STEPH DEROSA: MUST. STAY. COMPOSED. >>>

Someone at the Weekly Volcano World Headquarters hates me. I’m almost positive it’s everyone in that office, but still slightly unsure exactly how much they hate me. Just last week I got called into the Weekly Volcano principal’s office for turning everything their stupid ape-looking weather guy said into a sexual innuendo, and now they’ve gone and delivered me into more immature temptation. That’s right; they went and slid this little tid-bit across my desk, asking me to write something up about it for this week’s issue:

No, not bad at all. I love Dick’s Brewing, 99 Bottles, and what a great deal that is! That actually sounds like its right up my alley. I mean literally, I live down the street so it’s pretty much up my alley. Here’s the kicker though â€" the event is titled (get this): “Taste Dick’s Beer.”

How in the HELL am I supposed to stay straight-laced with that one and not turn it into a sexual innuendo? Oh, I’m so there.

[99 Bottles, 35002 Pacific Hwy. S., Federal Way, 253.838.2558]

BTW, The Red Hot has dollar Rainiers tonight.

STEPH DEROSA: COYOTE STEAK SALAD >>>

Crouton rating - three out of four

Somehow having peanut shells all over a restaurant's floor makes it ââ?¬Å?Texan.ââ?¬Â? Iââ?¬â?¢m sorry, but I donââ?¬â?¢t remember seeing copious amounts of peanut droppings in any venue during my Texan upbringing. I saw shit and hay on the floor of the rodeo stables, but no peanuts. Only here in the Pacific Northwest, at Jimmy Mac's Roadhouse, is southern culinary depicted by a trashed-up, peanut-infested floor. My apologies to all potential BBQ fans with peanut allergies, but you will never be able to grace these Texan-themed dining establishments within your lifetime.

Meh, you�re not missing much.

Jimmy Mac's Roadhouse's Coyote Steak Salad

Description: Perfectly grilled strips of sirloin steak, cooked to your preferred temperature, rest atop an even mound of green salad, cheddar cheese, bell peppers, and saut�©ed onions. This Coyote Steak Salad is also garnished with what I consider to be by far one of the best bread/crouton alternatives ever â�" Potato skins. A deep peppercorn ranch dressing is drizzled and richly hidden within the lettuce leaves while shallowly swimming at the bottom of the salad bowl.

Taste: The meat really is cooked to ordered perfection, and every bite comes out even. I don�t feel like I have too much of one ingredient while lacking on another. Although, I will say that their shredded cheddar cheese is borderline. While it is shredded fine enough to melt along with the other ingredients, it�s obviously your standard flavorless food service cheese. The dressing is original and not lacking in kick by any stretch of the imagination.

Conclusion: I really like this salad, as Iâ��ve had it almost every time I dine at Jimmy Macâ��s Roadhouse in Federal Way. Iâ��m a huge fan of the hot toppings on a cool bed of greens. My favorite part, and most unhealthy, are the potato wedges. With the bit of dressing and random salad toppings that manage to thrive at the bottom of the bowl â�" these wedges make for perfect scooping. Even with the lunch-sized portion, I leave feeling full and satisfied.

Dressing on the side
I was just engaged in a semi-conversation on Facebook concerning gelatin (JELL-O). Last night a typical bout of insomnia had struck, and my thoughts wandered toward JELL-O. I began to question its history and composition. After extensive online research (also involving mass distraction and work procrastination), I was mortified at what I found. Go look for yourselves! I mean it when I say that gelatin is pudding�s evil sibling. Pudding involves milk, and both gelatin and milk are just wicked. Through very clever marketing over the centuries companies have made people believe the shit can better your health. It�s almost as wrong as the marketing genius that decided to plaster a business logo on the side of a PT Cruiser. Nauseating.

[Jimmy Mac's Roadhouse, 34902 Pacific Hwy. S., Federal Way, 253.874.6000]

LINK: South Sound Restaurant Guide

BRAD ALLEN: HURRY! >>>

Due to popular demand and to prevent possible riots, 99 Bottles will bring back its Belgian Beer Appreciation Class Sunday, Nov. 9 at 2 p.m.  Stu Stuart will discuss Belgian beer styles, their history, ingredients, and mythology (Zeus drank Belgian beer I believe), will serving snacks and, of course, Belgian beer. By the way, Stu Stu is one funny guy, too.

They’re 12 spots left so shell out the $55 today.

[99 Bottles, 35002 Pacific Hwy S., Federal Way, 253.838.2558]

MICHAEL SWAN: NEWS TO US >>>

For the fourth goddamn time in, oh, about 18 minutes, the dumb-ass intern No. 1 at the Weekly Volcano failed to print a simple memo on company letterhead Wednesday. It became increasingly clear that intern Rusty Simultan prospects of lasting out the last days of summer were about as slim as near 70 degree temperatures on Sept. 18.

"Fifth time's a charm, huh?" Simultan said, laughing nervously as he inserted another page of the Volcano’s letterhead, which isn't exactly cheap, into the printer. "OK, I think I've got the thing oriented the right way this time. The last one came out right-side up, just on the wrong side of paper. So if I stick it in like this, that should do the trick."

The simpering, overeager college sophomore then made the brilliant move of putting the sheet into the main paper tray instead of â€" hello shithead! â€" the bypass tray, resulting in it being printed upside down on the fifth â€" the freakin' fifth â€" piece of letterhead. The office manager, apparently whose job it is nowadays to babysit the interns, later took over the daunting project.

In other news:

PIERCE COUNTY JAIL: The system needs a tune-up

THEATRE TUSSLE: Private management for Federal Way’s Knutzen Family Theatre angers some city officials

PIERCE COUNTY METER: Last week was rockin’

STEPH DEROSA: WAXING WILD WAVES >>>

I find myself meandering Sixth Avenue on an often and recurrent basis. My typical pace includes stopping by some favorite shops, having a bit of lunch or coffee, and people watching from the private confines of my own observant mental state. It was just this week, after a few cups of coffee, I found myself along Sixth without a public potty in sight. The piano players of Chopstix were inside their venue having some sort of meeting of the musical minds ââ¬" so I asked if I could step in and use their restroom. They were very gracious, and I was very thankful.

It's not very often you'll see me hanging out at Chopstix, Tacoma's dueling piano bar. Not that I don't think it's a fun place and a definite positive addition to our city, it's just not a joint I frequent. Trust me, my friends and I have witnessed plenty of Chopstix bachelorette parties, sung our fair share of Billy Joel tunes, and tied on quite a few Grey Goose martinis in our fun-loving-piano-bar lives. It's an extremely novel idea, and one that I support, but honestly I never thought a dueling piano bar would make it in a city like Tacoma this long. As I pass by the windows on a Friday or Saturday night, all I can see is an overflowing, crowded room of piano crooning Chopstix fans. Whodathunk? Let's be honest here¬" dueling piano bars are meant for the big cities like Las Vegas, New York, and dare I say¬" Seattle. I say kudos to you, Tacoma, for keeping something as different as Chopstix in the limelight. And kudos to you as well, Chopstix, for giving us yet another cool nightlife alternative.

As I was taking my bathroom break, I began to wonder what else was finding itself inside my never gonna make it radar. First thing that comes to mind¬" Wild Waves. Dammit if that place isn't hanging on by a tiny little thread of corporate funding. Talk about the Little Engine That Could attitude, every year I witness mass displacement as I renew my Wild Waves Enchanted Village season pass.

DeRosa Manor is less than five miles away from Wild Waves Enchanted Village, so for my daughter and me this local water wonderland is like our own personal summertime playground. I drop a cool $170 for two season passes and a parking pass at the beginning of the summer, and that's all the money they get from me for the entire year. No lockers, no parking fees, no tubes, no food, no games, no ice cream, no souvenirs¬" no more money spent. If every person did this, or if even half, how would this grand business ever make it?

I look around at the Wild Waves clientele who have taken the day off from work, packed up the minivan, and brought the entire five-member family into the park for the day. How does one afford a day like that? Did they have to take out a second mortgage on their home for a day of cold water sprinklers and beaten-up rides?

No, wait, excuse me¬" not all the rides are beaten up. At least 30 percent of them are just plain closed, while each year Wild Waves Enchanted Village seems to build a new ride. This year it's Disk-O. With this ride you can spin, swing, and vomit all to the tunes of ABBA's greatest hits.

I never have to wait in a line, most of the food vendors are closed, and the lazy river is the only thing I'd consider busy enough to need staff. Yet billboards flash that they're still hiring. Hiring for what? Do they need to hire someone to set the place on fire for insurance money?

There are possibly 10 hot days up here in Washington state that make a water/ amusement park necessary. And by hot I mean above 80 degrees¬" which in Houston is a cool spring day. Growing up in Houston we spent day after long exhausting day in water slide lines, just aching to relieve our sun-beaten bodies from the heat. Traveling to other destination cities with incredible amusement parks (Disneyland, King's Dominion, Dollywood, Hersheypark) the lines were long and the bodies were all there, diligently spending their hard-earned vacation money. This area really doesn't have the family vacation destination draw that is going to support a great amusement park. Wild Waves is simply in the wrong city, with the wrong commodity for sale. After being bought and sold at least three times in the last five years, how are they still around?

Oh Wild Waves, you're like a cockroach. Surviving everything short of a nuclear explosion, you seem to be the aging insect that the Pacific Northwest will never let die.

LINK: Toilet Tales archive

STEVE DUNKELBERGER: 99 BOTTLES >>>

99 Bottles owners Craig and Tiffany Adamowski loved checking out new beers, and they liked doing it so much they have decided to stake their lives on it by opening the beer store in Federal Way in January of 2007.

“Life is too short to choose a favorite brew! When playing croquet, Craig tends to drink Pete’s Strawberry or Moosehead. Lately, he’s been expanding into some of the sweet stouts and nearly all of the labels from Dick’s Brewing Co. He also likes Fish Tale Old Woody.

There’s also a brew from England’s Black Sheep Brewery called ‘Monty Python’s Holy Grail Ale’ â€" Every time I see it, I think ‘’tis only a flesh wound!’ and ‘You’ve been banging two coconuts together’ and ‘We are the knights who say ‘NI!’“

Besides the weird sounding beers, there are the weird tasting ones, like the tequila flavored beers that have been cropping up.

“Seems like a waste of beer to flavor it with tequila ... but then, I’m not much of a tequila fan,” Tiffany says. “The French beer Belzebuth scares me ... I think that’s because of the fluorescent orange ‘13 percent’ on the neck (denoting its higher-than average alcohol content).”

Tiffany gives these tips to customers to show how much they care for beer. First off, the store has ultraviolet lights since direct light shortens the life of beer and deadens its flavor. UV lights slow that process. Second, nearly all beers on the shelves are cellar-able, so beer connoisseurs can place them directly into their beer cellars. In fact, 99 Bottles offers many Belgians and barley wines that improve with age/cellaring.

“It’s amazing that the world’s best wines sell for hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars ... while the world’s best beers sell for around $20 (wine-size bottle) and improve with cellaring,” Tiffany says. “We are also excited to see that area restaurants and brewpubs are effectively pairing food with different types of beer.”

The Deschutes Black Butte XX just arrived at 99 Bottles. The imperial porter marks the 20th anniversary of the initial release of the original Black Butte Porter.

[99 Bottles, 10 a.m. to 8 p.m. Tuesday-Saturday, noon to 5 p.m. Sunday, 35002 Pacific Highway S., A102, Federal Way, 253.838.2558]

SWING/COUNTRY
Vince Brown
Vince Brown is no stranger to string swing fans in the Northwest. As a part of the Tune Stranglers, Hot Club Sandwich and the duo Red and Ruby with LaVon Hardison, Brown’s nimble fingers have delighted audiences for more than 30 years. Brown will perform tonight at Swing Wine Bar, the converted bungalow overlooking Capitol Lake. â€" Tony Engelhart
[Swing Wine Bar & Café, 6 p.m., no cover, 825 Columbia St. S.W., Olympia, 360.485.2242]

SWING/BLUES
Maia Santell and House Blend
They play an upbeat brand of R&B with a little jump blues and big band jazz thrown in for a party second to none. Santell has been called the Northwest’s queen of swing for her high-energy shows and boisterous vocals.  Yet, unlike so many female singers, she is not a screamer but rather possesses exceptional vocal control that is rich and warm. â€" TE
[Verrazanos Restaurant, 7 p.m., no cover, 28835 Pacific Hwy. S., Federal Way, 253.946.4122]

THE GAME
Knowledge Night
If somewhere in the deep, dark recesses of your noggin there lurks the knowledge that actor Abe Vigoda is six-foot-four and grew up on New York’s Lower East Side, then this listing is for you. Every Wednesday Doyle’s Public House in Tacoma hosts Knowledge Night where individuals or teams answer two pages of brain teasers, trivia and current events for shirts, tickets and gift certificates. It’s a challenging, fun night. â€" Brad Allen
[Doyle’s Public House, 7 p.m. every Wednesday, no cover, 208 St. Helens Ave., Tacoma, 253.272.7468]

LINK: Kapakahi and others in the clubs tonight.
LINK: Let’s eat steak tonight.

JAKE DE PAUL: CONVEYOR BELT SUSHI TURNS 50 >>>

Fifty years ago today Jan Brady was born. The Broadway musical My Fair Lady opened for its first night in London on this date 50 years ago. OK, not exciting.  Here’s the money shot: Conveyor belt sushi was invented 50 years ago today in Osaka, Japan. The first revolving sushi restaurant in the world, called Mawaru Genroku Sushi, opened its doors in April 1958 in what is now Higashi-Osaka. Today, there are thousands of conveyor belt sushi (kaiten sushi) restaurants in Japan.

I’ve been going ’round and ’round on conveyor belt sushi vs. a sushi bar. On the one hand, there’s the entertainment value of watching sushi being made right in front of you, not to mention a reasonable assurance of freshness. On the other hand, when you see something you want on the conveyor belt, you just pick it off the line and eat it. At the end of a meal, a server simply tallies up the colored coded plates you’ve accumulated, along with any extras like beer, soup, sake and you’re out of there quick.

Better take in some more 'round research tonight. After all, it’s a celebration.

LINK: Sushi Revolution, 5225 Tacoma Mall Blvd., Tacoma, 253.475.5559. What happened to their Web site?

LINK: Blue Island Sushi & Roll, 35002 Pacific Highway S., Federal Way, 253.838.5500

STEPH DEROSA: WINESTYLES >>>

Well, I did it: I am easily suckered into a wine club. My problem is that I join, and if I have to go pick up my monthly wine, I forget. Fortunately I have KAke and Bandito to help me drink up the multitudes of wine I end up having at the end of the year.

Hopefully that won't happen this time, for I have joined a wine club right by my house. For $35 monthly I get two bottles of wine per month, and 10 percent off my purchases at WineStyles. Meh, it's an OK deal â€" but for as often as I buy wine, and as often as I frequent the 99 Bottles located right next door â€" this is more than convenient.

The selection is almost always stuff I've never heard of, but the price is always very competative. It's definately a "get what you pay for" kind of deal. The knowledge of the sales people has always been spot-on, and I've never left with a bottle I didn't like. Regular wine tastings held at WineStyles are helpful as well.

Don't be scared. Next time you're at 99 Bottles, and you're afraid of your wife bitching about your beer purchase, slip into WineStyles and grab her a good bottle of wine. Unless she's like me, I'd be happy with any amount of liquor a man brought home to me.

BRAD ALLEN: TRAIN FOR ST. PATRICK'S DAY >>>

99 Bottles in Federal Way hosts a stout tasting tomorrow. Throw back six styles of stouts â€" Belgian, Milk/Sweet, Oatmeal, Dry Irish Stout (Guinness), American and Russian Imperial â€" for $5 from 5:30 to 7 p.m.