When I think about gambling, for some reason the image of bells ringing and sirens blaring as admirers gather to watch me collect my winnings never quite pops into my head. In my wildest fantasies, I still either end up destitute or out in the alley, getting kicked to death by some hulking casino enforcers. Both of those things can already happen in my life, anyway, without the added hassle of hiking out to the Emerald Queen. Here are some ways spice up your life without worrying that Chili Palmer will come flying in from Miami to brain you.

Gamble with Death

The Seventh Seal - and later, oddly, Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey - taught us that there is no more artful way to express existential ennui than to play a game of chess with the Grim Reaper. If I remember it correctly, I believe Max von Sydow enjoyed a fruitful and leisurely afternoon of parlor games with his hooded friend and everything turned out OK. (Ingmar Bergman must have been a real fun guy!)

But how to apply this to your non-Black-Death-era-Swedish-art-film life? You can't. But! If any of you, my gentle readers, were lonely children, you'll know that quietly playing a game of checkers by yourself is awfully similar to interacting with Death.

Pro-tip: Don't limit yourself to board games! Solo spelling bees are a fun and frivolous way to spend a day or three! Make it interesting by placing a $20 bill on an apple box and then returning it to your wallet by the end of the day. Who knew gambling could be so easy!

Gamble with Your Life

No, I'm not talking about anything as dramatic as Russian roulette (although, if you're into that sort of thing, the knifes-and-fingers game of mumbley-peg has been a favorite of drunks and masochists since time immemorial). I'm talking about activities of personal one-upsmanship like seeing how many lanes of traffic you can dash through before getting squashed like Frogger. If there's one thing I know to be true, it's that nothing bad has ever come from treating your life like a video game.

But don't stop there. Change it up! Once you've healed from your earlier escapades, why not up the ante (gambling term)? I haven't checked, and probably never will, but I have to imagine that the record for most live bees affixed to a human body can't be terribly difficult to break. Bet your luck on making it into some history books!

Gamble with Mysterious and Untrustworthy Transients

This one's pretty self-explanatory, but I'll elaborate, anyway. In the Alfred Hitchcock Presents episode, "Man from the South," Peter Lorre bets Steve McQueen a pretty, green convertible if he can successfully strike his lighter 10 times in a row. If McQueen can't do it, Lorre says, he must relinquish his pinky finger.

Um, YEAH. Get me some of that action! Better yet, double it. Twenty strikes! (Sucker.) Again, my memory's hazy on this, but if Steve McQueen doesn't drive off in that green Cadillac, call me a pinky-less fool.

The lesson here is to ALWAYS accept the challenges of creepy traveling salesmen, and the like. After all, how will you know if there will be terrible consequences to your actions if you don't live a little? And besides, any legit gambler will tell you that it's so worth losing a finger for the opportunity to get behind the wheel of a real cherry like the one Peter Lorre's got.

So, next time some Harry Dean Stanton lookalike slinks into the bar and glowers in the corner, his eyes darting furtively around the room, just hike up your pants, crack your knuckles, throw your friend a smug look and mouth, "I've got this."

Ed. note: Obviously, this is a humorous look at how life is a gamble. To follow in the footsteps of comedian Daniel Tosh, for the love of life the Weekly Volcano doesn't condone such life-threatening activities.