Are you a boy or a girl? It seems like a simple enough question for most people. But what if your gender identity is not so obvious? What if you are transgendered or intersex or a girl with short hair and small breasts who wears gender-neutral clothing? And what if you're an elementary school teacher and it's your students who are asking the question?
Amy Ryken is an educator who has often come face-to-face with this issue. "I've noticed that pre-service teachers are interested in exploring issues of sameness and difference with their students, whether it be gender expression, sexual orientation, race or religion. There are many missed opportunities in public school classrooms to engage young students thinking about identity as it naturally arises in conversation," Ryken says.
Her elementary school students were asking her about her gender, so about a year ago she started recording their conversations, and she turned it into a book titled Are You a Boy or a Girl?: Conversations about Gender in Elementary Classrooms.
Ryken says she is "shooed out of women's restrooms regularly." She says that when she was younger the gender question "really bothered me, now I see it as an educative opportunity. The question can come in very subtle and non-verbal ways - like being stared at up and down, or receiving rolled eye glares, or being given very nervous glances."
Ryken says she wrote the text and sketched out the initial layout for the book in a single weekend and thought she was done. But then she realized there was a lot more to it. She sent the text to colleagues for feedback and consulted with other book artists about pacing and typography. Her partner, artist Holly Senn, took photos of her for inclusion in the book.
One of the hardest parts, she says, is that it feels very personal: "I expose the fact that I'm asked this question all the time and I juxtapose photos of myself with the conversations."
She had doubts, but the feedback she got along the way kept her going. "Every person with whom I shared drafts thanked me for taking this risk and encouraged me to keep developing it."
It's a small book and very simply designed, with simple, straight-forward questions and answers and small pictures of Ryken with short hair and wearing gender-neutral clothing.
Here's a sample conversation from the book (the author identified as "Me"):
Girl: Are you a girl?
Me: Yes I am.
Girl: You are wearing a suit.
Me Yes I am.
Girl: Girls can wear suits?
Me: Yes they can.
Girl: I did not know that. That's neat.
When asked if she has been harassed or discriminated against due to her gender identity Ryken said, "Every single day ... every time I fill out a form that asks about my gender or marital status, every time I'm addressed as ‘sir,' every time someone says ‘faggot' or ‘that's so gay,' I'm reminded that I don't fit some societal expectations held by some people. All of these experiences are hostile. The assumptive, judgmental stares are hostile as well."
Despite the daily discrimination, she remains hopeful. "What matters most to me is that as a society we work to talk across lines that divide us, to really try to engage other perspectives."
For more information on the book contact Amy Ryken at aryken@pugetsound.edu.
Comments for "Boy or a girl" (8)
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Robyn Ochs said on Aug. 03, 2011 at 11:47am
This is such an important topic.
I've heard many stories over the years from college students who have done placements in pre-school and elementary school classrooms. One student cut her hair short mid-semester, prompting all sorts of "girl or boy" conversations.
And people (of all ages) get confused about my wife's gender all the time (short hair, no frills). In fact, last week she supervised and helped with the taking down of a barn that had been damaged in the tornado that recently hit western Massachusetts. She worked with our friend Dan and a volunteer group of high school students. The next day, she heard back from the homeowner (a friend of ours) that the high school students thought the two guys who they had worked on the project were really cool.
Katie said on Aug. 03, 2011 at 12:04pm
This sounds like a great book. One thought though. The fundamental way our brain works is to categorize things into same/different or bucket things alike together. My son is 4.5 yrs old and does this all the time. "Those cars are all red", "All those people over there are girls". He is just trying to understand his world better and I don't think being asked if you are a girl is bad or discriminatory. People are just trying to understand the situation better. It's the judgments and assumptions made based on those categorizations that are discriminatory and unfair. Those are the issues we need to address with our children. So when my son says "All my friends have pink skin" or "brown hair" I say "Yes, they do, that's a great observation. Does that mean they are different from you?” And the answer I am teaching him, is “no, we are all people, it’s just another variation.”
Heather said on Aug. 03, 2011 at 12:28pm
This sounds like a very interesting book. Not having read it, I wonder if it gives helpful lessons for teachers and others to discuss this type of subject. Katie is right. Kids are trying to learn things and they can be very blunt without meaning any harm. They are trying to find out who they are and this helps the process.
Robyn Kelly said on Aug. 04, 2011 at 9:43am
I appreciate the problem Ms. Ryken presented. I would very much like to get a copy of her book, but my email was rejected by the server listed for her in the article. Any suggestions?
Shirley said on Aug. 04, 2011 at 11:41am
Robyn, I have contacted Prof. Ryken on your behalf and sent your website to her. I am sure she will be in touch.
Sanjeev said on Aug. 17, 2011 at 9:06am
Robyn .. here's a direct link to buy ...
Are You a Boy or a Girl? by Amy Ryken in Gay & Lesbian
http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/are-you-a-boy-or-a-girl/15550372
Lori Tuttle said on Aug. 17, 2011 at 10:56am
I have read Amy's book and thought it wonderful. There are children out there who not only have gender identity questions for others but issues of their own. This book allows them to see that differences are both normal and acceptable.
6th grade teacher said on Nov. 19, 2011 at 7:49am
As a 6th grade teacher in an elementary school setting (a middle school grade in most other districts in my state), I was curious to know the problems you've encountered with both parents and administrators the day after you've had these conversation.
In a sue-happy society that seems increasingly divided along political and religious lines, what push-back have you had from those who would argue that you are over-stepping your bounds as a teacher and delving into sexual identity, a topic that is usually regarded as the domain of the parents to discuss with their children (despite recent mandates from some states to specifically and intentionally teach the contribution of LGBT Americans to our society, which would necessarily require a somewhat candid discussion of what LGBT means)?
Having said so, I applaud and admire your courage in challenging the students' understanding of the world around them. Whatever decision they may come to in their teen and adult years, I think it essential that they be exposed - in an age-appropriate way - to the differences that make up our society (and, I would argue, makes it great). As educators, we too often spoon-feed information, but tragically fail to make students critical think about WHY the world is the way it is, WHY they have developed the opinions toward certain issues (or no opinions at all!), and WHY we must continue to take a stand on issues (whatever side they may eventually fall on).
But with such derision in the United States right now along those political and religious line, and especially when considered against the backdrop of negativity regarding teachers, it seems a precarious topic even to attempt to discuss in a classroom, particularly an elementary school one.
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