Spaceworks is always out and about, prettying up Tacoma, filling empty storefronts, adding more artwork to spaces that need some love. Specifically, Artscapes, a nifty slice of the Spaceworks pie, has added 84 large-scale works of art to downtown T-town, from installation pieces to murals. And the awesome just keeps on going.

Spaceworks is kicking up its heels again with more downtown murals, this time at South 11th and Market streets. Yes, yes! More murals, precioussss.

This round brings two commissioned works headed up by artists Chelsea O'Sullivan and Diana Leigh Surma, who will both work to give new life to a long-vacant brick building perched at this intersection. The building has been going steady with graffiti for just a little too long now and murals often help ward off vandalism, along with turning a former eyesore into an eyescore. It's like bedazzling. For buildings.

O'Sullivan's mural will span across 10 of the large panels along South 11th Street. The mural will be titled "Turn on Spring." As you might guess, the mural will seek to infuse the Northwest gray with some color - one of O'Sullivan's specialties, as most of her work tends to pop with vivid color.

"This time of year it rains so much and all the color that comes into the city is just budding," says O'Sullivan. "Something that stands out and is bright is something that is needed, at least for myself. I usually work in vivid color, but when you're sick of the rain you need whimsy, interaction, and things that are uplifting."

In fact, as she worked on the mural, rain played more of a role than inspiration. Given that much of the process is taking place during the rainy spring, O'Sullivan has had to contend with working in the few rare-yet-awesome sunbreaks we get. She's worked with a team to help ensure she could get things done during the dry moments, including working with fellow local artist Gabriel Brown to get the base color down on the only dry day within three weeks.

"Then I assembled an army of friends (Melissa Houston, Erin Lewis, Kaitlyn Fernandez, Shannon Fernandez, Kevin Ketchum, Laurie O'Sullivan) to do my dirty work," she explains. "I took the time to outline where the pipes were, where the flowers were, the characters, and then they used rollers and paint brushes and laid down solid colors for those. As that paint dried I followed everyone with aerosol and started developing shading and definition. TECHNICOLOR BOOM!"

All through the process, O'Sullivan and her minions have battled rain. The incline of the street and winds gusting through downtown have also proven pleasant additions to the process. During sunny moments, she hits the streets to paint. The mural is evolving as she goes-she wants an impact and is still working to make sure the mural has that impact.

Meanwhile, Surma is heading up a second mural on the Market Street titled "Show Your Stripes," which will be a design of intricate geometric shapes designed to capture the revitalization of downtown as well as where the city came from.

More information about these murals and other Spaceworks projects, click here.  

GRAB A CUP AND READ THE MORNING REPORT FOR 4.5. 14 >>>

The Army released the names of the three soldiers killed by Army Spc. Ivan Lopez during a shooting spree Wednesday at Fort Hood, Texas, before Lopez, 34, turned the gun on himself.

The latest shooting at Fort Hood highlights the need to improve security on military posts across the country.

Despite evidence that suggests Spc. Ivan Lopez had an argument before going on a shooting rampage, investigators said they may never determine what compelled the Fort Hood soldier to kill three soldiers and wound 16 others before taking his own life.

Secretary of the Army John M. McHugh: Tracking "inside threats" is challenging.

How Obama lost Afghanistan.

Northeast Asia has become a potential powder keg. What should China do to prepare itself for possible conflict?

North Korea on Friday accused the United States of being "hell-bent on regime change" and warned that any maneuvers with that intention will be viewed as a "red line" that will result in countermeasures.

North Korea managed to fly (and crash) a couple rudimentary drones over Seoul. Do its drones pose a threat?

Lawmakers question utility of Pentagon's Quadrennial Defense Review.

Lawmakers are pushing back against a Navy review to potentially ban the sale of tobacco on Navy and Marine Corps facilities.

The Army along with its sister services passed along its "Unfunded Priorities List" for fiscal 2015 this week.

The Associated Press reports that a Chinese ship involved in the search for the missing Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 has detected a "pulse" today in the southern part of the Indian Ocean.

The A-10 Warthog looks especially awesome and futuristic in this photo.

Don't forget Mike Judge's new HBO comedy Silicon Valley premieres Sunday.

Free Comic Book Day hype. We're about a month away from the most important holiday of the year (May 3), which happens to fall the day before Star Wars Day.

Toadies' have a new brew from the folks at the Martin House Brewing Company, Rubberneck Red beer.

Finally: Bacon-flavored Ritz crackers.

What are you going to do today?

SATURDAY, APRIL 5 2014 >>>

1. Ahhh, the Daffodil Parade! As surely as pint-sized marching bands will file down the street in lockstep while serenading onlookers with "Tequila," the sky will fill with dark clouds before an inevitable downpour drenches everyone within a two-mile radius of downtown Tacoma - which is as good of an excuse as any to go hear some great blues music and dry off. And the Gray Sky Blues Music Festival, which seems to be named just for this happenstance, begins right after the parade wraps up, around noon. The event takes place across three venues: The Swiss, The Harmon Restaurant and Brewery and Stonegate Pizza and Bar. The festival's headliner is Cee Cee James, who - I'm told by the reliable source that is this event's press release - is "one of the most popular female blues artists on the scene today." She'll hit the stage at 6 p.m. in The Swiss. Stonegate will be the scene of the festival's after-party, which begins at 8:30 p.m. With any luck you'll not only be starting the day with "Tequila," but ending it that way, too.

2. They're chirping and hooting out the news that it's time to celebrate their unique characteristics and appreciate the ways in which they contribute to the planet. Lovely. That's the focus of Migratory Madness, a two-day special event at Northwest Trek Wildlife Park April 5 and 6 featuring a nest full of events about birds, beginning at 11:30 a.m.

3. Let it be known the JBLM Bettie Brigade roller derby team will take on the I5 Rollergirls at 5 p.m. Saturday, April 5 at the Bettie Bunker, 5700 Lacey Blvd. The co-ed junior team, JBLM Bratz, will face the I5 Rollergirls B-Team, too. More details at bettiebrigade.com.

4. So, the guys in circulation were trying to describe it to us the other day - telling us all about the Nuclear Cowboyz FMX tribe who returns to the Tacoma Dome at 7:30 p.m. for an action-packed show complete with a Hunger Games-ish storyline told through more than 1,000 gravity-defying freestyle stunts. Or something. From what we're told, it's part Broadway show, part rock show, part freestyle motocross - now with more dance troupes and an army of Shaolin Kung Fu Warriors. Again, this is the circulation department talking. On top of all this, we're told, the show combines fearless freestyle gravity defying stunts, outrageous pyrotechnic and freakin' laser displays synchronized to heavy metal, rock alternative and electronic dubstep music, and features the world's best freestyle motocross athletes - such as X Games medalists Colten Moore, Taka Higashino and Jeremy "Twitch" Stenberg - front and center. Got it?

5. Even though it's their name, starting with what Universe People (the group) are may be the worst entry point for exploring what Universe People (the band) is. Also known as Cosmic People of Light Powers (catchy), Universe People are a Czech UFO religion that believe they can communicate telepathically with aliens. Like any successful, harmless religion, it is helmed by a magnetic leader (Ivo A. Benda) with unique abilities, secret knowledge of the fate of the world, and apparently a DVD player, given how many times it seems he's watched The Matrix. Meanwhile, the band that's also called Universe People shares almost none of those traits. Read Rev. Adam McKinney's full feature on Universe People in the Music & Culture section, then catch the band with Service Animal, Low Hums and Battersea at 8 p.m. inside Bob's Java Jive.

LINK: Saturday, April 5 arts and entertainment events in the greater Tacoma and Olympia area

SATURDAY, APRIL 5: SET UP FOR MONDAY'S CHAMPIONSHIP GAME >>>

For more than two weeks, wechallenged 64 of the South Sound's best burger joints to go patty-to-patty in a showdown of culinary combat. Some fell easily by the wayside, either due to a rogue Condiments Guy or simply because they faced a superior opponent. Bun by bun, we ate our way down to yesterday's Final Four: Eastside Big Tom, Maxwell's Restaurant, Westside Tavern and Tatanka Takeout. It was do-or-die, win-or-fly, bring-your-best-or-over-fry.

Game 1: Eastside Big Tom (2023 Fourth Ave. E., Olympia) vs. Maxwell's Restaurant (454 St. Helens Ave., Tacoma)

Our Steno Pool called it the game of the tournament, which is hard to argue with a one and two seed battling it out. When the last burger was flipped, and a lead it never gave up the entire day, Maxwell's Restaurant grabbed 56.57 percent of the vote and moves on to Monday's championship game.

Game 2: Westside Tavern (1815 Harrison Ave. NW, Olympia) vs. Tatanka Takeout (4915 N. Pearl St., Ruston)

Tatanka Takeout came into the Tournament of Burgers as a No. 3 seed and didn't disappoint - at least in the opening 400 minutes. Tatanka led all morning with an average lead of 40 votes, without any help from the Internets. Its tasty bison burger standing tall on North Pearl Street. At 3 p.m., with the help of its late-rising crowd, Westside Tavern poured it on. The Olympia hangout began racking up votes in an eye-popping display of patty perfection, with strong play from their Tavern Burger. When the final buzzer rang, Westside Tavern managed to beat Tatanka by 365 votes, and score a date with Maxwell's Restaurant in the championship game Monday.

The daily burger battles on Walkie Talkie are sponsored by Ricky J's Restaurant and Lounge in Puyallup.

Here we go. Maxwell's Restaurant will face Westside Tavern Monday, April 7 when the polls open around 8:14 a.m. Online voting runs until 5 p.m. At 6 p.m. the voting opens back up live at the Tournament of Burgers Final Party at Meconi's Pub, 709 Pacific Ave. in downtown Tacoma. Ballots will be handed out, which will also serve as raffle tickets. The live vote will close at halftime of the NCAA Men's Tournament final and the South Sound Burger champion will be announced.

So, pack the car and eat at Maxwell's today and Westside Tavern tomorrow. Compare notes with your neighbors. Then come Monday, vote here on Walkie Talkie before joining us at Meconi's Pub later that night.

Thanks again everyone for voting!

LINK: What's up with this burger tournament?

LINK: Hot Damn! Yes, I want the South Sound Happy Hour App!

SUNDAY, APRIL 6 2014 >>>

1. So, the guys in circulation were trying to describe it to us the other day - telling us all about the Nuclear Cowboyz FMX tribe who returns to the Tacoma Dome at 2 p.m. for an action-packed show complete with a Hunger Games-ish storyline told through more than 1,000 gravity-defying freestyle stunts. Or something. From what we're told, it's part Broadway show, part rock show, part freestyle motocross - now with more dance troupes and an army of Shaolin Kung Fu Warriors. Again, this is the circulation department talking. On top of all this, we're told, the show combines fearless freestyle gravity defying stunts, outrageous pyrotechnic and freakin' laser displays synchronized to heavy metal, rock alternative and electronic dubstep music, and features the world's best freestyle motocross athletes - such as X Games medalists Colten Moore, Taka Higashino and Jeremy "Twitch" Stenberg - front and center. Got it?

2. The Weekly Volcano staff crosses Flett Creek during daily trips for Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccinos. We don't give Flett Creek much thought, because all we can think about are Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccinos. John Flett and his family couldn't enjoy the sweet awesomeness of Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccinos during their difficult journey from the Red River area (near modern Winnipeg) across the Canadian Rockies to Puget Sound in 1841. Puget Sound sucked, so they headed to Oregon. Eventually, the Fletts made their way back to the Puget Sound in 1859. They homesteaded near Fort Nisqually and the community of Flett, which included a streetcar station. Flett was later absorbed into the town of Lakewood, and eventually several Starbucks popped up. If you're interested in Flett history before Starbucks, Beth Julian, great granddaughter of pioneer John Flett, will share the Flett story through tales, photos and memorabilia at 2 p.m. in Historical Fort Steilacoom, on the grounds of Western State Hospital.

3. Man of La Mancha finds Miguel de Cervantes in a dungeon with other prisoners, defending his life by narrating the story of Don Quixote, the naïve but faithful Sancho Panza, and the scrappy Aldonza. The treatment of Aldonza/Dulcinea in the musical, as opposed to the novel, is deeply disturbing. Cervantes's brawny farm girl becomes a prostitute who's brutally gang-raped in a barn. Quixote trounces the rapists ... then ministers to their wounds. But what of Aldonza's? What's the point of this added scene? Why not have Quixote - hell, Aldonza - prevent the attack? Tacoma Musical Playhouse deploys undeniable talent, especially in the lead roles. Read Christian Carvajal's full review of Man of La Mancha in the Music & Culture section, then catch the final performance of the run at 2 p.m.

4. After legendary guitarist Rich Dangel passed away in 2002, the two remaining members of Butterbean, Michael Kinder and Buck England, invited Dean Reichert to fill the big shoes Dangel left. The trio still performs rockin' blues, including at 7 p.m. in The Spar.

5. In the pantheon of such legends as Santa Claus and the Bogeyman, the Tooth Fairy ranks down in the minor leagues, we'd say, with Jack Frost and the Easter Bunny. Such a low ranking makes the Tooth Fairy an easy target for jokes. Ten comedians will dress up in legendary characters and roast the Tooth Fairy at 8 p.m. in the Tacoma Comedy Club.

LINK: Sunday, April 6 arts and entertainment events in the greater Tacoma and olympia area

GRAB A CUP AND READ THE MORNING REPORT FOR 4.7.14 >>>

Snowden was awarded for sparking a transformative debate about surveillance programs.

Two F-16s were scrambled after the aircraft strayed into restricted airspace over D.C.

On average, military bases are safer than similarly sized American cities. The violence at Fort Hood may best be explained as a workplace shooting, not a uniquely military tragedy.

The military could speed up deployment of a land-based missile defense shield in Europe to hem in a resurgent Russia.

The vice commander of the Air Force's 12th Flying Training Wing at Joint Base San Antonio-Randolph has been relieved after investigators learned he exchanged emails with the wife of a subordinate officer.

Widespread opposition has yet to form around any single Pentagon proposal to cut a specific weapon system, indicating most could be implemented despite lawmakers' protestations on behalf of parochial interests.

The Navy 2020: Bigger, better, possibly broke.

U.S. Army, Marines struggle with infantry vehicle replacements.

U.S. Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel delivered a two-pronged warning to Asia Pacific nations Sunday, announcing that the U.S. will send two additional ballistic missile destroyers to Japan to counter the North Korean threat, and saying China must better respect its neighbors.

Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel will tour a Chinese aircraft carrier today as the first foreign visitor aboard the ship,

Second Lt. Sage Santangelo wasn't able to retake the Infantry Officer Course, but other female volunteers might get that chance, thanks to a case she made to the commandant of the Marine Corps this year.

U.S. Marines recently landed K-MAX and MH-6 Little Bird helicopters autonomously using an i-Pad like mini-tablet.

Sixty years and changing: The U.S. Air Force Academy.

True science of parallel universes.

The best dark matter signal that scientists have ever recorded.

The largest known galaxy cluster in the distant universe.

Hollywood legend Mickey Rooney died. He was 93.

Why?: Japan's Takara Tomy Arts has created a collection of stick-on fake fingernails featuring embedded LEDs and tiny antennas that light up whenever the wireless NFC functionality of a nearby smartphone is being used.

Read an exclusive excerpt from Rob Lowe's new memoir.

Microsoft has six original TV series in production.

Get an extended look at the new Godzilla movie.

Finally: which Winona Ryder character are you

Then there's this...

MONDAY, APRIL 7 2014 >>>

1. Writing good poetry isn't something that comes naturally to everyone. It's hard to find that "inner voice" without sounding cliché. Maybe there's help: Poetry Matters is a two-session poetry workshop encouraging poets and poetry lovers to share feelings and words in a noncritical atmosphere, led by poet Joanne Clarkson. The inaugural session is at 7 p.m. in the Lakewood Library offering exercises in sound, form, voice, image, memoir and story inspiration from favorite poets using different styles and subjects. Writing prompts and suggestions to keep the muse singing, if you will. April 21 will be the day you share.

2. Perhaps no single substance, save for water, has had the vital impact on humanity that wood has. From the very trees that provide this resource, to myriad man-made uses, we interact with wood on some level every day of our lives. Now, a range of artists interprets the significance of one of nature's most abundant organic materials in The Meaning of Wood, which opens at noon in The Gallery at the Kenneth J. Minnaert Center for the Arts. 

3. The titanic burger throwdown finale in on! Voting for the 2014 Weekly Volcano Tournament of Burgers Readers' Poll Championship game is live. Online voting will end at 5 p.m. Voting will resume at 6 p.m. live at the Tournament of Burgers Party at Meconi's Tacoma Pub in downtown Tacoma. Ballots will be handed out, which will also serve as raffle tickets. The live vote will close at halftime of the NCAA Men's Tournament final and the South Sound Burger champion will be announced. Join us!

4. Our ears perked up and our stomachs flipped a little when we heard the phrase "ultra cool spy themes." It sounds dangerous and sexy. Blues, that most American of musical forms, will receive a dose of spy music, as well as surf tones, at The Swiss' Monday Blues Night at 8 p.m. Seattle guitarist and singer Chris Stevens will fill the downtown Tacoma watering hole with electric blues lines via a big Gibson archtop. Taking their unusual name from a song title by legendary blues guitarist Freddy King, Stevens' back band, the Surf Monkeys, keep a firm footing in the blues while stretching the boundaries with "ultra cool spy themes," reverb drenched surf twang and Chris' own "blues on the edge of jazz" originals.

5. Jazzbones has amped up its weekly live band karaoke. Every Monday at 9 p.m. for the next four weeks it's hosting a singing contest with the grand prize being two nights and flight to Las Vegas. Jazzbones will choose three finalists from each night to compete in the finals. The competition will be judged by the applause-o-meter.

LINK: Monday, April 7 arts and entertainment events in the greater Tacoma and Olympia area

<<< MONDAY, APRIL 7: GAME CLOSED >>>

Update: Tournament of Burgers champion crowned.

The titanic burger throwdown finale is on! Voting for the 2014 Weekly Volcano Tournament of Burgers Readers' Poll Championship game is live.

After three weeks of voting, you have picked the most popular burger joints in the South Sound. What began as 64 burger-slinging joints has been narrowed down to two: Maxwell's Restaurant and the Westside Tavern.

Who do you think has the best burger?

The daily burger battles on Walkie Talkie are sponsored by Ricky J's Restaurant and Lounge in Puyallup.

Welcome to the big dance. Online voting will end at 5 p.m. Vote for one burger joint per game. Voting will resume at 6 p.m. live at the Tournament of Burgers Party at Meconi's Tacoma Pub in downtown Tacoma. Ballots will be handed out, which will also serve as raffle tickets. The live vote will close at halftime of the NCAA Men's Tournament final and the South Sound Burger champion will be announced.

Bacon exemplifies everything I love about food. Bacon ties me to my foodie forebears who cured and smoked pork belly to preserve it in the absence of refrigeration. Highly prized artisanal bacons keep alive rural American traditions and ensure smokehouse knowledge will be shared with future generations of proud farmers. Bacon provides my 11-year-old with essential nutrients such as saturated fat, salt and nitrates. Wait ... those things aren't good. Uh ... if we don't stand together, resolute, in support of bacon, cultivating a culture of pork, the entire fabric of our society will come apart at the seams!

This past month I had my fare share of bacon cheeseburgers paired with beer. It's one of the great pairings of life: Fred and Ginger; baseball and hotdogs; sunrises and strolls along Ruston Way; Bella and Edward; beer and bacon.

Think about it. Beer and chips is something that people think of as going together well. And if you think about it, bacon is really a meat chip.

The Bacon and Beer Classic will consume Safeco Field in Seattle May 17. The traveling greasy, hoppy fiesta visits baseball fields around the country, drawing thousands of attendees to sample craft beer and bacon-based dishes from regional restaurants. Adding to that already winning combination will be performances from local bands and cooking demonstrations.

Chef Hudson Slater of Maxwell's Restaurant has teamed up with the mad scientists at Wingman Brewers to create a Tacoma bacon beer for the Seattle festival.

"We had Chef Hudson Slater smoke wheat malt mixed with bacon at Maxwell's," says Colin Harvin with Wingman Brewers. "We then used that malt in a beer called a Gratzer, which is an old German style. So what you'll get is a smoky, bacon-y wheat beer that has a super light body and an insane amount of flavor."

The prep work at Maxwell's takes about three hours.

"I just layer bacon on bottom and top of wheat malt in a pan and then smoke it on a low heat with applewood so the fat soaks into the malt," says Slater. "Then I let it cool and hand it off to the good people at Wingman and they make the beer with the malt and bacon."

Slater and the Wingman crew tried it Friday night.

"Pretty crazy bacon-y good," adds Slater.

The official beer will make its debut at the Bacon and Beer Classic. Slater says he'll serve candied bacon next to Wingman's booth, where the bacon beer will be served with a strip of bacon across the glass. Wingman Brewers is dialing the recipe, in so some variations of it will be available in its taproom up until the event once it's perfected.

BEER NEWS

The Swiss Pub turns 21 this year. A celebration is planned Monday, April 28. Apparently, 7 Seas Brewing in Gig Harbor will have a special beer made for the occasion.

"I was talking to (owner) Mike Runion from 7 Seas about doing something special; he said let's make a special batch," says Jack McQuade, owner of The Swiss.

McQuade and former Swiss partner Bob Hill donned the white lab coats and joined the 7 Seas crew in the brewing room. The result will be a special Imperial Red Ale, which will be released at the anniversary celebration.

High Times named The Red Hot one of the top 11 hot dogs on the planet: "Out in Washington State, we'd recommend smoking a fat (and totally legal) blunt and then heading to this delectable dive in Tacoma. Stars of the menu include the 6th Ave Strut, a prototypical hot dog of the Pacific Northwest, topped with cream cheese, tomatoes and chopped onions, and the Hosmer Hound Dog, topped with peanut butter (seriously) and two crispy strips of bacon (conceived while stoned silly, we're guessing). If you have time to sit and eat, order the not-available-for-takeout Tideflats, featuring two beef hot dogs on an open-faced bun topped with the works: yellow mustard, ketchup, fresh chopped onions, sport peppers, locally made Red Hot Moma relish, jalapenos, chili, apple cider-braised sauerkraut, nacho cheese, coleslaw and a special house-made spice blend. You'll definitely need a fork. (You might also need a bib.)"

Today is National Beer Day. Didn't know there was such a day. How are you celebrating?

BEER HERE

>>> Tuesday, April 8

The Harmon Tap Room serves four, 5-ounce beers paired with four small bites for $10 5 p.m. to close every Tuesday.

>>> Wednesday, April 9

Pint Defiance celebrates Centralia's Dick's Brewing Company with a brewer's night 5-7 p.m. Dick's hit the beer scene in 1992, creating ubiquitous ales such as Double Danger and Dick's Cream Stout, among others. The Dick's crew will be in house with their IPA, Brown Ale, Pale Ale, Imperial Stout and Raspberry Triple Belgian Ale.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall, this is Nerd Alert, the Weekly Volcano's recurring events calendar devoted to all things nerdy. I myself am a Star Wars fan, mathlete, and spelling bee champion of long standing, so trust me: I grok whereof I speak.

FRIDAY, APRIL 11

The biggest movie release this week is called Oculus. It's a horror film about a haunted mirror. I will write that again: it's a horror film about a haunted mirror. I mention this cinematic spectacle only because as of time of writing, with nine critics reporting in, it boasts a RottenTomatoes.com score of 100 percent. Make of that what you will.

SATURDAY, APRIL 12

My wife and I are performing alongside friends from Masterworks Choral Ensemble and Olympia Family Theater in Sing for a Cure, a "song cycle" to benefit cancer research. Proceeds go to the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation, so we sure hope you'll join us for a program of empathy and hope.

SING FOR THE CURE, 7:30 p.m., Washington Center for the Performing Arts, 512 Washington St. SE, Olympia, $9-$19, 360.753.8585

This is a big night for ladybumps, as it's also when Stripped Screw Burlesque unveils its "Disney After Dark" revue in the Capitol Theater. Seattle princesses Seraphina Fiero and Maxie Milieu are joined by sultry local superstars Hattie Hotpants and Nani Poonani of TUSH.

DISNEY AFTER DARK, 9 p.m., Capitol Theater, 206 Fifth Ave. SE, Olympia, $15-$20, 360.754.6670

If you're spry, you might even make both shows. Let it go, indeed!

SUNDAY, APRIL 13

Sunday's MTV Movie Awards will present a special "Silver Bucket of Excellence" to 1998, the last year anyone cared about the MTV Movie Awards. Consequently, someone will wonder out loud whether Neve Campbell, the big winner that year, is still alive. Perhaps it'll be this year's host, Conan O'Brien, who asks the indelicate questions.

(The first time I wrote that paragraph, I used Ken Ober as its unwilling punchline. Guess what, though? It turns out Ken Ober is actually deceased - I had no idea - so don't I feel like quite the old geezer? Remote Control, people! Give it up for "Wheel of Torture!" ...Dear gravy, I'm old.)

Here's the thing about being happily married: you only have time for so much TV, even with a DVR. Therefore, if you aren't both fans of a show, it drops off your list of season recordings. I was able to hang on to Archer and Community, thank Dionysus, but Mad Men fell right off my queue. Is it still the 1960s on that show? Is Peggy still far and away the best thing on it? I have no idea, so find out for yourself when season 7, Mad Men's final go-round, begins Sunday.

TUESDAY, APRIL 15

The TV adaptation of Fargo debuts on FX, don't ya know. It stars Martin Freeman, Adam Goldberg, Colin Hanks, both Key and Peele (I'm serious), Joey King, Bob Odenkirk, Oliver Platt, Billy Bob Thornton, Kate Walsh, two wacky robots, the entire first-season cast of The West Wing, and a partridge in a pear tree. It's made by the guy responsible for Bones, so it'll last forever even though no one you know will ever watch it.

Until next week, may the Force be with you, may the odds be ever in your favor, and may you never find yourself trapped in the basement of 72 Whooping Cough Lane. I want my MTV!