Dialing 1-900-MIX-ALOT, this is Nerd Alert, the Weekly Volcano's recurring events calendar devoted to all things nerdy. I myself am a Star Wars fan, mathlete, and spelling bee champion of long standing, so trust me: I grok whereof I speak.
SATURDAY, FEB. 1
"Oh, my God, Becky. Look at her butt. It is so big." Don't even act like you don't know what comes next, playa. You know that like me, you've high-tailed it for the dance floor to extol the virtues of an itty-bitty waist and a round thing in your face. You, too, have begged for a piece of that bubble. So fellas (yeah?), can I get a "hell, yeah" for Seattle's own Anthony Ray, better known as Sir Mix-a-Lot? One-hit wonder he may be, but I'm reminded of a story I heard about Chuck Berry. A critic once scoffed that Berry essentially wrote the same song over and over. "Yes," his colleague replied, "but we all know that song." Anyway, the Mack Daddy's throwin' a gig in town this weekend, and even white boys got to shout. ...
SIR MIX-A-LOT, 8 p.m. Saturday, Jazzbones, 2803 Sixth Ave., Tacoma, $15, 253.396.9169
SUNDAY, FEB. 2
My friends and fellow geeks, I never thought it would come to this, but the unthinkable has happened. We must now deal with an alternate reality, aka the craziest timeline. In other words, it's time we wrapped our heads around sportsball. Civic pride in our beloved Pacific Northwest demands no less. (It's like when we all gave in and ate quinoa.) In those rare moments when you departed World of Warcraft for the Mart of Pizza Pockets, you may have noticed people walking around in eye-catching raiments of navy and green. Such folk are allied with House Seahawk. The raptors of Seattle have emerged from the NFC playoffs victorious, and now must defeat the orange-clad steeds of Mount Doom (OK, the High Plains of Denver, Colo.) in a loud form of ground-based Quidditch World Cup. Perhaps you've seen something about this on Reddit?
Anyway, the last (and only) time the Seahawks made it to the big game was eight years ago, when they lost to the Steelers, 21-10. If you've somehow managed to miss Seahawk fever all season, please understand there's a reason Seattle's fans are so heavily invested. The team boasts the NFL's best defense, as reflected in a heart-stopping interception by cornerback Richard Sherman ([no, not the same Richard Sherman who wrote "It's a Small World (After All)" - we've been over this and over this) that crushed the hopes of San Francisco two weeks ago. The problem here is the Seahawk offense, which, while certainly capable, is nowhere near the best in the business. Ergo, their opponents tended to load points on early in each game, losing ground only in the second half when Seattle's punishing defense wore them down. Meanwhile, the Denver Broncos wield the highest-scoring offense in NFL history, an air-and-ground assault commanded by veteran (37-year-old) quarterback Peyton Manning.
Look for much wailing and gnashing of teeth as the Broncos strike hard and strike fast. Think of this as the grim Hoth battle of our epic saga. The outcome will still be very much in doubt at halftime. Sports mages prophesy this game could be decided by as little as a single point, and those of us who screamed through the NFC championship's final moments can all too easily believe it. That game was tighter than the E Street Band.
If the Seahawks win, expect Seattle to explode into confetti, Gorp, and shards of IPA bottles. This is, after all, the city that lost its collective mind over an international trade meeting. It's the Naboo of America. If, however, as the bookies would have it, the Broncos eke out a victory, expect thousands of fair-weather fans like myself to crawl back into our holes and leave you in peace again till autumn.
But seriously, though ... wouldn't it be amazing if we won? At football? A SPORT?! The mind reels.
SUPER BOWL XLVIII, 3:30 p.m. Sunday, FOX TV and a jock bar near you
Until next week, may the Force be with you, may the odds be ever in your favor, and DON'T YOU EVER TALK ABOUT ME! I'm the best nerdist in the game! When you try me with a writer like McKinney, that's the result YOU GONNA GET! L.O.B.!