WEAK AND WEARY >>>

Great news, guys! It turns out that 2012 is the year of historical fan fiction! Later on in the year, we'll get to experience the origin story of Scientology in The Master, as well as the re-imagination of Abraham Lincoln as a vampire hunter (in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, natch), but first, let's see what it would have been like if Edgar Allen Poe had been a detective hot on the heels of a serial killer who culls inspiration for his dastardly deeds from the works of Poe. Awesome, I guess! I think it would have looked a little something like this. ...

In The Raven, the famously homely, potato-browed alcoholic is rather forgivingly portrayed by American Sweetheart John Cusack (Lloyd Dobler, lovably loquacious kickboxer). Poe's attention is called to a string of grisly (GRISLY!) murders, which draw inspiration from Poe's macabre stories. Detective Fields solemnly declares, "I believe the killer is taunting us." Don't you just hate it when that happens?

All of your favorite Poe stories are represented, here: "The Murders in the Rue Morgue," "The Pit and the Pendulum," "The Cask of Amontillado" (probably), "The Case of I Know You Stole My Bottle of Absinthe, Poe, So Why Don't You Just Fess Up and Quit Ruining This Dinner Party" - all the classics.

I suppose the take-away from the bewildering existence of The Raven is that someone out there is looking out for what I can only presume is a very dedicated - though almost certainly troubled - collective of fans of From Hell ("A psychic Johnny Depp battling with Jack the Ripper? From Hell, where have you been all our lives?!" cries a desperate nation).

My idea for the next great historical fan fiction? Jack Ruby. Not only Lee Harvey Oswald's murderer, but a suave international jewel thief. It's called Jack's Rubies. Patent pending.