WHAT WE HAVE FOUND TODAY >>>

Apocalyptic volcano ash could ground flights in Europe through the weekend forcing Scandinavians to return home and pray to Surtr of the Fire-Giants of Musphel, then sing traditional folk songs and decorate their hearths with flower garlands and pat idyllic smiling blond Danish girls in pigtails and scarves and perfect IKEA teeth on the head.

Campus thong thief caught with 79 pairs of teeny-tiny panties just before he was to enter the Weekly Volcano's Signs of Summer photography contest.

Christian music artist Jennifer Knapp comes out of the closet. Yes, that closet. Expect to hear some minuscule and shrill group set aside its agenda of eliminating kissing and dancing and the color fuchsia in American and start pestering the homophobic nutjobs in Congress to put a halt to this horrifying act.

It's Kareem Abdul Jabbar's birthday!

WHAT WE HAVE FOUND TODAY >>>

David Meinert: Chihuly museum is a fine idea for Seattle Center.

There's a new porno mag ... for the blind.

Twitter announced that they will be incorporating ads, "Promoted Tweets," when you search for a sponsored word.

Apple is creating iSpecs to watch 3D films on the go.

BRING ON THE WEEKEND >>>

It's that time again - TGIF. For regular nine-to-fivers, our two short days of freedom are right around the corner.

Friday also means it's time form The Prefunk - a weekly guide to priming you and your liver for two worthy events coming up this weekend... plus an obligatory picture of a household pet getting sauced.

This is what we do; it's why they pay us the big bucks.

Here we go.

THE MISSIONARY POSTION @ Doyle's Public House

Saturday, April 3

Admit it, geek - the name of Jeff Angell's band, The Missionary Position, makes you giggle. Sure, the dirty, modernized, maximum R&B is enough to momentarily take your mind out of its normal, jr. high residence - long enough to make you truly appreciate the originality of the band's slinking rock groove; but it always returns. At the end of the day, you're still the type of person that can't help but grin when the words "The Missionary Position" cross your mind. Tehehehe.

PREFUNK: Draw a warm bath. Light a few of those ultra-romantic candles from Bed, Bath and Bodyworks. Poor a tall class of the nicest $8 wine you have - and open yourself up to the secure and seductive embrace of the The Missionary Position.

Close your eyes, and just do whatever feels natural...

Just make sure to put some goddamned clothes on before heading out to Doyle's.

EASTER

Sunday, April 4

Jesus is coming! Jesus is coming! And he's getting super fit for his return. This Sunday marks the annual return of Big J - and you best be ready. He only does this once a year, sometime between March 22 and April 25 - depending on an equation relying heavily on the Paschal Full Moon. It's very complicated.

PREFUNK: While many would tell you to cleanse your soul of sins or at least put on clean underwear for Big J's annual return - I'm going to take a more hedonistic approach. The last time Big J swung by my pad, he emptied my ‘fridge of Dos Equis and really freaked out the cats. This time I'll be ready. You should be too.

See you next week.

TELL US WHERE WE CAN FIND THE OBJECTS OF YOUR LUST >>>

Tomorrow is the last day to submit your Tacoma crushes for our Tacoma's Most Sexy! Share with us all the babes of the service industry, blue collar hunks and seductive locals you just can't get out of your head. Check out the weekly Volcano's Feb. 25 issue to see if your crush made the cut.

MICHAEL SWAN: HALLOWEEN PARTY AT THE ROBERT DANIEL GALLERY FRIDAY >>>

Dracula. That intensely sexual, seductively amorous icon of male machismo and magnetism - the hypnotic set of eyes hidden beneath the silk top hat, the broad shoulders and refined neck subtly shrouded beneath the sweeping cape, elegant hands that coax a slow simmer from the blood of his prey, silent footsteps, lingering fingers, full lips that teasingly reveal the orgasmic crescendo of long white teeth hidden behind them.

I have complete confidence my Dracula costume will steal all eyes Saturday night at the Erotic, If You Dare Halloween party at The Robert Daniel Gallery. Although, party organizer T-Dub will try his best to shame me. He will install cages and stripper poles and load them up with hot chicks. Then, he'll adorn the gallery's walls with erotic art. Last, he's invited a dominatrix show from San Francisco, the burlesque troupe Fun Police and a couple of DJs.

Titillated yet? You will once you see the eternal he-hunk Michael Swan.

[The Robert Daniel Gallery, Saturday, Oct. 31, 8 p.m., $25, 2501 Fawcett Ave., Tacoma, 425.246.9477]

SUZY STUMP: ENTRANCE DENIED: THE ART OF THE CHASTITY BELT >>>

In the South Sound, female virgins can be a cunning bunch, often confining themselves to family picnics and church potlucks, infrequently venturing beyond the watchful eyes of a guardian or God. But in captivity, especially when gathered at an art gallery hosting a chastity belt show, I imagine they can be quite simple to identify. The prudent business suit (in conservative black or a summery peach); the comfortable flats; no wedding ring; the air of suppressed longing, all are obvious signs of a virgin.

The chastity belt show I speak of opens at Mineral Saturday, July 18. Entrance Denied: the Art of the Chastity Belt is a group show focusing on, well, chastity belts. The show will run through Sept. 5.

Now, talking to said virgins can be a tricky enterprise, requiring both prudence and discretion. Why not practice your virgin conversations on obvious virgins at the show's July 18 opening.

If you spot a virgin by Fisher and Farrell's chastity belt piece above, throw out this line: "I think the fruitful acts associated with sex are best delayed until after a prolonged and binding courtship."

If you spot a virgin by Bill Dawson's chastity belt piece, drop this line: "I find conversation an acceptable substitute for physical intimacy."

These lines can go a long way toward winning their admiration and trust.

[Mineral, Entrance Denied: the Art of the Chastity Belt, July 18-Sept. 5, opening reception Saturday, July 18, 4-8 p.m., 301 Puyallup Ave., Tacoma, 253.250.7745]

CHUCK DULA: RACQUETBALL IS HARD WHEN YOU'RE FAT >>>

Editor's note: As you may recall, Weekly Volcano scribe Chuck Dula recently struck a deal with a bisexual female friend of his. If he can lose 25 pounds by May 1, then said friend - and another female to be determined later - will have a three-way with Mr. Dula. That's what I call inspiration. Chuck will be chronicling his weight loss efforts every Tuesday here on Spew. Below you'll find the latest installment in Chuck's quest to be less fat and have sex with two women at the same time. Enjoy.

Beginning Weight 190

This isn’t so bad. I joined a racquetball league. It turns out that if you spend countless hours playing Magic: The Gathering, Everquest or World of Warcraft all you need is some decent cardio and you can place unforgiving corner shots within the confines of a racquetball court.
Joe Sobek was credited with inventing Racquetball in 1950 when he added a stringed racquet to the game to increase velocity and control. Old Man Winters was credited with wiping all six of the racquetball court’s walls with my ass in about 3 minutes whilst having me run about 3 miles in little 10 foot circles. I am flabbergasted at this sport. It seems to be the only sport where amateurs get better with age like a fine red wine. If, of course, that fine red wine smelled like an outdoor Slayer concert. Also, I don't care who you are, you don't look good in racquetball goggles! Jessica Alba wearing nothing but Mickey Mouse undies and completely covered in whipped cream and diamonds would look completely unattractive wearing these ridiculous spectacles. However, she would look a lot less ridiculous if she had another female with her who was willing to have a threesome with me.

Ending Weight: 187