IT HAPPENED SATURDAY IN LAKEWOOD >>>
As if you all didn't already know, I'm incapable of doing two things at once. That is, with the exception of drinking a cold tallboy while inconspicuously checking out a guy's ass, but that's about all I'm good at doing simultaneously (wink, wink).
A prime example might be this past weekend at the Dockyard Derby Dames Season 6 opening bout. It was my debut as an announcer for the DyDD bouts and Holy Toledo, Batman - I was excited!
So excited, in fact, that I hardly paid attention to the bouts.
I mean, at first I tried to jot down the dynamics of the first two jams between The Trampires and Marauding Mollys, but after the initial sounds of hearing my own voice on the loud speaker I was hooked.
Co-announcers Phil Dirt and James T. Jerk assigned me to be a part of the crowd and it was my duty to interact and infiltrate whatever information I could get from spectators. Every other jam, which is approximately every 5 minutes, the dynamic duo would throw my name out there and ask what I was up to.
Naturally, I had a load of fun interacting with the standing room only crowd that packed the Pierce College Health Ed Center this past Saturday night.
The Weekly Volcano Hot Spot located inside the beer garden had injured Femme Fianna, men leaving for Afghanistan, and one of my favorite Femme Fianna OG's, Louda Than Bombs.
Throughout the night I rubbed elbows with the boyfriend of Weekly Volcano's sexiest athlete (Hit O' Honey) and his friend in a purple spandex full-body suit. I even made him knock on his penis area to prove he was wearing a cup.
You see, I was way too busy taking care of very important cup checks and simply could not administer any sort of focus on the Dockyard Derby Dame bout before me.
For this, my dear roller derby fans, I apologize.
I will, however, recap for you the fact that the sound system went out before the first bout began resulting in the National Anthem being sang a cappella (and without speakers) by the talented Harm A. Knee of Hellbound Homewreckers.
Twiggie Smalls surprised the crowd with an impromptu wedding ceremony involving her fiancé, The Henchman. They were both on skates. (Go figure.)
Marauding Mollys definitely got the award for largest fan attendance with Hellbound Homewreckers coming in a close second.
Femme Fianna skated their hearts out with a completely new team. That's right: Fresh Meat.
In the end, one thing I can tell you is that I had a blast getting to know everyone in the crowd and plugging my favorite alternative newsweekly, Weekly Volcano.
If only I could do both things at once. Le sigh.
Anyway, here are the final scores:
Bout 1:
The Trampires - 147
Marauding Mollys - 222
Bout 2:
Femme Fianna - 76
Hellbound Homewreckers - 229