Wow wow wow. The first few seconds of the trailer for The Best of Me actually made me laugh out loud. We open with not one, but two, unattributed quotes about love and stuff (the first one, hilariously, credited to "Anonymous"). If you thought you'd seen Nicholas Sparks get all Nicholas Sparks-y, then you ain't seen nothing yet.

The Stephen King of trashy, condescending romance novels has returned with another sappy story of two lovers in peril. Beginning with two high schoolers in love, we then flash forward 20 years to find them reunited after backwoods thugs kept them apart. Because this is based on a Nicholas Sparks novel, we can expect lots of kissing in the rain and candlelit proclamations of devotion, right before incongruously pulpy violence enters the picture.

It's amazing how much cache Sparks has just because everyone cried at The Notebook. The bizarre war-torn romance of The Lucky One and the absurd last-act twist of Safe Haven (which I would love to spoil for you right now, if that movie weren't so ridiculously enjoyable to watch and gawk at) weren't enough to shake lose the legions of adoring fans of manipulation and pretty people with Southern accents frolicking.

What might remain the most unbelievable aspect of this movie - barring a Safe Haven-esque left turn - is watching the young leads somehow age into James Marsden and Michelle Monaghan. Like the actually pretty good 17 Again, this aging process seems to involve the fundamental reshaping of skull structures. Also, there may have been a time tunnel involved to account for the non-existent 20-year difference in age between these actors.

Still, I'll eagerly await reading spoilers of The Best of Me, in the hopes that it can rival Safe Haven - which, by now, I hope I've teased you into watching. Seriously, that shit's bonkers.

THURSDAY, OCT. 16 2014 >>>

1. You say you want some spooky? The Voodoo Organist, the Los Angeles artist sometimes known as Scott Wexton, channels Screamin' Jay Hawkins, Devo, The Doors and an evil roller-rink to conjure a circus of lounge sounds darkly peppy. The Voodoo Organist has powers, brother - and unless you're willing to dance in the moonlight with Satan himself, the Weekly Volcano recommends you skip The Valley's first live music show featuring said organist, the return of bizarro punk jug-band Swampy Draws and Los Hermanos Brothers. The whale of the Voodoo Organist's Hammond and the moan of synths will get inside you - and it just might wreck you for good. If you do decide to brave it, the free show begins at 8 p.m.

2. Tacoma artists Chandler O'Leary of Anagram Press and Jessica Spring of Springtide Press host a dual exhibition reception beginning at 4 p.m. Here's how it works: stop by O'Leary's reception at the Tacoma Public Library Downtown Branch first and pick up an illustrated keepsake. Then, take your keepsake down the hill to Spring's reception at the Old Post Office, and print a phrase on it with her antique printing press. Both events are free and open to the public. Except a small pop-up shop at Spring's reception, stocked with goodies related to both shows and also featuring guest artist Mare Blocker.

3. The University of Puget Sound's Art + Science Salon series returns to the Tacoma Art Museum for a conversation about the intersection of science, analog and technology at 6 p.m. Expect to hear big words from computer-controlled installation artist Brent Watanabe, audio-visual artist Joel Ong, music composer James Bernhard and multi-media artist Cable Griffith. Admission is free.

4. This weekend the seventh annual Gig Harbor Film Festival will prove once again there's plenty of life across the Narrows by welcoming a variety of locally-made films, independents, documentaries, shorts and more to the Galaxy Theatres Uptown. Upping the ante, special guests scheduled to appear at the Gig Harbor Film Fest include Karolyn Grimes who played Zuzu in It's a Wonderful Life. Tonight, at 6 p.m., the comedy Frank Vs. God kicks off the festival with a post-film Q&A with producer Scott Schill.

5. DJ SlimRock spins soul, funk and more beginning at 9 p.m. inside The Brotherhood Lounge.

LINK: Thursday, Oct. 16 arts and entertainment events in the greater Tacoma and Olympia area

Over the past week, the Internet collectively lost its shit like a bunch of whiny babies at the very notion of a female Peter Venkman. Director Paul Feig announced that his Ghostbusters reboot would indeed feature an all-female Ghostbusters team, which prompted legions of fedora-wearing, neckbeard-having troglodytes to declare the franchise officially ruined.

Personally, I'm just glad that Dan Aykroyd's lunatic hands are staying far away from this project, but if you're still not sure that Ghostbusters can't survive the casting of some g-g-g-girls, let me make this very easy for you: it's not the casting that's the problem, it's you. You, the people that saw red when Thor was rebooted as a woman. You, the people that came out en masse to harass a female journalist for daring to offer even a mild criticism of the portrayal of women in video games. You, Ghostbusters alumnus Ernie Hudson, who expressed his displeasure at this new casting news by saying - out loud, in front of microphones - that he hopes the new Ghostbusters cast would at least be hot, even if it was unlikely they'd be funny.

In this day and age, where women continue to make strides for their rights in the face of disgusting opposition, it's remarkable to me that we can still be bickering about the gender of people in jumpsuits shooting plasma rays at marshmallow puppets. Just grow up and watch your children's entertainment with as much dignity as you can muster.

THURSDAY, OCT. 16-SATURDAY, OCT. 18: RON FUNCHES

Tacoma Comedy Club's Fourth Anniversary weekend is a great way to take your mind off the Internet's confused He-Man Woman-Haters with performances from Ron Funches. You'd be hard-pressed to find many more lovable comedians working today than Ron Funches, who brings his delightful laugh to Tacoma for a three-night engagement. The ability to come across as likeable and completely natural is a hard one for comedians to tap into, but Funches brings it in spades.

It doesn't hurt that he's also a massively funny guy, bringing a gentle whimsy to even hard subjects like race. Ron Funches has an uncanny ability to disarm audiences, even opening with the line, "Hello, Mr. Whiteface. I mean you no harm, so please don't come at me," before revealing that this was a conversation he had with a cat. Whenever you get bogged down with how unbelievably shitty people can sometimes be, it helps to get soothed by a guy like Ron Funches. One giggle out of him and all the misogynist Ghostbusters fans of the world seem to wash away. 8 p.m. Thursday, 8 and 10:30 p.m. Friday and Saturday, Tacoma Comedy Club, 933 Market St., Tacoma, $15, 253.282.7203

MONDAY, OCT. 14 2014 >>>

1. Ohio-based quartet Saintseneca has more in common with fellow ANTI- Records alumni such as Calexico, Dr. Dog and Wilco. Theirs is a supremely melodic sound, filled to the brim with surprising turns and grace notes. Saintseneca may also have the first Christmas-related song we've heard since we don't know when, with "On Holiday" - which is reportedly about a Christmas where a brick flew through singer Zac Little's window. Lots of Saintseneca's songs have this quality of taking what might be twee and steering it into cheerful darkness. Catch the band with Busman's Holiday, Globelamp and Generifus at 8 p.m. in Northern. 

2. Puget Sound Pizza hosts 7 Seas Brewing Brewer's Night from 6-8 p.m. Expect prizes, giveaways and beards.

3. The Settlers of Catan is the best board game of all time. The Weekly Volcano cannot overstate the coolness of this fast, ever-changing, family-friendly game. If you haven't played it yet, then get to it. Of course, finding this world-renowned German board game can be a challenge. See, Settlers is something of a rarity. You're not going to find it at a typical toy store or a big box retailer. But you can find it - and a tasty adult beverage at 6:30 p.m. in The New Frontier Lounge. Gamers are serenaded by "Kaletron," aka Kale Iverson, who plays a mix of groovy dance hits and all original spacey tunes, which are many times inspired by the games out on the floor. The New Frontier Lounge offers specials during Settlers of Kaletron night, including $8 and $14 microbrew pitchers, $2 pizza slices and dollar tacos. A bevy of nonalcoholic beverages is available for those who want a clear head, including Italian cream sodas, ginger beers and root beer.

4. Classical Tuesdays in Old Town concert series offers a grab bag of awesomeness at 7 p.m. It offers world premiers of compositions by Tacoma composers Rob Hutchinson, Greg Youtz, Deborah Anderson and Kareem Kandi. Also, as a "Metal Event" for the Tacoma Art Commission's Metal-Urge focus this month, we'll hear an improvised work by Miho Takekawa on vibraphones (just go with it). Wait, there's more! New Tacoma Symphony Orchestra conductor Sarah Ioannides will drop by to tell you what's what. Catch this wildly eclectic music mix at the Slavonian Hall.

5. The Tacoma Film Festival is on, celebrating current independent film from around the globe ... and in our backyard. At 8:45 p.m. in The Grand Cinema, Jarhead meets Office Space in the dark comedy Zero Motivation from director Talya Lavie. Two Israeli Defense Force soldiers, Zohar (Dana Ivgi) and Daffi (Nelly Tagar), spend their time getting into office shenanigans with their fellow soldiers, all the while counting down the hours until they can finally leave their boring base.

LINK: Tuesday, Oct. 14 arts and entertainment events in the greater Tacoma and Olympia area

MONDAY, OCT. 13 2014 >>>

1. The Tacoma Film Festival is on, celebrating current independent film from around the globe ... and in our backyard. The 253 represent at this year's TFF. A whole slew of local film shorts will be screened at the Tacoma Community College at 7 p.m.: Lost  byRussell Brooks; Enmity Gauge by Ben Andrews and David S. Hogan; Deadline by Doug Stapleton; Solitude Dawson Doupé and Todd Tapper; Lovesick by Pat Lavigne; Quiet Move by Ronald Lagman; Love-Stuck by Sierra Fein; Fake It ‘Til You Make Believe Kris Crews; and Weeping Willow by Maxwell Swet and Annie Poling.

2. The City of Tacoma's Proposed 2015-2016 Biennial Budget was shared with the City Council Oct. 7. The public is invited to attend a Budget Input Meeting hosted by Mayor Marilyn Strickland to share your thoughts and learn more about how the City is working to prioritize funding between existing services, deferred maintenance, and new and expanded services. It begins at 6 p.m. at The Evergreen State College Tacoma campus.

3. Alison Hawthorne Deming will discuss her new book, Zoologies: On Animals and the Human Spirit at 7 p.m. in Orca Books. In this collection of linked essays, Deming asks, and seeks to answer: what does the disappearance of animals mean for human imagination and existence? Moving from mammoth hunts to dying house cats, she explores profound questions about what it means to be animal. What is inherent in animals that lead us to destroy, and what that leads us toward peace? As human animals, how does art both define us as a species and how does it emerge primarily from our relationship with other species? If this sounds like altogether too much intellectual mumbo-jumbo for you, don't worry. She will have her books on hand, so you can just follow along with the pictures.

4. Portland garage-rock husband-and-wife duo, Justin and Terah Beth Varga, aka Hey Lover, perform at 8 p.m. in Northern in downtown Olympia. Opening will be Needles and Pizza from Portland, Mythological Horses from Alaska and Werecat from Olympia.

5. Life Partnersscreens at 9:45 p.m. in The Grand Cinema as part of the Tacoma Film Festival.Straightlaced and straight Paige (Gillian Jacobs) makes a pact with her best friend, sapphic slacker Sasha (Leighton Meester), that she won't get married until Sasha has the same legal right. When Paige falls for handsome doctor Tim (Adam Brody), the two women struggle to find a place for him in their "womance" in this touching comedy from director Susanna Fogel.

LINK: Monday, Oct. 13 arts and entertainment events in the greater Tacoma and Olympia area

Alright, fucking ENOUGH. There are great vampire movies, already. I swear to you. Here is a sampling, you broad-foreheaded, mouth-breathing, movie-viewing public: Dracula (yes, the original, in black and white), Nosferatu (legitimately creepy, despite the fact that he doesn't know parkour), Werner Herzog's Nosferatu, the Vampyre (because it's Herzog, and fuck you if you're not into that), and even the most recent-and, likely, the last legitimate take on the vampire mythology - Shadow of the Vampire (starring two actual crazy people, Willem Dafoe and John Malkovich). This is not to mention the stunning Let the Right One In, which you should just go and watch before reading the rest of this.

As much as the well has seemingly run dry on modern takes on vampires, here we're met with another grim specter: Dracula Untold, which has the bad timing necessary to have a title reminiscent of The Unauthorized Saved By the Bell Story.

To start with, Dracula Untold's trailer has the gall to winkingly reference the Universal Horror era of monsters, with a black and white Universal logo. Much like the gritty King Arthur of several years ago, this film seems to imply that we're going to be getting the raw, uncut version of the titular character's origin. Dracula Untold seems to be dripping with a smug attitude that almost shouts something like, "See! No teenagers or glitter to be found in this vampire movie! It's just what you've wanted!"

Instead of getting back to basics, Dracula Untold manages to complicate Dracula's myth even more, granting him the power to make giant fists out of bats (?), while seeming to ignore most of the blood-sucking aspects that we've come to know and love about Drac. Thankfully, the film seems to take place in an age before hoodies, unlike the risible I, Frankenstein that dropped earlier this year. Granted, I'd sooner believe a vampire in a hoodie than a monster made of various dead body parts, but that's a conversation for another time: never.

THURSDAY, OCT. 9 2014 >>>

1. The 2014 Tacoma Film Festival is shaping up to be everything a good film fest should be. There are movies from around the world, flicks in a variety of languages, screenings exploring the margins of different societies, and films from the comedy, drama, and short film categories and local ditties. Yes, this festival hosted by The Grand Cinema packs quite the cinematic wallop. This year, the opening night festivities pulls a reverse - the party is after the film. The sweet, star-studded romantic comedy Laggies will screen at 7 p.m. at The Grand Cinema followed by a mixer and DJ Broam at 9 p.m. in the TFF Lounge. Read Jared Lovrak's feature on the 2014 Tacoma Film Festival here.

If you like drinking beer in public places, well you're in luck, our tippling exhibitionist friend, because there are some great opportunities tonight in Tacoma. The Swiss hosts an Oktoberfest battle royale, Pint Defiance shines a spotlight on Top Rung Brewing and The Copper Door invites No-Li Brewhouse through its door. Click here for details on these events.

What goes into the production of a quarter pound burger? According to J.L. Capper in The Journal of Animal Science, 6.7 pounds of feed, 52.8 gallons of drinking water, 74.5 square feet of grazing, and the equivalent amount of energy it takes to run a microwave for 18 minutes. The average American eats approximately 271 pounds of meat a year - or three, quarter pounder burgers a day.  Meat is a tasty part of culture; it's a part of our special holidays and our daily meals, but is the product worth the cost? Pacific Lutheran University's Ruth Anderson Public Debate asks, is it right to eat animals? Chime in at 7 p.m. in Xavier Hall.

4. Prepare yourself for a theatrical extravaganza, a thespian feat seldom seen before! Think of it, 37 (ish) plays, from 400 years ago performed in 97 minutes (or so), a virtual cast of hundreds brought to life by three brave men in tights! Duck and weave on this madcap journey through the canon of the Bard's immortal works. You'll laugh, you'll cry (probably from laughing too hard) and dodge the occasional vomit as Scott Douglas, Dennis Worrell and Patrick Gilmore bring to forth the power, the glory, the hilarity of the when Theater Artists Olympia presents Complete Works of William Shakespeare (abridged)[revised] at 8 p.m. in The Midnight Sun.

Olympia-based DJ Pasquan has arranged another night of hip-hop and rap for his frequent joint, The Cypher. At 9 p.m., Pasquan will host a night of MCs on the microphone at the quaint and intimate eatery/nightspot, Le Voyeur. An Oly mainstay and favorite for out of town acts, the Voyeur will open its doors and its floor for performers Tripple Three, Dr. Roks, Lazlo Steele, Lega C Jones, MC Swamptiger and special guest, Kyle Mclin.

LINK: Thursday, Oct. 9 arts and entertainment events in the greater Tacoma and Olympia area

TUESDAY, OCT. 7 2014 >>>

1. The man who gave us A Christmas Carol - not to mention an adjective used for describing everything from working conditions to an episode of The Wire - receives a big toast in Tacoma's Stadium District every holiday season. This year marks the 10th edition of the Dickens Festival. The man who gives us the yearly Lumins Festivus illuminated parade - not to mention tacomasoutsidersguide.com, an alternative guide to Tacoma - will illuminate this year's Dickens Festival at Stadium. Adam Martin will hang luminaria stars throughout the district this season. From 6-9 p.m. he's holding the first luminaria star-making workshop at Gibson's Frozen Yogurt in the Stadium District. You'll need to remember two things. First, Martin is a deep thinker so the stars will have alternative meaning. Second, keep it together if you run into an illuminated Tiny Tim.

2. The last time we heard a car story, it was a rare Pixar dud and turned out to be the end of the road, more or less, for both Paul Newman and George Carlin. We're due for another car story. Each first Tuesday of the month, a staff member from LeMay - America's Car Museum picks a car and offers a fascinating peek into its history. The discussion at 11:30 a.m. will be "Cars as Metal Art Part 1: Automotive Body Sculpting," with Scot Keller, ACM chief curator. This program is part of Tacoma Arts Month's Metal Urge series.

3. The One I Love marks Mark Duplass' most high-profile film in two years, and he's joined by Mad Men's Elizabeth Moss. Together the pair portray a husband and wife on the outs who head to the countryside to reconnect at the behest of their marriage counselor (Ted Danson). There, they find a guest cabin that ... well, we're not going to spoil what's in that cabin. Catch the film at 2:15, 6:55 and 9:10 at The Grand Cinema.

4. Sherilyn Lightner runs the bar at Dillingers Cocktails and Kitchen, the Prohibition-era speakeasy in downtown Olympia. She has been bar mistress at Dillingers since it opened Jan. 28 of this year. You already know this as you read Lightner's Q&A yesterday. She joins Dillingers Chef Denise Alsonso for a night or Roaring '20s food and drink at Bayview School of Cooking, beginning at 6 p.m. It's $55 a person; RSVP here.

5. "Now Wally, I want you to go in the living room and pick up those orange peels that you left on the coffee table. If your father comes home and sees them he'll be in a terrible mood all through dinner and won't let you and The Beaves rock the Red Wind Casino at 6:30 p.m." - June Cleaver

LINK: Tuesday, Oct. 7 arts and entertainment events in the greater Tacoma and Olympia area

Talking dead, this is Nerd Alert, the Weekly Volcano's recurring events calendar devoted to all things nerdy. I myself am a Star Wars fan, mathlete, and spelling bee champion of long standing, so trust me: I grok whereof I speak.

If you're a true movie lover, or just feel like not hating yourself, leave Dracula Untold this weekend and dive into the Tacoma Film Festival instead. It's running all week, with nerd god Leonard Maltin sitting in Friday and Saturday. Opening night (Friday at 7:30) gets underway with a screening of Laggies, a rom-com starring Keira Knightley and the great Sam "Guy" Rockwell. (Any fellow Galaxy Quest fanboys out there? Right?!) It's directed by Lynn Shelton, who's already given us the charmers Humpday and Your Sister's Sister. Alternately that night at 7, there's a Viggo Mortensen thriller, The Two Faces of January, which finds a con man and his wife chased through present-day, camera-ready Greece. A Maltin Q&A follows the latter film. The festival's chockablock with shorts, too, with everything from animation to documentary to efforts by some of our favorite Northwestern filmmakers. Saturday afternoon at 1:30, Maltin will sign copies of his 2015 Movie Guide and host a screening of Frank Capra's 1948 classic, State of the Union. Hail to the chief!

SATURDAY, OCT. 11

It's Star Wars Reads Day (yay!) at a library near you. The main branch of the Tacoma Public Library celebrates with crafts, a screening of Lego Star Wars: The Yoda Chronicles at 2:30, and Mel Brooks' ludicrously-speedy Spaceballs. Why? Because nothing encourages reading like watching a video. Ooh, burn for literacy! Incidentally, the Imperials at Lucasfilm Licensing recently decided that almost every Star Wars novel or comic book published since 1977 is now completely non-canonical. The exceptions began with a "dark times" novel, A New Dawn by John Jackson Miller, which hit shelves Sept. 2. So if you're still lugging around that crate full of Rogue Squadron actioners and hoping to hit payday on eBay, the Force may no longer be with you.

STAR WARS READS DAY, 1:30-6 p.m., Tacoma Public Library, 1102 Tacoma Ave. S., Tacoma, free, 253.292.2001

SUNDAY, OCT. 12

The last time we saw our heroes on AMC's The Walking Dead, a group of them were trapped in a boxcar in a gated community with the deceptive name of Sanctuary. Meanwhile, one claims to know how the plague of undead walkers can be stopped once and for all. As season five begins Sunday at 9, we have reason to believe two things: first, Rick will snap out of his sleepwalk; and second, Michonne will remain a total effing badass. Oh, and Carl will continue to wear that stupid hat.

MONDAY, OCT. 13

The eagerly awaited Star Wars Rebels debuts on Disney XD Monday at 9. In fact, this first 90-minute episode airs on other Disney channels as well, but once the hook has been set, you'll be asked to pony up for the obscurer XD. Well, I will not! I will dig it up on the Internet, unless it is illegal, in which case never mind! I win this round probably, Uncle Walt! Anyhow, the same folks who gave us Star Wars: The Clone Wars, a show I grew to like very much, produce this new animated series. Even better, Star Wars Rebels is set in the far more interesting and Vaderful period between the two movie trilogies. Disney approved this show for season two before its pilot even aired, so apparently show runner Dave Filoni and his Jedi apprentices have delivered again.

TUESDAY, OCT. 14

A lot of you will be running out to buy Gearbox Australia's Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel! Tuesday, because violence. Your humble commentator, however, will still be panic-racing through the flickering halls of space station Sevastopol. That's where Amanda Ripley, daughter of the still cryo-frozen Ellen, confronts a xenomorph of her own in The Creative Assembly's terrifying Alien: Isolation (to be unleashed Oct. 7). Use your flares, check your corners, and for the love of sweet Jebus - whatever you do, do not eat that cornbread.

Until next week, may the Force be with you, may the odds be ever in your favor, and may you never need a pit stop on LV-426. Aye-firmative!

I haven't tried very hard to keep a secret of how much I dislike most holidays. I've written multiple times about my disdain for New Year's Eve and my lack of enthusiasm for Christmas and Valentine's Day. People tend to think that I'm somehow missing out on the boundless joy that people derive from these celebrations. Do I really go all year without a special day coming along to connect me to my fellow man?

No. That day has arrived, and it is the release of the newly Nicolas Cage-ified Left Behind. I don't know who's been reading my diary, or what star I wished upon, but Hollywood suddenly had the earth-shattering idea to pair film's most insane actor with an Evangelical property that gets all of its tension and suspense from piles of clothes.

Earlier this year, my friend Nicky and I took some time out to get obsessed with films made by and for Christians. The first one we decided to watch just had to be the Kirk Cameron vehicle that was the original, hilariously inept Left Behind. That original run of direct-to-video atrocities capped off at as trilogy, though the books upon which they were based total something in the range of 16 (!). My only hope is that this new Left Behind decided to throw every one of those pages at Nicolas Cage, just to see how badly they can make him lose his shit.

This new Left Behind is directed by former stuntman Vic Armstrong, which is just too good to be true. While making the transition from stunts to directing worked out for Hal Needham, I have little hope for this Vic Armstrong guy. But, you never know. All I want in the world is for this to spawn a reality series about the friendship between Cage and a crazy religious stuntman. I know you've already given me Left Behind, God, but can we get one more miracle?