Stop me if you've heard all this already: Portland, Ore. - just 130-some miles south of Tacoma, and 100 miles south of Olympia - is a mecca of cool. Everyone rides a bike in Portland. Literally. The city has no cars. What it lacks in automobiles is made up for in facial hair. Everyone in Portland has a really cool beard. Literally. Even the chicks.

In Portland, farts smell like organic wheat grass. Everything has a bird on it. A guy who used to be in the Shins will serve you food out of a truck. There's a book store the size of Lacey. Every corner has a coffee shop. Record stores still exist. The PBS channel on TV actually kicks ass. The NBA never left. There's functional public transportation. Maple bar donuts come with bacon on them. And you can drink in strip clubs - of which there are many.

Basically, Portland is the shit. You should totally check it out.

The only trouble is the drive.

The stretch of Interstate 5 between Olympia and the Washington/Oregon border - with Portland sitting just on the other side of the Columbia River - is quite possibly the most miserable stretch of freeway ever created. Never understood how someone can doze off behind the wheel and go careening into an embankment? Try this drive; you'll soon understand, and also appreciate how the embankment could be seen as an upgrade. Sure, Kelso is grand, there's that burger stand about halfway, and you get to go by that crazy Right Wing Uncle Sam billboard in Chehalis - but the drive from Olympia to Portland is enough to zap the life out of anyone. Throw $4 gas into the equation and it just gets messier.

What's the remedy? It's easy. It's this old contraption called "the train."

Amtrak has daily service between Tacoma, Olympia/Lacey and Portland, allowing you the chance to be a "passenger" en route to your hip getaway in Portland rather than an annoyed, depleted, lonely driver. If you're not on an ultra tight schedule (read: you can afford a delay or two waiting for the train to show up, because it's par for the course with this mode of transportation), Amtrak seems to have just about every other amenity covered ... for what becomes a more reasonable price every day, considering the trajectory of gas prices. WiFi? The train has it. Cushy seats? Check. Killer views? Word up. Hot dogs and cocktails at the ready? Of course. Once they've tried the train to Portland, most discerning travelers never go back.

So you've taken the train to Portland - what now?

While a complete list of possible activities and hipster adventures would be impossible to provide in such a small space, here are a few winning ideas to get you started:

Ride the TriMet's MAX (Metropolitan Area Express) Light Rail. Marvel at its design and functionality. See the ease with which people are moved. Hold onto a handrail around turns. Better yet, do all of this for free downtown. Now, wonder why other cities can't make it this easy. ...

Check out Portland's stable of awesome McMenamins locales. Personal favorites include the Kennedy School (love the Detention Bar), the Bagdad Theater and Pub, the Mission Theater and the St. Johns Theater - all of which offer cheap movies and booze at the same time! It's revolutionary.

It almost goes without saying at this point, but you're foolish if you hit Portland without making a stop at Powell's Books, accurately billed as "the largest independent used and new bookstore in the world." It's rad.

Get out of downtown by visiting the Alberta Street neighborhood and the Hawthorne district - both east of the river. Get a taste of how Portland really lives, and be impressed by the number of leftist bumper stickers encountered. If driving, please be cognizant of those on bikes. There's no faster way to get driven out of Portland by a frothing lynch mob than to smack into a hipster on his 12-speed in your Tahoe.

Ride the big silver gondola thing that passes over I-5 just south of downtown. Designed to connect two campuses of the Oregon Health and Science University (OHSU), one on the bank of the Willamette River and one on Marquam Hill, it looks like a big, futuristic ski lift but it's also an inexpensive chance at one of the best views in the city. It's open to the public, and (shocking!) can be reached by riding the MAX.

Eat delicious food from one of the gazillion food carts the City of Portland allows to inhabit downtown. You can do this after a night of drinking or simply on an afternoon whim, but the important thing is that you do it.

Now that you know a few things to do in Portland, and how to get there, the rest is on you. Go forth and be hip.

BADGES EARNED: Fair Trade Coffee, Public Transportation, Sales Tax Dodging, Food From Trucks