THURSDAY, MARCH 14 2013 >>>

1. Up until 2003, trains pounded the historic Prairie Line rail corridor from the Thea Foss Waterway to the Brewery District, passing rickety warehouses and dens of iniquity. In the fall of 2011, some $5.83 million was earmarked to turn the half-mile Prairie Trail corridor into a living and breathing interpretive trail connecting the waterfront with downtown Tacoma, which will also include a storm water purification system for the polluted runoff from Hilltop. Then reality hit. The University of Washington redesigned its portion. The storm water filtration ponds are now subtle. The pedestrian and bike paths are more functional. The price tag much less. Now it's the city of Tacoma's turn to fall in line. It's segments of the Prairie Line - south of campus into the Brewery District and north as it crosses Pacific Avenue and heads toward the Thea Foss Waterway, the end of the line for the transcontinental railroad of yesteryear - needs to meld with UWT's design. See the city's proposed designs for its portion of the Prairie Line Tail at an open forum from 5:30-7:30 p.m. at the Tacoma Art Museum. Yes, open forum. You may chime in with your own design thoughts.

2. From 4-7 p.m. Tacoma's Crescent Moon Gifts will take the bake sale to a new level. Its Dessert and Divination offers baked goodies, shop and snag sweet swag like bracelets, tees and uh, more baked goods - with all proceeds going to support the Central Puget Sound Pagan Pride Day (say that three times fast). Crescent Moon knows how to throw a fundraiser. Also with every $10 dessert purchase attendees will receive a free 10-minute reading.

3. There's a lot of bickering and disagreement in this world, but one thing anyone with a soul can agree on includes the value of pie. At 7 p.m. King's Books celebrates Pi(e) Day, featuring the release of the book Pieography: Where Pie Meets Biography and a Pie Baking/Recipe Contest open to all. Tacoma artist Sarah Beth Smith will be there as she is one of the contributors to Pieography, the new book that features 42 pie recipes that encapsulate the lives of 39 women. The pie contest is open to all with the winner receiving a free copy of the book and a ribbon.

4. O'Blarney's Irish Pub in Olympia is so freakin' excited about St. Patrick's Day that it can't wait any longer. At 7 p.m. it will host an Irish-themed trivia contest with prizes, Guinness discounts, $7.99 steaks and all hosted by someone named Jimbo.

5. It's a fast-paced world we live in today, and we don't seem to have time to do anything anymore from plant watering to floor resurfacing, it all takes time we don't necessarily have, so we end up giving up the important stuff like meeting the opposite sex because how can you have time to toss your hair and work your smile if you're always late for your next meeting and your iCal doesn't have space for that in your schedule anyway so you have to make time and the best way to maximize the benefits your pheromones provide is to join in an organized event something like Speed Dating at Doyle's that allows you to meet people in less time than it takes to reheat a frozen chicken pot pie - a food you will never have to enjoy alone or at all again if you walk through Doyle's door at 7:30 p.m. because you'll finally have a life. Bring $20 and a smile knowing you're helping HopeSparks charity.

LINK: Thursday, Match 14 arts and entertainment events in the greater Tacoma and Olympia area

VALENTINE'S DAY IN TACOMA >>>

We love Valentine's Day! What a sweet opportunity to love your lovey, or else throw your love on a desired lovey.

Screw Valentine's Day! What a sick opportunity for third-rate corporations (the greeting card people, the chocolate people, the flower people) to guilt the in-love into spending money, or else threaten the out-of-love with feelings of inadequacy and alienation.

We love Valentine's Day! It's the one day when everyone will feel a little loved.

Screw Valentine's Day! No one will feel loved; those who do are fakers - unwilling participants in a cruel-cruel lie.

Ah, Valentine's Day ... it never fails to make schizophrenics of us all. We so want to believe in a day of love, and we so want to rage against the love machine. We so want to eat an entire box of love chocolates, and we so want to gag ourselves with a heart-shaped plastic straw and subsequently spew said chocolates onto something meaningful or expensive.

Thank Gawd the good people at The Swiss understand us. Thank gawd the downtown bar believes in true love. Thank gawd The Swiss knows Valentine's Day is a delicious cake with a creamy arsenic center.

The Swiss will celebrate both sides of love on Valentine's Day. On one side of the expansive bar will stand a Love Wall for those who met at The Swiss and later got married, to pin their wedding photo to it, have dinner and enjoy some bubbly. On the other side of The Swiss will stand the Divorce Shredder for those who met at The Swiss, got divorced and would like to shred their wedding photo. The divorce crowd is also invited to have dinner and enjoy some bubbly.

The Swiss is calling its Feb. 14 night Love Wall, and addition to dinner, bubbly and the memories, Top 40 band VIP Club will rock the party.

While it will be sweet to watch the married couple reminisce and slow dance to a Boyz II Men song, the real action will be on the divorce side, especially once the bubbly kicks in. Bring your cameras for future photo pinnings.

THE SWISS, THURSDAY, FEB. 14, 8-11 P.M., NO COVER, 1904 JEFFERSON AVE., TACOMA, 253.572.2821

BOOK RELEASE >>>

What story were you told about how babies are born?

This is the question local author Rebecca McCarthy posted on her Facebook page to facilitate a conversation about sex. 

"Out of the mother's tummy, I was puzzled how I got there."

"From a seed of some type."

"The cabbage patch."

"Mom and dad rolled around naked and tickled each other."

"The stork."

These are some of the answers, and a few of the many reasons McCarthy wrote her new book, Writing the Diaphragm Blues & other Sexual Cacophonies. 

McCarthy has organized an online launch party for her book Wednesday, Dec. 12 at noon. Yes, 12-12-12 at 12 p.m. The online launch includes a Google hangout, live streamline from Youtube and Facebook.

There are no barriers on who can be there," she says. "From Mississippi to Japan, all areas can participate."

Choosing to do an online launch is significant to McCarthy because she feels like it's a safe place for people to say what they want. 

"To use social media at that moment in time is important," she says. "We're usually talked at, or we react. It allows woman to talk about these things without feeling unabashed. It's a resource."

The book rolls humor, playwriting, sophistication and science into an accessible book for everyone.

"You can't speak for all woman," says McCarthy, "but can speak about your own experiences and open the door for other woman to speak about theirs."

Rebecca McCarthy is a writer, educator, artist and roller derby skater with Tacoma's Toxic 253 League. She holds a PhD in Comparative Studies from Florida Atlantic University. Her published works include the influential Origins of the Magdalene Laundries: An Analytical History (2010), which traces women's plight in the laundries from the Middle Ages to modernity.

You can also add author of a compelling perspective on modern sexuality.

REVIEW OF HUMP! FILM FESTIVAL >>>

If there's any lingering doubt about the mainstreaming of porn, even low-fi amateur porn, reflect that it launched the highly lucrative careers of a whole coven of Kardashians. We love porn. So while there were some timid faces in the crowd at Olympia's first-ever screening of Hump! last night, there was also an electric, anticipatory vibe. Whatever your taste, there's little chance you were disappointed.

The Hump! anthology of locally-made porn is the brainchild (loinchild?) of Dan Savage, editorial director of The Stranger, author of the syndicated advice column Savage Love, and spiritual leader of the anti-bullying "It Gets Better" project. Hump!'s rules are straightforward: no critters, no minors, no messy bathroom stuff. This leaves a wide-open field for creative expression - so wide, in fact, that it'll be difficult to describe the shorts without transgressing my editor's liberal subject policy. (Heh. I said "shorts.") Let's put it this way: I counted five different bodily fluids, plus a dollop of axle grease.

The first of no less than 27 flicks was a cartoon, Rumpy Pumpy, in which the phrase popularized by Roger Ebert is used to describe a parade of cartoon phalli and clams. (I'm referring to the bivalve. I swear!) What followed was a mixed bag of production values, narrative intents and proclivities. Whatever you're into, there was something to turn you on. There was also something to turn you waaaayyy the hell off. I'm looking at you, Mansmash! ... but only from the corner of my eye. Yikes!

To vote for best in show is to summarize one's sexual preferences. With that in mind, my choice was the very funny Magic Love, in which a straight couple (and, if memory serves, an extremely close friend) is stop-motion animated through a series of good-natured liaisons. I specify straight because gay content was represented in bacchanalian abundance. If that's a problem for you, Hump! will never be your cup of tea. If, however, you want to watch a dominatrix force two Rubenesque young women to eat meringue pies, your desires will be met.

I, on the other hand, preferred Dungeons & Dragons Orgy, in which rolls of a 20-sided die determine who'll pair up (or triple up) with whom. Then there's Dueling Dames, in which two bored women vie for the title of sexual champion, all in the style of a vintage silent movie. The encounter of Alice and Miles is as sultry and polished as a Shakira video. Speaking of which, the program concludes with a music video, the parodic Boyfriend, and it also features a rendition of Peter and the Wolf that'd give Prokofiev the screaming fantods.

I'd be remiss if I didn't praise the surprisingly affecting and empowering Krutch, in which a young woman with a disability entertains herself using one of her crutches. This activity is jarringly intercut with her struggle to get to a bus before it pulls away from the curb. Work like this gives the lie to the narrow-minded notion that all porn is antifeminist or otherwise diminishing. Emcee Lindy West suggests Hump will return to Olympia next year. Judging by last night's audience packed with flushed and appreciative spectators, I suspect they'll be deluged with Thurston county contest submissions.

I know. I said "submissions." Would "entries" have been any better?

CAPITOL THEATER, OLYMPIA FILM FESTIVAL, THROUGH SUNDAY, NOV. 18, $4-$10, 206 FIFTH AVE. SE, OLYMPIA, 360.754.6670

LINK: Olympia Film Festival schedule

REAL STORIES FROM REAL BARTENDERS >>>

I've been a bartender for a long time. I have met countless freaks, jerks, pervs, sweethearts, rockstars and crazies. Even though it's a physically and mentally exhausting job, these are the colorful people that make it all worthwhile. Well, that and the tips.

I'd like to share with you some of my personal experiences behind the bar, along with the stories from some of my fellow bartenders. Each week - under the clever heading of "Behind Bars" - I will dig into my memory bank - and the incident log books that all bars keep - to bring you some of my favorite stories.

Names of bars, bartenders and patrons have been changed or withheld to protect the innocent.

And the not so innocent.

Cheers!

This week...

Caught in the Act, Part 4

"Blow Job"

So, here we are, Part 4 of "Caught in the Act."

In my years of bartending I've caught more than my share of people with their pants down. Pissing their pants, flashing their boners, whatever. This one though, was a blow job in the ladies bathroom.

It was a busy evening. People were racking pool balls, tipping back tall boys and loading the jukebox with un-godly amounts of Judas Priest.

I was ready for a pee break so I made my way to the ladies room. Upon entering, I could hear some serious mouth breathing backed up by guttural groans. The effect sounded like a weird, harmonious underwater mating ritual. It didn't take me long to realize it was sexual. A quick glance under the stall doors where a pair of bare knees, Vans slip-ons and Levis in a heap confirmed my suspicion.

They didn't give a shit that someone had entered their fortress of drunken fellatio. She kept on slobbin' that knob, and he kept on moaning. Part of me could almost have been turned on, but the many nights of mopping up vomit on the very floor this broad's bare knees were, caused a wave of disgust to wash over me.

"Shit. I don't get paid enough for this," I thought, as I banged my way into the empty stall. As I drained my bladder, I hit the palm of my hand on the graffiti-covered wall next to me.

"Take that shit somewhere else!" I hollered.

As I made my way back to the front of the bar, I caught sight of the couple leaving the bathroom. She was digging for a smoke, hair hanging in her face; he was getting high fives and pats on the backs.

I took my place behind the bar and began pouring shots, shrugging off the recent events as just another day behind bars.

Check back next week for more adventures! Cheers!

LINK: Caught in the Act, Part 1 

LINK: Caught in the Act, Part 2

LINK: Caught in the Act, Part 3

LINK: Past Behind Bars columns

HELP US FIND THE SEXIEST PEOPLE IN THE SOUTH SOUND >>>

Once again, the Weekly Volcano is unleashing The Sexy Issue, giving one and all the chance to gaze at the sexiest people in the South Sound - as voted on by all of you, our dear readers. The great thing about the Volcano's annual Sexy Issue, if we do say so ourselves, is how it manages to prove, year after year, that you don't have to be on a Kia Super Bowl ad to be smoking hot. Our annual Sexy Issue is the Weekly Volcano's way of showcasing the South Sound's sexiest denizens - and by denizens we don't mean celebrities; we're talking about regular dudes and dudettes who just happen to look sexy as hell when taking us on test drives, trimming our meat or brewing our beer. These folks can be just as hot - and a hell of a lot more accessible, theoretically - as anyone you typically see on TV and in magazines. 

This year, we are asking you to nominate the person who makes you all hot and bothered in the following categories: Actor/Actress, Artist, Brewer, Karaoke Host, Lead singer, Lawyer, Butcher, Car Salesperson, Blogger and Personal Trainer.

On Thursday, June 7, the Weekly Volcano will publish The Sexy Issue, immortalizing the sexy, chosen few forever.

Help us find them.

Voting ends May 11 at 5 p.m. - so help the Weekly Volcano find the South Sound's hottest citizens. Vote today!

Vote for the South Sound's sexiest people

DID SHE LIKE IT? >>>

As a fresh-faced co-ed, sometimes you just need action. You can't blame it on puberty now, but why should you? You're a free adult.

That cute brunette from Environmental Studies is standing outside RiekeScience Center. You say, "Hello." You are a language and literature major, and she asks if Dostoevsky is a brand of vodka. But she's close. Right?

Hooking up doesn't require common interests or even the same IQ range. It does require you to be responsible. Planned Parenthood of the Great Northwest wants you wake up the next morning smelling like flowers, not stinking of treachery. The organization has built a new website www.WhereDidYouWearIt.com, dedicated to promoting safe sex and normalizing condom use.  

Last week as part of National Condom Week, PPGNW distributed 55,000 condoms to Northwest community colleges and universities, including Green River Community College, Pacific Lutheran University, Pierce College - Puyallup, Tacoma Community College, The Evergreen State College and the University of Washington - Tacoma campus. The condoms include a QR code that directed users to its website that - similar to other geo-location services like Foursquare or Facebook Places - allow someone to "check-in" their safe sex activity. 

You should "check-in" with www.wheredidyouwearit.com after you hook up with Miss Green, but don't be surprised if you are not the Mayor.

WHAT WE HAVE FOUND TODAY >>>

Tacoma School District: Deputy Superintendent Carla Santorno is being groomed. (News Tribune)

"Do That To Me One More Time": TCC music instructor convinced high school girl she could improve her singing by getting herself sexually aroused. www.thenewstribune.com/2011/10/13/1863929/teen-accuses-instructor-of-using.html#ixzz1alzxNcV5" target="_blank">(News Tribune)

Eat This Bank Of America: Credit union pays you to use your debit card. (Main Street)

"I Came Into This World As A Reject": Fred Durst from Limp Bizkit has signed a TV deal to star in a CBS comedy. (Deadline)

Radiohead: Headed into the studio this winter. (NME)

The Mummy Is So 1990s: Welcome to Slutoween. (Jazebel)

Ronly For The Rweak: Taiwanese death metal. (NPR)

Cool: Mixtape of the lost decade. (boingboing)

Wedgie!

Keep your eye on the ball today:

ADVICE GODDESS RADIO >>>

Nationally syndicated advice columnist and author Amy Alkon (I See Rude People) graces more than 100 newspapers across the U.S., including your beloved Weekly Volcano. Apparently her Advice Goddess column is going global. Alkon will now take your questions and advice requests and bat around issues on love, dating, sex, relationships and manners from 7-8 p.m. every Sunday on her new Internet call-in advice radio show.

You may call Advice Goddess Radio live Sunday at 347.326.9761.

You may listen at this link starting at 7 p.m. Pacific Time Sunday.

There will also be a podcast you can download later here.

LINK: Read her columns

THE POLLS ARE NOW OPEN >>>

Spring is in the air.

This means lust is in the air - and in the pages of the Weekly Volcano.

Once again, the Volcano is unleashing The Sexy Issue, giving one and all the chance to gaze at the sexiest people in the South Sound - as voted on by all of you, our dear readers.

Our annual celebration of the flesh, The Sex Issue is the Weekly Volcano's way of showcasing the South Sound's sexiest denizens - and by denizens we don't mean celebrities; we're talking about regular dudes and dudettes who just happen to look sexy as hell. Not just cliché sex appeal, of no relation to AXE Deodorant Body Spray campaigns, and certainly much more than mere looks, the Volcano Sexy Issue attempts to answer simple question: What defines sexiness in the South Sound?

This year, we are asking you to nominate the person who makes you all hot and bothered in the following categories: Bartender, Barista, Delivery Person, Real Estate Agent, Athlete, Servicemember, Drummer, Tattoo Artist and Mom.

On Thursday, June 2, the Weekly Volcano will publish The Sexy Issue, immortalizing the sexy, chosen few forever.

Help us find them.

Voting ends May 12 - so help the Weekly Volcano find the South Sound's hottest citizens. Vote today!

Vote for the South Sound's sexiest people (please include where they work):