The rain is whipping down. It's like the inside of a carwash out there, so you and your date decide to keep it inside for the night. You could watch It's the great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown for the 22nd time, but I suggest you snuggle up on the couch with a Halloween classic that features a lot more blood, ripping out of intestinal tracks, and maiming of unnecessarily nude bodies.
In my opinion, you haven't properly celebrated Halloween until you've watched an over-the-top, badly-acted, terribly-scripted, cheaply-made horror flick. I've made it a yearly tradition, and I think you'd be the wiser to do so as well. Here's a countdown of my all-time favorites:
5. Zombie Strippers (2008)
This film's fantastically stupid plot begins when a governmental experiment goes awry and a deadly virus is unleashed. The virus infects the town's local strippers turning them into zombies (Now the title makes sense!). Jenna Jameson stars as the brainy leader of the bunch. (Out of all the films starring Jameson, I'm pretty sure this is the only one where you'll see her reading Nietzsche.) Oh yeah, and there's a ping-pong scene that's about as classy--and frightening-- as a Tijuana donkey show.
4. Killer Klowns From Outer Space (1988)
The film features alien clowns that arrive in a circus tent spaceship. They attack earthlings with cream pies and wrap them in cotton candy cocoons that turn their victims into Jell-O. Need I say more?
3. Street Trash (1987)
Want to see a cop purposefully puking on a mafia hit-man, junkyard bums playing hot-potato with a man's severed penis, along with necrophilia, gang-rape, exploding hobos and other general offensiveness? This one's for you.
2. I Drink Your Blood (1970)
This was the first film to be rated X by the MPAA based solely on violence. This is probably because of the nude Satan worshiping, the rabies-infected zombies, the senior citizens force-fed acid, and the aggravated assault of pregnant women.
1. Idle Hands (1999)
This film, starring Devon Sawa and Seth Green, tells the tale of an ultra-lazy pothead whose right hand becomes possessed by Satan (best plot-line ever!). Before he knows it, his right hand is out of control, causing him to do some pretty bad things, such as brutally murdering his family and friends.
This movie wins for most creative death scenes.