"Cinco de Mayo," Spanish for "the sink is full of mayonnaise." OK, not really. I made that up, which is only fitting, because the idea that May 5 is a big holiday celebrated throughout Mexico is also made up. This yarn was spun by some PR hack for Corona beer back in the '80s, when the company was looking for a way to get Americans to drink more beer.

Since this is not an especially hard task, they didn't work especially hard on the idea, not even hard enough to note that Mexico's real Day of Independence is Sept. 16. Cinco de Mayo commemorates The Battle of Puebla, where Mexicans defeated the French army, and in Mexico is mostly a regional holiday. Ordinarily, Americans don't cotton to anyone except Oliver Stone replacing facts with fabrications, but in this case, with beer consumption at stake, we were more than willing to overlook a little lie.

So here we are, decades later, stuffing our faces with nachos (another American invention) and toasting each other with mugs of Corona as we celebrate the truly American tradition of making up holidays to boost sales.

Holy mole! Why celebrate the fake holiday by drinking tasteless beer? It's the perfect opportunity to celebrate Mexican culture and drink Mexican craft beer.  Mexico's beer market is the 5th largest in the world by volume: 1.77 billion gallons per year to be exact. Certainly beer-loving Tacoma has a few Mexican craft beer bottles ready for Monday's holiday.

OK, a little research proves grabbing a craft beer created South of the Border might be a challenge. Apparently, of those billions of gallons that are exported - 58 percent of it is Anheuser Busch (Modelo, Corona, Dos Equis) and 41 percent of it is Heineken (Tecate, Sol) - (divide number x by number y, then multiply by 100) that leaves a mere one percent for other Mexican brewers, fighting for space on shelves and taps.

I'm still up for the challenge.

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TUESDAY, APRIL 22 2014 >>>

1. "Let every individual and institution now think and act as a responsible trustee of Earth, seeking choices in ecology, economics and ethics that will provide a sustainable future, eliminate pollution, poverty and violence, awaken the wonder of life and foster peaceful progress in the human adventure." So states John McConnell's original Earth Day proclamation. Begun in 1970 during the March Equinox (March 20, 21), Earth Day is a worldwide yearly celebration and call to action in order to sustain the natural beauty and viability of our world. Once again, in celebration of Earth Day, admission is free at all Washington state parks - meaning the Discover Pass is not required to visit a state park on designated free days. Do your part by ceasing all bathing activity beginning today. For more information, visit www.discoverpass.wa.gov.

2. Local breweries are getting their Earth Day on with a human powered beer delivery parade followed by a bunch of beer drinking.

3. A panel of academics in the early stages of their science careers will share their experiences as science scholars of color at a forum and panel discussion from 5-7 p.m. UW Tacoma's William W. Philip Hall.

4. Kimya Dawson and hip-hop artist Ian Bavitz (aka Aesop Rock) are The Uncluded and will perform music from their debut album, Hokey Fright, at 8:30 p.m. in the Olympia Timberland Library.

5. The "Month of Murray" at The Swiss Restaurant and Pub with a 9 p.m. screening of Rushmore on the projector. Expect food and drink discounts.

LINK: Tuesday, April 22 arts and entertainment events in the greater Tacoma and Olympia area

For all of you health-conscious people out there who want to join in on all the St. Patrick's Day festivities without consuming so many calories - this is for you. Ranker.com, a platform loaded with crowdsourced answers to opinion-based questions, has collected the aggregated opinion of nearly 1,500 voters on "The Best Tasting Light Beers." Here is the top 10:

1. Sam Adams Light

2. Heineken Premium Light

3. Coors Light

4. Bud Light

5. Amstel Light

6. Miller Lite

7. Yuengling Light

8. Michelob Ultra

9. Kirin Light

10. Corona Light

If this list interests you, click here for the other beers on the list.

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MONDAY, MARCH 17 2014 >>>

1. There are better ways to spend St. Patrick's Day than sitting at home in front of a big-ass bowl of Lucky Charms. Plan your Irish wake here.

2. Meet the creators of Use Your Noodle Doodle - a book based on a true story about a grandma and an overenthusiastic dog that takes readers on a journey from mishap to celebration, with many life lessons for the entire family - at 7 p.m. in the University Place Library.

3. MLKBallet Contemporary Master Class with Spectrum Dance Theater's Alex Crozier is an open class that will explore creative movement and improvisation with an emphasis on level changes, varying dynamics of movement and partner work. It's an intermediate level class, and Crozier has a lengthy list of awesomeness, so you won't be able to fake your way through it. It begins at 7:30 p.m. in the Urban Grace Church.

4. Weekly Volcano music critic Rev. Adam McKinney says there are vocal similarities between Kurt Lindsay and late cult singer-songwriter Jeff Buckley. The Rev. says, "Lindsay's voice, like Buckley's (though, of course, no one can truly touch Jeff Buckley, vocally), is simultaneously full of bravado and wounded timidity. It quivers with feeling, though it might be noted that Lindsay's voice often comes across as more lost, searching, which adds a nice element to what is largely music that errs toward modern rock, with some detours to friendly mixers like R&B and folk." See for yourself over a green beer or three at 8 p.m. when Lindsay performs at the Steilacoom Pub & Grill.

5. State to State's influences are as plain as day, but they earn points for never shying away from that. They'd be the first to tell you that U2, Radiohead and Jeff Buckley wrote their playbook. Still, State to State could only be judged for their idolatry if they were bad at impressions, which isn't the case. Their melancholy anthems, dramatic vocals, and chiming guitars all explicitly point at those classic artists, but it's an effective pastiche. Catch the band with Wonder and Roo at 9 p.m. inside Le Voyeur.

LINK: Monday, March 17 arts and entertainment in the greater Tacoma and Olympia area

SATURDAY, MARCH 15 2014 >>>

1. Experimentation for experimentation's sake can be a fun tunnel to explore, but the ability to rein oneself in is a valuable one to have. Following every whim is too easy, which is why we'll always give enormous amounts of credit to people that can write a solid three-minute pop song. Being able to split the difference is ideal, and it's something that Bone Cave Ballet do very well. They're able to take you right to the edge without shoving you off. Read Rev. Adam McKinney's full feature on Bone Cave Ballet in the Music & Culture section, then catch the band with Bandolier, Red Sea and Buffalo Tongue at 8:30 p.m. in Bob's Java Jive.

2. Doyle's Public House has pitched the giant tent and its St. Patrick's Weekend is on. Today, it's a full schedule. They are open this morning for the pre- and post-St. Patrick's Day Dash breakfast and beers. Sounders Supporter Bus will depart at 11:30 a.m. for the 1:30 p.m. kick-off. The Pierce County Firefighters Pipes & Drums will be in the house to stir the emotions with their haunting sound. Corned Beef Cabbage and other Irish dishes are on the menu. At 9 p.m., it's "Working Man's St. Patrick's Day" party kicks in with The Rusty Cleavers and the Ethan Tucker Band.

3. Poet Lisa Panepinto will read from On This Borrowed Bike, her debut collection, full of lyrical, heartwarming poems at 3 p.m. in Orca Books.

4. 106.5 KOWA-FM low power community radio hosts an "Ides of March" benefit concert featuring Yogoman Burning Band, Fabulous Downey Brothers, Oh Rose, Old Growth Poetry Collective and special host and DJ Selector Dub Narcotic at 7 p.m. in the Eagles Ballroom in downtown Olympia.

5. When we were kids, Bach was the bane of our existence. During childhood piano lessons, time spent struggling with the German composer's Inventions 1 through 5 forced us to miss out on crucial bike-riding time and numerous episodes of Sigmund and the Sea Monsters. But if any orchestra can help us overcome our aversion to the music of Johann Sebastian, it's the Northwest Sinfonietta. Conductor Christophe Chagnard, 93 musicians, PLU Choral Union and five soloists perform J.S. Bach's sacred oratorio St. John Passion - a harrowing tale of power, betrayal, murder, love, compassion and hope at 7:30 p.m. in the Rialto Theater.

LINK: Saturday, March 15 arts and entertainment events in the greater Tacoma and Olympia area

Here's a joke to get you in the spirit of St. Patty's Day:

Two Irishmen, Pat and Murphy, saw a sign saying "Tree fellers" wanted.
Murphy said to Pat, "If only Seamus had been with us, we'd have got that job."

Now that you've had a good chuckle, read on for the lowdown about where to get your Irish on in the South Sound.

Friday, March 14

Piping Duo opens the Celtic Festival 2014 at The Harp & Shamrock, 3-5 p.m., 2704 N. Proctor, Tacoma, 253.752.5012. Head to neighboring North End Tavern after for Irish beers.

TK Irish Pub and Eatery hosts Whiskey Syndicate, Ben Union and DJ Triple-Nine while you munch on shepherd's pie, bangers and mash, corned beef and soda bread, 8 p.m., 109 S. Meridian, Puyallup, 253.604.4791.

Saturday, March 15

It's true what Doyle's Public House in Tacoma proclaims, "Saturday, March 15, is Working Person's St. Patrick's Day." For the special occasion, Doyle's will bring in free live music with The Rusty Cleavers and Ethan Tucker Band and Irish-themed menu specials like the classic corned beef and hash. 8 p.m., no cover, Doyle's Public House, 208 St. Helen's Ave. S., Tacoma, 253.272.7468

The Celtic Festival 2014 continues with Highland piper John Vance at 10 a.m. and Mooncoyne at noon, The Harp & Shamrock, 2704 N. Proctor, Tacoma, 253.752.5012.

The Pierce County Firefighters Pipes and Drums band will be roaming Tacoma on some sort of St. Paddy's Day Pub Crawl. You've been warned.

Pre Patty's Punk Party w/ Shake It Off, Regional Faction, Offtrack and Psycho 78, 8 p.m. no cover, O'Malley's Irish Pub, 2403 Sixth Ave., Tacoma, 253.627.9403

St. Patty's Party w/The Funk Agency and AKA and The Heart Hurt Goods, 9 p.m., $3, McCoy's Tavern, 418 Fourth Ave., Olympia, 360.352.0696

TK Irish Pub and Eatery hosts Flogging Molly cover band Groove Colony and Grinder while you munch on shepherd's pie, bangers and mash, corned beef and soda bread, 8 p.m., 109 S. Meridian, Puyallup, 253.604.4791.

Sunday, March 16

The Celtic Festival 2014 continues with Magical Strings, 2-4 p.m. at The Harp & Shamrock.

Traditional Irish group Caladh Nua's will play a wide selection of instruments, such as banjo, fiddle, guitar, bodhran, tin whistle and button accordion. 7:30 p.m., $19-$49, Rialto Theater, 301 N. Ninth St., Tacoma, 253.591.5894

Monday, March 17

And for those of you who don't work normal hours (I'm looking at you service-industry, college students and artists with your own hours), on actual St. Patrick's Day, we have parties for you, too.

Doyle's Public House opens the doors at 6 a.m. and the party won't stop until 1:59 a.m. The music lineup includes The Missionary Position, Staxx Brothers, Science and Stephanie Anne Johnson. If you're worried about standing in line, come in and get the 2014 St. Patrick's Day shirt. It takes care of the door charge and there is no waiting in line while you are wearing it. Pro tip: Ask for Tuesday off.

The Celtic Festival 2014 ends with Irish dancers Scoil Rince Slieveloughane at 1 p.m. and Highland piper Jack Montgomery at 3 p.m. at The Harp & Shamrock.

TK Irish Pub and Eatery hosts Folsom Prism and Just Dirt while you munch on shepherd's pie, bangers and mash, corned beef and soda bread, 8 p.m., 109 S. Meridian, Puyallup, 253.604.4791.

The Hub at Gig Harbor Airport will be throwing a bash featuring games, contests, beer, booze and Irish food, 6 p.m., 1208 26th Ave. NW, Gig Harbor, 253.853.1585.

Rock the Dock Pub & Grill will be throwing a ShamRock & Roll St. Pat's Party, 6 p.m., 535 Dock St., Tacoma, 253.272.5004.

At The Brotherhood Lounge in Olympia, DJ Slimrock will spin soul, funk and more. And as in years past, there might be a surprise visit from bagpipers as well. Jameson's Irish Whiskey and Guinness specials. 9 p.m., no cover, The Brotherhood Lounge, 119 Capitol Way, Olympia, 360. 352.4153

And at O' Blarney's Irish Pub, there will be Irish dancing and singing and an Irish-themed dinner menu. 9 p.m., $5, O'Blarney's, 4411, Martin Way, Olympia, 360.459.8084

OK, time to add to the list. What's missing?

FRIDAY, FEB. 14, 2014 >>>

1. Teenagers going crazy for opera? Only if it's pop-opera from The Ten Tenors. The group from Down Under has impressed all ages, combining opera with a comedic presentation. Instead of classic Italian arias, expect Abba's "Dancing Queen" and a Bee Gees medley. The 10 Aussies on stage don't look bad, either. Catch them at 8 p.m. inside the Pantages Theater.

2. Beer store extraordinaire Pint Defiance is celebrating the big V-Day with a chocolate and beer event Feb. 14-15. The menu will pair flights and bites for $11 - we're talking milk stout with a dark malt chocolate, dopplebock with a cinnamon cayenne bon bon, a wit with an earl grey white chocolate and porter with a black salted caramel. Pint Defiance knows its flavor profiles.

3. The Olympia Old Time Music Festival is held annually President's Day weekend. This year, events take place through Sunday, Feb 16 at the Urban Onion, First Christian Church and Goodbuzz's favorite Arbutus Folk School, all in downtown Olympia. Workshops, live music and dancing - set in the spirit of the '30s - are part of the fun.

4. Treos in Old Town Tacoma hosts a lovely, family friendly Valentine event with wine, chocolate and live entertainment by Ben Potter 7-9 p.m. Snack on delightful flatbreads, craft beers, fine wines and espresso drinks and of course chocolates and locally baked goods. It's fun for the whole family, no cover or reservation required.

5. KUPS 90.1 FM's presents a fabulous "Cheap Date" Valentine's Day dance at Grit City Grindhouse at 8 p.m. Dance to house, electronica, soul and hip-hop spun by Donny Vegas, Dirt P and Kirby "Big Kribb" Lochner.

LINK: Friday, Feb. 14 arts and entertainment events in the greater Tacoma and Olympia area

It might be 2014 to the rest of the world, but to the Washington State History Museum it's 1849. The downtown Tacoma museum will open "Civil War Pathways in the Pacific Northwest" Monday, Feb. 17, an exhibit focusing on the Civil War's impact on the Pacific Northwest. According to pre-opening hype, "This exhibit is about those choices and where they led - the pathways people took. These pathways were discovered through a large crowd-sourcing project that turned everyday citizens into historical researchers, allowing the collection of valuable references to Civil War-era life in Washington."

On display will be more than 150 original artifacts including rare items such as an early photograph of Abraham Lincoln, Isaac Stevens' sword, rare manuscripts, drawings from the U.S. National Archives, and a host of weapons, maps, sketches, and photographs. Together with the stories gleaned from the research project, visitors will experience a powerful exhibit connecting the issues of the past to those of today.

Opening Day

On President's Day, the museum will cut the 165-year-old ribbon, allowing those who have the day off - or are pretending to have the day off - to enjoy presentations and displays by Civil War reenactors portraying members of the military and the community from the Washington Territory including Gen. George Pickett and Washington resident Mrs. Sarah Bacheldor.

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