I haven't tried very hard to keep a secret of how much I dislike most holidays. I've written multiple times about my disdain for New Year's Eve and my lack of enthusiasm for Christmas and Valentine's Day. People tend to think that I'm somehow missing out on the boundless joy that people derive from these celebrations. Do I really go all year without a special day coming along to connect me to my fellow man?

No. That day has arrived, and it is the release of the newly Nicolas Cage-ified Left Behind. I don't know who's been reading my diary, or what star I wished upon, but Hollywood suddenly had the earth-shattering idea to pair film's most insane actor with an Evangelical property that gets all of its tension and suspense from piles of clothes.

Earlier this year, my friend Nicky and I took some time out to get obsessed with films made by and for Christians. The first one we decided to watch just had to be the Kirk Cameron vehicle that was the original, hilariously inept Left Behind. That original run of direct-to-video atrocities capped off at as trilogy, though the books upon which they were based total something in the range of 16 (!). My only hope is that this new Left Behind decided to throw every one of those pages at Nicolas Cage, just to see how badly they can make him lose his shit.

This new Left Behind is directed by former stuntman Vic Armstrong, which is just too good to be true. While making the transition from stunts to directing worked out for Hal Needham, I have little hope for this Vic Armstrong guy. But, you never know. All I want in the world is for this to spawn a reality series about the friendship between Cage and a crazy religious stuntman. I know you've already given me Left Behind, God, but can we get one more miracle?