Can I be honest with you, for just a moment? Usually, this column is full of blowhard nonsense that just comes from a deep insecurity in my abilities as an artist, thus necessitating my shitting on films that I will never see. This week, I interviewed Ira Glass. Ira fucking Glass. I've been holding my breath to puff my chest out, and now I'm deep into a bottle of whiskey. It feels great.

And now, reality reaches out and gives me a wet willy, because I've been FORCED to watch the trailer for The Amazing Spider-Man 2. I never saw the first (read: fourth) Spider-Man movie, because I magically found better things to do with my time than watch a reboot of a five-year-old franchise. What I gathered from the brunette, be-hoodied Peter Parker was that Spider-Man was finally being given the completely necessary Dark Knight treatment. Everything is gloomy and sad in comic book world, just like your miserable life! Cartoons!

Here, we find ourselves at the threshold of what Marvel has promised to be a series of sequels and offshoots that will distract us from financial ruin for at least another 15 years. Instead of bread and circuses, we get multiple yearly superhero extravaganzas that increasingly lean less toward escapism and more in the direction of human despair. In response, Lars Von Trier was heard to have sighed and swiftly taken an eraser to his chalkboard.

Jamie Foxx is featured in this film as a human Otter Pop, fully completing his arc from In Living Color to Oscar winner to middling comic book villain. Part of me suspects that his music video with Ron Howard is at fault. Paul Giamatti also dons a CGI rhino suit, in a move that would have made his Sideways character commit suicide with a wine bottle.

Raul Julia let his swan song be the Street Fighter movie, because his kids talked him into it. For future reference: your kids are assholes. Every movie could be your last, so err on the side of not letting that movie feature you in a goofy rhino costume.