BOBBLE TIKI: RAGE AGAINST THE VALENTINE >>>

Satan has taken over earth. And he’s arrived in the shape of a candy heart. Or a paper heart. Or a heart-shaped balloon clutched by a smiling miniature teddy bear.

Valentine’s Day is possibly the worst idea ever â€" for humanity, that is. If you’re in retail or marketing or flowers, it’s a godsend. (Huh. That’s funny: a god-sent Satan.) Bobble Tiki has said it before and he'll say it again: It’s all a finely orchestrated plot to part you with your money, and your self-respect.

Bobble Tiki didn’t always feel this way. When he was a younger tiki, Valentine’s meant building homemade cards out of red construction paper and doilies. It was time Bobble Tiki looked forward to spending with his siblings and his mom. The muse danced happily around that dinner table; helping each of us tikis design a card that could be efficiently re-created 30 times, one for each class member.

It’s been a few years since those days; luckily Bobble Tiki has spent most of them in a committed relationship. And we don’t celebrate Valentine’s.

Why not? Well, why would we? To show each other our love? We do that every day â€" with text messages, Facebook wall moments and long talks about minute details of each others’ lives. To show each other extra-special love? Anyone involved in a relationship should know that if you only do that once a year, you’re not going to be in that relationship for long.

But of course, V-Day isn't all bad. Because everyone knows that right under the cheap veneer of Valentine's Day mega-marketing and hollow churchly romance is yet another delicious excuse to have more sex and indulge in fleshly pleasures and lick chocolate syrup off your lover's tailbone. Hopefully.

These days, it seems like nobody wants to be single. And truly, after a while the one-night stands, blind dates and online encounters get a little old. For singles looking to change their status, consider the Flirt Party tonight in The Hub's Events Space and Gallery.

The ogling kicks off at 9 p.m. with gag gifts, door prizes, spin the bottle and more surrounded by house music by the Ocean Grooves team: DJ dAb, Mr. Clean, DJ Cypers. There isn't a cover. Premium wells and microbrews are only $3.

As always, Bobble Tiki doesn’t care what you tonight because he doesn’t even know you.  And unless you enjoy these Valentine confections â€" Vicks Crème Delight, Disgruntled Hershey’s Employee Hepatitis Crème, Lepermint, Sour Cream and Bunion, Caramelanoma, Crunchy Left Nut Cluster, and Ashtray Patties â€" then Bobble Tiki is certain he doesn’t want to meet you.  Besides, it’s time to blow this joint and prepare for the love process as Bobble Tiki so wants to believe in a day of love, and so wants to rage against the love machine, and so wants to eat an entire box of love chocolates, and so wants to gag himself with a heart-shaped plastic straw and subsequently spew said chocolates onto something meaningful or expensive.

[The Hub's Event Space and Gallery, Friday, Feb. 13, 9 p.m. to 2 a.m., no cover, 203 Tacoma Ave. S., Tacoma, 253.683.4606]

BOBBLE TIKI: BREAKFAST WITH BOBBLE TIKI >>>

Be prepared to dump another $12 a morning for a venti caramel macchiato, an orange Odwalla, and a blueberry Bliss Bar because a wave of gray, humorless hell is coming our way.

Economic stimulus legislation is on track for final votes Friday in the House and Senate. Tax credits for lower income households were reduced but $70 billion was put towards sheltering high-income tax payers. Must be good to be rich.

Apparently American policies are creating resentment in the Middle East. Who knew?

India's Hindu nationalist movement will launch a new soft drink made from cow urine. Oh yum! We'll buy a six pack. Has to be better than this Bull.

Finally, Lost almost aired in the 1960s, but was retooled as Gilligan’s Island. Skippeeeeer!

BOBBLE TIKI: WHAT A DAY >>>

Bobble Tiki has a pretty decent idea that it’s not going to be the absolute best day of his life when he wakes up, lights his last cigarette, wakes back up â€" on fire, douses himself â€" and throws on the closest pair of pants.  And then reaches the office, turns on the computer, and hears â€" instead of the Monty Python sound bites constantly telling Bobble Tiki he’s doing something horribly wrong â€" a country song about Daddy “Cuttin’ The Big One” in a church.  Then Bobble Tiki receives a call from a friend telling him he got an offer for a new job at a tree-service company â€" as a branch manager. Or another friend calls to tell Bobble Tiki that two pretzels were leaving Commerce Street the other night, and one of them was a salted.  Like Bobble Tiki said, not one bit right.

Then, to top everything off, it snowed. And Bobble Tiki slipped on the new freakin' sidewalks along Broadway. Just rip off Bobble Tiki’s wooden skull and feed it to Ray Liotta right now! Enough already!

There’s always tomorrow. Hump Day.

BOBBLE TIKI: BREAKFAST WITH BOBBLE TIKI >>>

Our intern was fooled by the midnight telephone call from Tacoma Power threatening to shut off electricity to the Weekly Volcano World Headquarters. The intern freaked out over the call because he knows the wrath of hell Publisher Pappi Swarner would inflict on him if his vacuum duties are not completed. Thankfully, for all parties involved, the telephone calls are a prank.

Tens of thousands of illegal immigrants in the United States are pissed that they can't dress up like Coldplay at the Grammys and serve fish sticks through a drive-through window.

President Obama's delivered the worst economic news Americans have heard in 70 years. He's already calling this "the lost decade." It's nothing we haven't seen before.

BOBBLE TIKI: BREAKFAST WITH BOBBLE TIKI >>>

Is President Obama scaring the crap out of us into supporting the $800 billion-plus bailout bill? WashTimes has the skinny on the unpresidentialness of “doom” rhetoric.

The Pierce County Sheriff’s Department says it will stop investigating crimes at state-owned facilities in the county due to time and money. Bikini barista robbers beware.

Can’t believe that in the year 2009, they’re still playing the Pro Bowl.

On a night where collaborations of all types were the norm, all you really need to know about last night's Grammys is that Robert Plant & Alison Krauss cleaned up, Jennifer Hudson cried, and Chris Brown got arrested.

Caffé Latte? Caffé-a-lot is more like it. Yes, the South Sound loves its coffee, and nobody knows that better then Starbucks, the unstoppable coffee magnate that has turned small into "tall" and made venti ... well, venti. Starbucks is trying to be more recession-friendly. It has announced $3.95 breakfast pairings â€" “a tall latte and an oatmeal or a slice of reduced-fat cinnamon swirl coffee cake” beginning March 3.

Here's a fat kid on a slip 'n' slide:

BOBBLE TIKI: BREAKFAST WITH BOBBLE TIKI >>>

The ax keeps falling. Employers slashed another 598,000 jobs off of U.S. payrolls in January. By the way, our Unemployed in Tacoma column posts later today on Spew. Happy times.

The Congressional Oversight Panel reports Team Bush overpaid $78 billion of taxpayers' dollars to bailout Wall Street. Where's our goddamn shoe?

Ninth-graders will not have to take Washington Assessment of Student Learning test this year saving the state $500,000. Tenth-graders and the rest of the state's high school students will be tested. Expect a rise in ninth-graders stuffed in lockers. 

Olympic record-setting champion Michael Phelps was suspended from competition for three months by USA Swimming after a photo that showed the Gold metal swimmer smoking dope circulated throughout the Internet. Time for adult swim.

And Bobble Tiki leaves you with a recent photo of Bob Geldof. Looks like he might need a benefit concert soon.
 

BOBBLE TIKI: LOVES HIM SOME DOXOLOGY >>>

Bobble Tiki has a confession: the truth about a side of Bobble Tiki that often embarrasses him just a little.

Bobble Tiki has a definite sweet tooth for uber-produced, catchy as hell, beautiful people endorsed, crazy hooded sweatshirt with crazy dragon pattern wearing, KISS 106.1 ready pop rock.

It's true. Sometimes, when Bobble Tiki is stuck in traffic, or swaying to and fro on the treadmill listening to his Ipod (Bobble Tiki has no legs, remember), he's not really listening to the latest indie sheik band or tuned into one of the few remaining respected FM frequencies.

Nope, he's digging on the pop rock- and especially pop rock like that of Doxology, who will play Jazzbones tonight, Friday, Feb. 6.

If you too are a fan of ear friendly, new school pop rock, Doxology may have already captured your interests. The band's energized and engaging live shows have been winning fans over since Doxology's creation in 2004, and the band's updated approach to crafting bigger than life pop has won over more than a few ears. The band has major radio airplay and even had one of their compositions ripped off by American Idol David Cook, a version of the Beatles' "Eleanor Rigby" that's well known to Doxology fans. Cook later gave credit where credit was due.

This week, Bobble Tiki caught up with Doxology Lead singer Luke McPherson, to check in with the up-and-coming hit makers and gauge the band's excitement heading into Tacoma for what should be another memorable performance.

To read Bobble Tiki's full column, including interview with Luke McPherson of Doxology, click here.

BOBBLE TIKI: CONFOUND IT >>>

There are signs Bobble Tiki may be getting old â€" although he likes to attribute them to things like global warming and international terrorism. Gray hairs pop up in odd places; Bobble Tiki spends as much time peeing as he does drinking beer; hangovers last at least 48 hours; and Bobble Tiki hasn't liked any new music since the late-70s.

Bobble Tiki, however, is not as old as the South Carolina Legislature. This nanny-government body has a bill on its floor that will make the use of profanity a criminal offense in their state. Apparently, it's all about the kids, you know, and protecting their so-called innocence.

It's true. The honest, hard-working, sexually terrified South Carolina elected officials are running around their offices with their hands to their heads, each thinking oh my freaking Jefferson Davis what if our beautiful wee one just so happens to walk by Homeless Hank on their way to Opie's Corner Store & Loans for a refreshing 36 ounces of Pepsi to wash down their kiddie Prozac, and they just so happen to hear Homeless Hank call his imaginary friend a shitdamnfuckface! Surely, their heads would explode.

Seriously? Seriously.

These elected officials need to quite wasting time and spend more time making sure their kids don't grow up to be serial killers or, worse, Christian conservatives.

BOBBLE TIKI: IT'S NOT A SNOW JOB >>>

If you are anything like Bobble Tiki you dig eBay. Some sad sack just swooped in on an ending eBay auction and blew $40 on Bobble Tiki’s rusted-out Six Million Dollar Man lunchbox. Sweet!

The latest items that pique Bobble Tiki’s interest on eBay are the Snow Job sweaters that covered Richard Rhode’s stone wave sculpture in the middle of the Tacoma Art Museum last December. The sweaters â€" one of three exhibits created by Tacoma artists Marc Dombrosky and Shannon Eakins as part of their Snow Job installation â€" currently sit on Goodwill’s eBay page waiting for your hard earned money.  Dombrosky and Eakins donated the sweaters to Tacoma Goodwill and Tacoma Rescue Mission through its Need-a-Break agency. The artists blog about it here and here buy not here.

The sweaters came from various estate sales and bulk-clothing lots with help from Jordan Tart at Pure Clothing. Shannon and Marc are known for their unique ways to re-purpose and recycle materials in their work. With this, they saved the sweaters from the landfill, added value to them, and donated them back to the community. So nice.

With Goodwill, they’ve divided up the sweaters and are listing them over a four-week period. New auctions are posted every Wednesday, starting at $9.59 each.

Cool fact: The stone wave has more than 650 stones. Dombrosky and Eakins only covered the top stones, which total close to 500. There were several hundred sweaters, but they didn’t keep an exact count.

Well Bobble Tiki’s friends, it’s time to blow this joint and squish all of the dollar stores with Bobble’s new Everything's Ten Bucks So Shut The Hell Up And Quit Asking store. Bobble Tiki’s gonna make a mint on this one. Maybe he’ll sell some of the goods on eBay. TGIF!

BOBBLE TIKI: TONIGHT AT BOB'S JAVA JIVE >>>

Who doesn't like a cute band?

Certainly, not Bobble Tiki. Bobble Tiki loves all that is cute.

Tonight at Bob's Java Jive, Cute Band Alert will open for Silver and Sugarfixx. To read Bobble Tiki's article on the show, click here.