. She and her husband, Superior Court Judge John McCarthy, have four adult children and five grandchildren.

To RSVP for the event, go to www.reelectpatmccarthy.com or call 253.414.1798.

LIVE MUSIC TONIGHT IN THE SOUTH SOUND >>>

C.I. Shenanigans Tacoma - Northend. James Coates. 7 pm.

The Conquering Lion Tacoma - South. High Ceiling, Dub Lounge International. 8 pm. $25.

Hell's Kitchen Tacoma - Downtown. Jay Barz, Motamouth Jones, Chris Crazie, John Crown, From Heros to Legends. All Ages. 5 pm. $5. Psycho Rehab, Sanction VIII, Demon Dogs, Pukesnake. 9:30 pm. $5.

Le Voyeur Café and Lounge Olympia - Downtown. Lawless Birthday Bash, with AKA featuring Nathalie, Hollywood Kill Krew, Pawz One, Double B. 9 pm. NC.

Louie G's Pizzeria Fife. VIII Days Clean. All Ages. 8 pm.

Mandolin Cafe Tacoma - Central. The Dukes Of Jazz. All Ages. 6 pm.

The New Frontier Lounge Tacoma - Dome District. Squirt, Resident Kings, DJ Kahuna. 9 pm.

• A very long time ago I was on the radio. I used to rig contests so folks in Tacoma would win - I felt I owed them something. Tacoma was the first place to embrace my early '90s rock outfit Squirt. We didn't make it big or anything, but Tacomans were the first to understand, and that was huge for nobodies. Squirt had many ties to Tacoma. Our guitar player Eric "The Swede" Olson was from Tacoma. Lem Durant, the guy that booked Prosito (before it was The Central and the first Hell's Kitchen) was the first person to ever approach us for a gig. Squirt's first release on a compact disc (mind you getting a CD made in '93 cost a deep left nut) was courtesy of 253 label Wrecking Ball. And the first "cool" band to embrace/befriend us was Girl Trouble. It was different. Tacomans were ... nice. We were an odd lot. Read guest writer Dick Rossetti's full story on his band Squirt in the Music section at weeklyvolcano.com. – Dick Rossetti

The Olympia Ballroom Olympia. Polyrhythmics, Snarky Puppy. All Ages. 9 pm.

• Just in time to celebrate 4/20, Andyinoly Productions brings in another stellar show. This time at the Olympia Ballroom, and all-ages, Polyrythmics will be keeping heads happy with their funky, world-beat music. According to dictionary.com, polyrhythm is the simultaneous occurrence of sharply contrasting rhythms within a composition. According to me, (and thousands of fans,) Polyrythmics is the simultaneous occurrence of badassness. This eight-piece ensemble jams long and hard, with interesting twists and tweaks to keep the mind engaged and the body moving. From the band's webpage, "Polyrhythmics have quickly gained notoriety playing to packed clubs and festival crowds all over the Northwest. Their self-titled and now sold-out EP released in 2010 has been charting on radio playlists up and down the West Coast." Snarky Puppy will also play this funky 4/20 party. Featuring members of Snoop Dogg's and Erykah Badu's band, this band hits the same fusion, international vibe as Polyrythmics. So light one up, cruise to the Olympia Ballroom and let this incredible line-up do the rest. – Nikki Talotta
  

Stonegate Pizza Tacoma - South. Jerry Miller Jam. 9 pm. NC.

Tempest Lounge Tacoma - Hilltop. Nick Deonigi. 7:30 pm. NC.

Traditions Cafe and World Folk Art Olympia - Downtown. Emma's Revolution. All Ages. 8 pm. $12-$17.

Uncle Sam's American Bar & Grill Spanaway. Stony Balony, Vigilante Justice, Inebriator, Ranchero. 9 pm.

Louie G's Pizzeria Fife. VIII Days Clean. All Ages. 8 pm.

LINK: More live music in the South Sound

WHAT WE HAVE FOUND TODAY >>>

1. It all goes back to history. Everything. Everything goes back to history. There is nothing but history. These words are becoming history as you read them. Even you, some day, will be history. Perhaps you will be a blip; perhaps you will be a chapter. Perhaps your name will become a buzzword, like Reaganomics or Machiavellian. Perhaps. Perhaps you will ramble with no purpose. Perhaps you will wax poetic to the point of nausea. Perhaps you will shove extra food from the buffet into your purse when no one is looking. Perhaps. Perhaps you'll enjoy history Saturday when the best comedians from years and years of the Seattle International Comedy Competitions gather on the Pantages Theater for a night of laughs at 7:30 p.m. Former Comedy Competition champions Darryl Lenox (1999) and Damonde Tschritter (2006) will anchor the night. Armchair philosopher Lenox is one of the best comics to ever come out of Vancouver. OK, he's American, but he lived 14 years in the city, reached a calm on stage and honed his act with his hilarious American take on Canada and Canadians. Although storyteller comedian, actor and writer Tschritter has been known to say he's more like the guy who hangs around your kitchen table telling stories than a stand-up comedian, he was the first Canadian to win the Seattle competition. Perhaps you should attend.

2. Dude, pain is just weakness leaving the body. It's no reason to not do anything. Shoo, weakness, shoo. Go away. It's time to skip that early morning nap and start creating some pain for yourself. That's right - five kilometers of pain. It's the Ruston Way 5K, beginning at 10 a.m. It's said to be one of the flattest, fastest 5K runs in the universe. Elite runners are signed up. But forget about the fact that it celebrates the re-opening of the new and proved Ruston Way; you can reminisce about the demolished tunnel later. Concentrate on your five kilometers of pain. Ignore the pre-run ribbon cutting with dignitaries at 9:15 a.m. Ignore the stunning views of the Puget Sound, Mt. Rainier, the Cascades and the Olympic Mountains. Pain, pain, pain. Best of all, you'll be done in time for your noon nap.

3. Traver Gallery in Tacoma is the only United States venue to host Engaging with Glass: A Survey of Contemporary Glass Art, the first comprehensive survey of Irish glass art in over a decade. The exhibition brings together a broad spectrum of work in glass, ranging from beautifully executed decorative objects to conceptual installation pieces incorporating video elements. The exhibit opens today with a reception from 5-7 p.m.

4. You totally have the opportunity to get lei'd tonight (sorry, we couldn't help ourselves). The annual University of Puget Sound's Hui O Hawai`i student club's Spring Lu'au with its exotic Polynesian food and colorful entertainment hits the campus. The festivities begin with a 5 p.m. dinner offering kalua pig, huli huli chicken, lomi lomi salmon, macaroni salad, poi, chicken long rice, haupia, pineapple and a vegan dish pineapple stir fry in the Wheelock Student Center. At 7 p.m., the crowd will head to the memorial Field House for the band Na Leo O Hawai`I and around a dozen dances from cultures including Hawaiian, Tahitian, Samoan, and Maori, as well as ritual face-painting, grass skirts, the malo (loincloth) and colorful island dresses. Aloha.

5. Beginning at 6 p.m. Hell's Kitchen will host a benefit show for Hang Huong - who was hit by a car - featuring a burlesque show, raffle prizes and the musical stylings of Unhailoed, Psychonaut Deathtrip, LB, Reptile Eruption, Devils of Louden and Phasers On Kill.

PLUS: More events listed in our Weekend Hustle

LINK: More arts and entertainment events in the South Sound

LINK: Live music and DJs in the South Sound

LINK: South Sound happy hours

Purdy Good Pickles

Watch out, pickle aficionados. There's another local pickle option to put on your radar. Purdy Pickle Company has hit the scene with a selection of pickled items made with local and organic ingredients.

Owners Sis LaVigne and Gail Reed started Purdy Pickle in March of 2011. Both avid organic gardeners, they have been canning and pickling for a combined total of more than 50 years. After finding themselves unsatisfied with the lack of organic preserved foods, they created their business using recipes handed down from Gail's mother that have been in her family for generations.

"People have a nostalgic connection with our products," Sis and Gail told me. "They are different from other pickles because we buy our organic produce from local Washington farmers."

That's not the only thing that makes Purdy Pickles different. Besides their sweet, spicy and dill pickles, they also sell their popular pickled beets, onions, carrots and relish. The pickled beets are their biggest seller and have a complex spiced, tart and sweet flavor.

You can find Purdy Pickle Company products at Tacoma Food Co-op, Harbor Greens, The Pacific Northwest Shop and the Proctor, Puyallup and Gig Harbor Farmers Markets, as well as on their website, purdypickle.com. They will also be at the Tacoma Farmers Markets as soon as they open. 

WE SCENE IT >>>

Thankfully Bill "Kahuna" Henderson, guitarist for Tacoma's Girl Trouble, had a crate full of rockin' tunes to spin last night at The New Frontier Lounge. The Squirt reunion show with openers Resident Kings didn't begin anywhere close to the posted 9 p.m. start time.

That said, once the Resident Kings finally launched into its set, time was all but forgotten.

Resident Kings from Olympia intertwined guitar lines, glittering and razor-edged, produces an engrossing blend of melodic heavy rock. Coupled with lead singer Jimmi Davies's punk-powered energy, and the quintet leaves the indie-rock kids struck dumb and the punk kids wondering why all their CDs at home sound like crap. Davies, along with Entwistle-ish Tim Brown, lead guitarist Michael Esparza, rhythm guitarist Brian Sparhawk and drummer Ryan Mungia recall the rock glory days of Fugazi, Sunny Day Real Estate and U.F.O. - while sounding like none of 'em. What, all-out rock and roll that's neither unironic nor needlessly downcast? We'd almost forgotten such a thing exists.

After Public Information Officer for the Pierce County Sheriff's Department Ed Troyer introduced Squirt - Dick Rossetti, Eric "The Swede" Olson, Electric Vee Vee Roark with drummer Geoff Reading - the reunited Tacoma band from the ‘90s rocked those who once signed, performed with and sang along with the band, as well as a few celebrities and the curious who came to see if Rossetti would do or say something crazy.

The experience wasn't so different than hanging out in a basement while your old friends jam - only it was in a very large basement that sells alcohol. For all the cognitive dissonance of seeing middle-aged men tear through songs they wrote when they were 19, Tacoma rock band reunions are a helluva lot of fun.

SUNDAY, APRIL 22, 2012 >>>

1. Traditionally, a wayzgoose was a party thrown by a master printer. Now that we are in the age of Kindles and Nooks, the term just means a party thrown by or for printers and literary sorts. Tacoma's Wayzgoose is headed up by King's Books owner sweet pea Flaherty and letterpress printer Jessica Spring. Local printing artists show off their wares and set up hands-on activities for all to try from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. at King's Books. Be prepared to take home a sample of something you (or your kids) made right onsite! Read Kristen Kendle's full feature on Wayzgoose in the Arts section on at weeklyvolcano.com.

2. The Tacoma Glassblowing Studio knows how to step up when there are people in need. Members of the Studio are headed to Romania this summer to run a camp for orphaned kids. ... We'll let that sink in for a second. ... Today, from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. TGS will host a glass sale AND bake sale to raise money for the camp. So forget your diet for one day. Heck, skip dinner and order a bag full of baked goods. Fundraising never tasted so sweet.

3. There is still time left to celebrate your inner poet as part of National Poetry Month. Tacoma Poet Laureate Josie Emmons Turner will be at the Museum of Glass from 1-2 p.m. to celebrate your poetry and to actually decorate it.

4. Years of doodling and daydreaming in class. Years of passing elaborately decorated notes. Even those years of junior-high band concerts and high-school musicals. This has been your child's (or your neighbor's kid or those little twerps down the street) artistic education. And now it's paying off. Well, maybe just for one 14-year-old Gig Harbor resident. Young wildlife artist Tova Beck has been painting pictures of birds since age 4 after the feathered ones at the Tacoma Nature Center blew her away. Over the years, she's drawn hundreds and won numerous honors and awards for her art. With the help of mom Mimmi, Tova published a book of her works title The Girl Who Loved to Paint Birds - which is available at Amazon.com - and will sign the awesome thing from 1-3 as part of the Earth Day Extravaganza at the Tacoma Nature Center.

5. Illumni Men's Chorale, Seattle's innovative new choral group, presents "Music of Russia," a program of all Russian music rarely heard in the United States featuring folk music, soldier songs and music of the Orthodox tradition at 8 p.m. inside Lagerquist Hall on the PLU Campus. Internationally-known bosso-profundo Glenn Miller will be in the house.

LINK: More arts and entertainment events in the South Sound

LINK: Live music and DJs in the South Sound

LINK: South Sound happy hours

LOOKING BACK >>>

The 2012 Squeak and Squawk Music Festival was a blast! The Weekly Volcano got its groove on to the eclectic beats of Oberhofer, Pond, A Leaf, Santee, The Shivas, The Riffbrokers and many other indie pop and rock bands at this year's festival produced by Jena Stedtler and our own music scribe Rev. Adam McKinney. Tacoma filmmaker Kris Crews shot a buttload of video during the festival for the Weekly Volcano. Crews' first 2012 Squeak and Squawk video capturing the glory that is The Back Pockets is posted below. Over the next month or so, Crews will post additional video footage of individual band performances on this blog. In the meantime, here's a little ditty he produced that no doubt will be used to promote next year's Squeak and Squawk.

MONDAY, APRIL 23, 2012 >>>

1. Every Monday at 8:30 p.m. inside Magoo's Annex DJ Melodica hosts the Monday Showcase - a night of guests DJs and live bands. Tonight, guest DJ Darren Selector will spin his garage tunes in between sets by Umber Sleeping.

2. We often hear the cliché about "taking things to the next level." But what does that mean exactly? Would we recognize the next level if we saw it? Maybe so. Beginning today, the City of Tacoma would like you to take your homestead to the next level, and by that we mean off the Sanford & Son Junkyard Spitting Image Tour before someone at City Safety has "The big one." The City won't send over colorful fellas from the Bravo network, but it has developed a yard load of awesome free workshops and events to help you improve your home and yard during its Tacoma Neighborhood Makeover Week April 23-28. 

3. The Tacoma School District needs to know your thoughts on budget, services and programs. It asks you to attend a 6 p.m. meeting at First Creek Middle School and participate in an interactive polling session where you will use an individual handheld electronic device - like a TV remote control - to vote on and prioritize more than 60 district programs and services.

4. Tacoma Food Co-op invites the public to its screening of Food Matters at 7 p.m. in Rausch Auditorium on the campus of the University of Puget Sound. The focus of the documentary is in helping society rethink the belief systems fed to people by America's modern medical and health care establishments. The interviewees point out that not every problem requires costly, major medical attention and reveal many alternative ways that can be more effective, more economical, less harmful and less invasive than conventional medical treatments.

5. In Jon Wells' new book Shipwrecked: A People's History of the Seattle Mariners he asserts that the reasons the Mariners haven't reached the World Series are poor management and short-sighted ownership, despite the fact that they have three first-ballot Hall of Fame players. Hear his thoughts live at 7 p.m. inside the Olympic Room at the Tacoma Public Library Main Branch.

LINK: More arts and entertainment events in the South Sound

LINK: Live music and DJs in the South Sound

LINK: South Sound happy hours

WHAT WE HAVE FOUND TODAY >>>

How Many Tacoma Fire Department Personnel Does It Take To Rescue Two Dumbass Beachcombers?: Two engines, three ladder companies, tech-rescue rig and five staff members, as well as two medic brigs. (New Tribune)

What Happens If You Pull A Gun On a Fircrest Police Officer?: You'll get shot. (News Tribune)

Fircrest Vs. University Place: It's all fun and games until you want to improve the roads until you try to charge traffic impact fees for developments. (News Tribune)

Find The Stolen Guns Game: Although the game involves crimes. (News Tribune)

George Zimmerman: He's been released on bond. (CNN)

Obama Power Play: With Republicans blocking his agenda, the president has been using executive powers to enact measures on the environment, education, drug shortages and recess appointments. (The New York Times)

Cats Vs. Dogs: Finally, an answer on which is better. (Buzz Feed)

Old Spice: It's trying to make "smellf" happen. (Time)

Handy Guide: 12 things being sold on eBay because they kind of look like Jesus. (The Awl)

Finally, The Answer: Why do we say "Ye Olde" something-or-other when we want to sound Old English? (Neatorama)

It's Official! The gays prefer Adele to Lady Gaga according to a very scientific Gaydar poll. (The Sun)

China Knuckles: It's for the girl who wants to be chic and eco-friendly while still being conscious of self defense. (Who Killed Bambi)