GRAB A CUP OF COFFEE AND A NOTEPAD >>>

Tacoma has a bustling art/culture scene. Most "in the know" Tacomans know this, as do some of us deserters. Dozens of art galleries and workshops. A secret society of cartoonists. Talented videographers. Wonderful restaurants. A rocking indie music scene. Way cool. It's so awesome to live in Tacoma, right? I mean, I know exactly what's cool all of the time because there's a centralized way to experience Tacoma. Wait a second. There isn't? You mean, I have to actually know the right people or scour Facebook groups and local rags and attend tons of conflicting events to really experience "art city?" Well, my friends, you've come to the right place, because I'm going to present Tacoma (and you) with an opportunity it doesn't even know it needs. What's more, this could potentially be one of the most engaging and fun opportunities available to any Tacoma enthusiast. This could become your life. This could become your job. Here it is, 253's blueprint for an Internet television show.

Yes, the Internet. Al Gore's gift to the multiverse. Why the Internet? Because it's everywhere and can be accessed by everyone. Why is an Internet television show valuable to Tacoma's cultural identity? Because with so much excellence and innovation going on it Tacoma, it's hard to keep track and focus in. Where would comedy be without SNL making the faces of today's biggest comedians? Where would our understanding of politics be without Stewart and Colbert? Where would America's music lexicon be without American Bandstand? OK ... bad example.

Outside of actually experiencing something (which, with so much to see, is hard to do), video is the most comprehensive medium there is (outside of smell-o-vision of course). Yes, there are a bunch of excellent magazines/newspapers/blogs out there like the Weekly Volcano, Exit133 and The Melon that highlight what's up, but to really experience it you need to see it. You need to hear it. In our world of chaotic day-to-days, sometimes making it out to a show isn't possible. With video you can reach people on their own clock. People who are afraid to leave their homes or are just too damn tired from all that living.

Imagine a monthly (or ideally weekly) online show that anyone could tune in to. A show that features local bands, interviews local politicians, presents local artists and filmmakers. A show that visits restaurants like Infinite Soups or gets a haircut at Supernova. A show that samples the local brew at The Red Hot, or sees a new show at the Tacoma Little Theatre. Hello, McFly! The possibilities are endless. Every week there's something new. Every week people would rely on the show to highlight something amazing about art city. It would be a beacon. The flag that perpetuates art/culture/life in the city to better itself. Tacoma has usually been smart about not trying to be or live up to any other city's expectations. This is an opportunity to unite everything that makes Tacoma special.

So how can you (yes, you! who else is going to do it?) make this happen?

The Blueprint

Step 1: Form your team

This is the hardest part. To make this happen you need the most creative, hyper-energetic go-getters you can find. They don't need to be the smartest people in the world, but they need to be hard workers and most of all they need to be reliable. Reliability is a key to success here. You'll run into a lot of people who say they're interested in the idea, but end up not answering emails or texts or sexts. Starting any project needs people who do what they say and say what they do. These are the people you need:

Producer: You or your head honcho of creativity. Your Lorne Michaels. Someone who can direct this production and will be the little engine that can, will and does.

Staff: Your talent scouts and bookers. Your staffers and organizers. Your dedicated folks you can rely on type something up, to email someone and get things done.

Host: The face. The talent. The Johnny Carson. The Dave Letterman. Someone respected in Tacoma, or charismatic enough that people will want to see him or her week after week. Needs to be a talented interviewer and speaker. Funny is a must.

Reporting Crew: Additional host-like folks who can host features.

Promoter: Your Facebooker. Your inviter. Your gossiper. Your marketer.

Business Manager: This will come in later. This person will keep books, come up with your budget and do other businessy things. Surprise, you're giving birth to a business.

Every person on your team will be wearing multiple hats and will have multiple responsibilities at first. But that's what it takes.

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WEDNESDAY, APRIL 18, 2012 >>>

1. Just four months ago hardcore bands Crowd War and John Belushi disbanded and reformed to create To Die For, a favorite hardcore metal band of local all-ages venues. To Die For's throbbing, metal-rage-inducing lineup consists of Patrick Adickes with the vocals, Mike Mike Lavagnino on guitar, Mike Elverston on drums, Mat Donaho playing bass and our dear friend Justin Kirby also on guitar. To Die For performs with Cowardice, I Delilah, Safe & Sound, and Lo' Do I See My Brother in a 6 p.m. all-ages show at Hell's Kitchen in Tacoma. Read Steph DeRosa's Metal Home Companion column for the inside scoop on To Die For.

2. The Grand Cinema reaches the big 15 officially today, and Tacoma's indie film house celebrates at 6 p.m. in the theater's lower lobby. Surrounded by wall art of past films, attendees can reminisce and network over beverages and dessert while the staff salutes those who saved the business from closing its doors in 1997. Weekly Volcano film critic Christopher Wood does his own reminiscing, and chats with Grand employees, in the Arts section at weeklvolcano.com.

3. Hailed as a "young alpinist on fire" by Alpinist Magazine, Colin Haley is a major figure in modern fast and light alpinism. According to hype, "Haley is on the leading edge of international alpine climbing. His accomplishments include establishing a new summit route on Cerro Torre's West Face and a 1^st ascent of the Entropy Wall on Mt. Moffit in Alaska's Hayes Range. Colin has climbed with some of the most accomplished alpinists in the world including Steve House and Rolando Garibotti." Haley will discuss his alpine climbing adventures from the Cascades to Patagonia at 7 p.m. inside The Evergreen State College Lecture Hall 1.

4. The Washington Center hosts an amazing evening of music performed by some of Ireland’s most esteemed traditional musicians - including Martin Hayes, Iarla O Lionaird, Dennis Cahill, Mairtin O'Connor, Cathal Hayden, Seamie O'Dowd, David Power - at 7:30 p.m. This concert is based on a festival that has been held for the past 8 years in the West Cork town of Bantry.

5. If imitation is indeed the sincerest form of flattery, then Folsom Prism dispatches flowery love letters to the Man in Black every time the band performs. State Farm agent and Taco Bell enthusiast frontman Corey Wilkins for the Tacoma-based Johnny Cash tribute band rumbles his way to a pitch-perfect imitation of the legendary songsmith. Armed with a repertoire from Cash's Sun Records to his American Recordings, this high-energy tribute band will bring the highwayman's spirit to life at 9 p.m. inside Jazzbones.

LINK: More arts and entertainment events in the South Sound

LINK: Live music and DJs in the South Sound

LINK: South Sound happy hours

WRITER/DIRECTOR JESSE WATSON'S FILM TO SCREEN AT STIFF >>>

We all have multiple identities. Sometimes, Tacoma's Rick Walters makes films. He produces, acts, and has even written and directed his own short, 2011's Scamp. At other times he wears the title Dad for his son Race (the two performed together in Scamp).

But on this particular day Walters plays yet another role - Operations Sergeant at Joint Base Lewis-McChord. Dressed in full ACU (army combat uniform), he drives me across the vast post (where he works full-time) toward the French Theater, for a privileged screening of his latest producing effort. I'm no solider, but I get to be an audience of one this afternoon.

I have about 600 seats to choose from within the movie house. I plop down in one as the lights dim, looking forward to seeing A Man, Buried, which I've heard about online for more than a year. The film brings back to the screen a few local faces I recognize: Darlene Sellers (Fantastic Confabulations) and Tony Doupe (who I met just weeks ago on another Andrew Finnigan production, Koinonia).

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WHAT WE HAVE FOUND TODAY >>>

Motorcycle Club Global Grinders: It's under investigation because its after-hour parties twice have ended in shooting deaths in the past eight months. (News Tribune)

The Pot Papers: The 11-member Medical Cannabis Task Force has been sniffing around the Tacoma marijuana dispensaries and will submit a report that tackles issues such as zoning, permitting and security to the city Planning Commission and the Public Safety Committee before landing before the City Council. (News Tribune)

Turn On The Money Machine: because the Legislature ran long, state lawmakers must raise cash for their campaigns quickly. (News Tribune)

Train To The Bank: State auditors have warned the City of Tacoma to stop throwing money at the "Train to the Mountain." (News Tribune)

Prostate Cancer: A new technique to combat early prostate cancer may have far fewer side-effects than standard treatments. (BBC)

Pilfered Paintings: Five famous art heists through history. (Time)

The Simpson's Couch Gag: The real story. (Cinema Blend)

Soundgarden's New Single: Download it for free. (Billboard)

Help Us John Connor: The new robot prison guards are here. (The Awl)

TUESDAY, APRIL 17, 2012 >>>

1. Psychedelic folk revivalist Joanne Rand will drop by Fusion Integrated Body Studio for a night of avant-garde Appalachian traditionals, southern blues-rock and original orchestral compositions about the human condition. You might have seen her back in the early '90s when she was an integral part of the Seattle music scene. Today, she calls Northern California home, and every rag in that area has printed the word "best" next to her name. The Hinges open the show at 8 p.m.

2. TED is a nonprofit organization dedicated to sharing knowledge and ideas. Most people with an Internet connection probably know about the TED talks posted online, but now Tacoma will have its own TED event. TEDx are locally organized versions of TED talks, and TEDx Tacoma is set to take place from 9:30 a.m. to 5 p.m., and the theme is Transformation. Speakers will range from artists to business owners to community movers and shakers. Read Kristin Kendle's full feature on TEDx Tacoma in the Arts section of weeklyvolcano.com.

3. Learn to cultivate creativity and live a more artistic life with John Jacobsen, executive director of TheFilmSchool in Seattle, at noon in the theater at Pierce College Fort Steilacoom. During this free, two-hour workshop, Jacobsen will examine what it means to be an artist, how artists tell their stories and why those stories are important.

4. Comedian John Garnett recently moved back to Tacoma from Los Angles where he rubbed shoulders with Brad Pitt, Clint Eastwood and many other celebrities. "Tacoma has always felt like home, full of REAL people, who wake up to REAL lives. Nothing like the big rush hour driven, dollar sign eye'd, people I met when I lived in LA and New York I wanted to be real again," says Garnett who will open Ha Ha Tuesdays at Jazzbones at 8:30 p.m. before headliner Daniel Dugar hits the stage.

5. Every 17th of the month Doyle's Public House hosts a practice session for its big St. Patrick's Day party. Practice makes perfect in the eyes of owners Russ and Dave. However, the party will be taken a notch higher as the Stadium District watering hole will also celebrates its sixth anniversary. Expect corned beef and cabbage as well as 2006 prices on all goods. Oh, and for some reason Doyle's can't mention the band fronted by Junior that will rock the joint, in a very sexy way, at 8 p.m.  

LINK: More arts and entertainment events in the South Sound

LINK: Live music and DJs in the South Sound

LINK: South Sound happy hours

LOL >>>

The film is called Think Like A Man, and the trailer opens with renowned woman-hospitalizer Chris Brown gleefully skipping out on a girl post-coitus. Ha ha ha ha barf. Thanks, movie, but if that's thinking like a man, er, uh, I'd rather not.

Are you ready for some Adaptation-style mind-freaking? Get this: Think Like A Man is based on Steve Harvey's book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, which appears to be too cliché for comment. BUT! In the world of the film adaptation of Harvey's book, the book actually exists and provides the crux of the movie's conflict. Inception!

Basically, here's the situation: All of the ladies who have been continuously used and fucked-over by every man they've ever met start reading Harvey's relationship advice book, and all hell breaks loose. Suddenly, women become aware that men are the most awful creatures to ever walk this disgusting planet. Their plan is to act even worse than men, because everyone is terrible and dear god why was this movie made?

Of course, men figure out that ladies have been reading that book, and then promptly label Steve Harvey as a "traitor" (which surely must be some weird, internalized guilt on Steve Harvey's part for betraying all that secret men stuff). Their response? Continue the cycle of woman-fearing subterfuge as a means of sleeping with as many randos as possible while avoiding any kind of actual communication that might lead to a greater understanding of the opposite sex and possibly even a fulfilling relationship.

Awesome! Glad we got all that cleared up! What healthy adults we all are! Can I please be excused? I think I have some more Chris Brown puke to work through.

THE WEEK IN GEEK IN THE SOUTH SOUND ... AND BEYOND >>>

And we're back! Nerd Alert is the Spew blog's recurring events calendar devoted to all things nerdy. I myself am a Star Wars fan, mathlete, and spelling bee champion of long standing, so trust me: I grok whereof I speak. Did I steer you wrong with my recommendation of Cabin in the Woods? Well, did I?

Record Store Day!

Holy crap in a Cracker Barrel, Record Store Day is this Saturday, April 21! Once a year, artists unite with independent record stores to offer music you simply cannot buy online. This year's selection is incredibly diverse, offering live sets from the Black Keys and Grace Potter & the Nocturnals, 7" vinyl from Foster the People and Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros, a limited-run, 180g vinyl from Death Cab and hundreds of other items. Participating stores in the South Sound include Phantom City and Rainy Day in Oly, plus Disc Connection and Rocket Records in Tacoma. For the full roster of swag for sale, visit RecordStoreDay.com. Then show your local disk pushers some love. They deserve it.

While you're shopping, pick up a Blu-ray or DVD copy of Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. This Tom Cruise blockbuster, directed briskly by animation genius Brad Bird (Iron Giant, The Incredibles), was my favorite movie of 2011, and I'm in no way ashamed to say it. Did Moneyball or A Separation have an action scene set on the side of the 2,716-foot Burj Khalifa tower in Abu Dhabi? They did not.

Friday, April 20

My fellow theater critic Joe Izenman can barely contain himself about Terminus, a verse play by Mark O'Rowe about a woman who falls off a construction crane, gets saved from certain death by a worm demon, and then has sex with said demon. So yeah, same old, same old. For those of you who don't follow the 21^st century playwriting scene - which, let's face it, is most of you, so listen up! - Ireland is where the magic is happening. O'Rowe is one of a handful of Gaelic dudes penning brutal, foulmouthed, shock-a-minute masterpieces. Harlequin staged The Seafarer by Conor McPherson, Riot to Follow just closed Martin McDonagh's The Pillowman, and now director David Domkowski has his filthy way with Terminus. Don't take your grandma ... unless, of course, Grandma is a huge William Friedkin fan. That'd be weird.

[The Space, Terminus, $14.50, 729 Court C (Opera Alley), Tacoma, http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/235270]

Saturday, April 21

At 5:30 and 9:30 p.m., the Seattle Cinerama will screen a gorgeous 70mm print of 2001: A Space Odyssey. "My God, it's full of stars!" You know, like Keir Dullea. Still ... trippy.

At 10 p.m., Patton Oswalt has a new hour of standup on Comedy Central, called Finest Hour, followed by new Paul F. Tompkins. "Wackity, schmackity doo!"

Sunday, April 22

There are otherwise button-down, Wonder-bread, vanilla South Sounders who lose their ever-lovin' shizz over Wayzgoose. We're talking full-on fanboy meltdowns. Tacoma's "Letterpress and Book Arts Extravaganza" might seem an odd choice for this column, but I've never met a geek yet who didn't have at least some appreciation for the siren song of an artfully published book. Did you know that a wayzgoose is the annual feast thrown by a master printer for the staff of his or her press? And did you know this year will mark the third Wayzgoose appearance of C.L.A.W., the Cartoonists' League of Absurd Washingtonians? And did you further know that Jeff's Ice Cream will be there, hawking frozen delights from a trailer on the back of a bicycle? Bicycle ice cream, people. The man sells bicycle ice cream!

[King's Books, Wayzgoose, free, 218 St. Helens Ave., Tacoma, 253.272.8801]

Until next week, may the odds be ever in your favor, the Force be with you, and your dialogue be written by Aaron Sorkin.

LINK: Past Nerd Alert! columns

SUNDAY, APRIL 15, 2012 >>>

1. Watching a good independent film at a festival is a bit like meeting The One, then losing his/her number - you may never run into each other again. But The Grand Cinema, our local cinematic Cupid, believes in second chances, and second screenings. So in case you missed Losing Control at the Tacoma Film Festival last October, or just want to rekindle your pleasure for writer-director Valerie Weiss's romantic comedy, her movie hits the theater again at 4:30 and 9:10 p.m.

2. What started as Paul Manuel's outgrowth of monthly youth jams at Jazzbones on Sixth Avenue has turned into something much more involved; kids of all ages are forming bands, learning to play new instruments, performing and competing through their affiliation with the Puget Sound Music For Youth Association. See it in all its glory at 2 p.m. inside The Swiss.

3. Each April brings a shower of poetry to the South Puget Sound. Inaugurated as National Poetry Month by the Academy of American Poets in 1996, the entire month is dedicated to showcasing and celebrating poets, poetry, libraries, bookstores, and the literary arts community across the nation. The South Sound has its own praiseworthy poets with words to spit about our own place in the American poetry scene. A few big name poets will read their works from 3-5 p.m. at the Museum of Glass. Tacoma's Poet Laureate Josie Emmons Turner, Washington State Poet Laureate Kathleen Flenniken, and poets Rick Barot and Michael Schmeltzer will be rhymin' and readin' their swirl of stanzas.

4. Randy Oxford's trombone skills are front and center as he showcases his brand of blues - an upbeat, funky, jazzy, high-energy sound - backed by some of the best musicians in the region at 5 p.m. inside the Marine View Church. 

5. The LGBT elder film series sponsored by SAGE Olympia in collaboration with Olympia Film Society continues with Southern Comfort, playing at the Capitol Theater at 5 p.m. SouthernComfort is a 90-minute feature-length documentary about the life of Robert Eads, a 52-year-old female to male transsexual who lives in the back hills of Georgia.

LINK: More arts and entertainment events in the South Sound

LINK: Live music and DJs in the South Sound

LINK: South Sound happy hours

JUST POKE ME IN THE EYE NOW >>>

To watch the original Three Stooges shorts these days can be a little disheartening. Somehow, it's not as funny to me anymore to watch aging vaudevillians hit each other with hammers. I distinctly remember being a kid and getting kinda disturbed by a Three Stooges gag where their sergeant (because, of course, they were in the Army) made them stick their heads in a trough of water, and then fired his gun underwater, deafening them.

Yikes. Er, nyuk nyuk?

It's clear to me that the only way to improve upon those original shorts is modernize them. Yeah, that's the ticket! Really freshen them up!

Well, I - and, by extension, you - are in luck, because those darn Farrelly Brothers have done just that, opening Friday nationwide. Have you ever wanted to see Moe interact with Snooki, from Jersey Shore? Of course you haven't! Because no one watches that show anymore, making the idea of including a Snooki cameo as dated and oddly sad as the notion of three bumbling morons who specialize in carpentry, gourmet cake decorations, bottled milk delivery, opera, and eye-poking.

I wonder if there will be some winking commentary on how Moe, Larry and Curly manage to thrive in this economic climate with them having as many jobs as they do. Spoiler alert: there will be.

Snarky fish-in-barrel-shooting aside, it must be noted that the three actors chosen to portray the Stooges (Will Sasso, Sean Hayes, and Chris Diamantopoulos) have seemingly mastered their impressions. Good, I guess. But these roles were originally supposedly going to filled with Jim Carrey (Curly), Benicio Del Toro (Moe) and Sean Penn (Larry).

Can you imagine how fucked up and amazing that movie would have been?

That is the only Three Stooges movie that I will ever see. Let me know when they announce that Harmony Korine has been attached to direct.

LINK: Three Stooges 2012

LINK: Movie times and descriptions screening in the South Sound

WRITER-ACTOR TONYA YORKE'S FILM LISTEN ACCEPTED AT STIFF 2012 >>>

With already two films to its credit this year, Tonya Yorke's In the Room Productions quickly moves into the spotlight. While the Tacoma actor-producer's effort in The Shootout, a western about gunslinger Jesse James, nears completion for the festival circuit, last week Yorke received good news about another project: The Seattle True Independent Film Festival (STIFF) has accepted her short, Listen, into its upcoming May lineup.

The honor hasn't entirely sunk in for this first-time screenwriter. "I'm just kind of not grasping ... that these things are happening," she laughs.

Motivated by an unshaken faith that her life's path lies in filmmaking, Yorke knows how to turn dreams into the real thing - literally. She based her script for Listen on what she calls "a very haunting dream" of a long-lost coworker from her youth. Yorke never had a chance to share her vision with that boy, and so it always stayed with her.

"(Originally) I wrote the story as a monologue that I used in auditions for years," she says.

In Listen Yorke revisits her past once more by playing Allison, a grocery store clerk unsure whether to tell a stocker she barely knows about her strange dream. Actor Ernie Joseph, who shares the screen with Yorke in The Shootout, does so again as the depressed character Paul. The result is a beautifully shot, sincere film about trusting one's intuition and listening for the unspoken pain in others.

As Yorke says, "You never know what's going on in someone's life."

Visit STIFF's website soon to find Listen's screening date, or check for updates on Listen's Facebook page.

LINK: A behind-the-scenes featurette on Listen 

Listen to Listen's Tonya Yorke discuss her personal film with me in the video below.

Tonya Y. Talks LISTEN on Movie Buzz from Chris W on Vimeo.