>>> Best Total Disgrace To Our City
Northwest Detention Center
It’s still there. Just in case you allowed yourself the luxury of forgetting. The Northwest Detention Center is still a private prison for immigrants run by Florida-based GEO Group. Didn’t President Obama fix all that? Hell no. In fact, the place has gotten bigger.  In case you hadn’t heard, an independent report from human rights organization One America cataloged a range of downright disgusting human rights abuses occurring there. Here’s an idea. Since city officials can’t shut it down, how about using eminent domain laws to force it to move? Don’t we need a composting facility or something else down there? — Paul Schrag

>>> Best Free Advertising
Frost Park Chalk Off
The Frost Park Chalk Challenge is into its third year. It’s spawned prizes, parties and a secret society of cartoonists. Trends in the art have run from bright colors to vertical surfaces to drawing monkeys. This year, however, artists have been leaning toward another use: advertising. At a loss for ideas, James Stowe offered up his skills, and Comic Book Ink ended up with a wall-sized chalk billboard just in time for the Daffodil Parade. Further endorsements have appeared for local publisher Creator’s Edge Press and the Dockyard Derby Dames. So if you want some good exposure, downtown and online, here’s some advice: make friends with a chalker. Ninth and Pacific Avenue, Tacoma — Joe Izenman

>>> Best Tattoo Of A Huge Wiener
Chris Miller (aka Trashcan)
Just when I thought I had seen all of Tacoma’s huge wieners, along comes Chris Miller, owner of The Red Hot.  Like a well-seasoned veteran pole dancer, Miller just lets it all hang out.  Every time he goes to pour one of his unique beers on tap, anyone within view can see his wiener in all its glory.  Take a gander yourself. I’ll even tell you where to look: keep your eyes above the belt and focus on the forearm. Size does matter. — Steph DeRosa

>>> Best Professional Drunk
Cecil Leading Horse
If you’ve spent much time downtown, you’ve undoubtedly noticed some recurring characters on the streets. My favorite is Cecil Leading Horse, the pride of Tacoma. Armed with a walker (used to be crutches), Leading Horse works his way around downtown in a constant drunken stupor. As of 2001, he had cost the city of Tacoma an estimated $2.1 million in ambulance fees, hospital stays and so on. To me, though, he’s the guy that collapsed twice in the span of a week or two at The Grand Cinema, where I worked at the time. Leading Horse, I salute you. May your walker transform into a Rascal scooter. — Rev. Adam McKinney

>>> Best Team Event In Downtown Tacoma
Tap into Tacoma
One phrase says it all: Often imitated, never duplicated. Yeah, that’s right, I just pilfered a slogan from my ex’s 1992 “No Fear” T-shirt. Other items pilfered were a lanyard, a map of Tacoma and one green rubber band. Coincidentally, those were some of the exact items needed in the BEST scavenger hunt/team event in Tacoma: Tap into Tacoma.

Finishing the race with my team that day was as exhilarating as I imagine landing on the moon would be. The memory of it all, the time and energy spent, the fun had and the obnoxious Facebook pictures afterward were priceless on all counts.  I don’t want to encourage you to participate, because you’d only be more competition for me, but it really is the most fun my friends and I have had in a LONG time. — SD

>>> Best Zine
VEX
When I heard the news, that Vex-10, Winter 2010 had said I fucked horses, and Daniel Blue had pictures, and that’s why the Volcano has covered Motopony so much, well, it was a truly crowning moment. It was like I’d finally made it, only with extreme bestiality thrown in for good measure. For those unfamiliar, Vex is one of the best zines out there — and I’m not just saying that because I’m afraid they’ll write something about me fucking horses if I don’t. That’s already happened, after all. No, rather, Vex is ACTUALLY pretty awesome. Of course, much of the premise for their the Volcano-is-a-total-fraud-and-in-bed-with-Daniel Blue story was a bit misguided, and I could probably provide some clarification were I ever to sit down with the anonymous bylines behind Vex in between giving goats handjobs, but what the hell? Finding Vex around town (at Puget Sound Pizza or The New Frontier) is the kind of dirt-under-the-fingernails stuff that proves Tacoma really is harboring a fiercely independent arts and music scene. If having Vex around means they out my love for farm sex, so be it. Now excuse me while I head back to Enumclaw. — MD 

>>> Best Sidekick
Bandito Betty
Since the day I met her in April of 2007, Bandito Betty has been at my side for just about every ounce of trouble I’ve run into. She’s driven my inebriated ass around, filmed me as I fell to injury (no, that’s OK, don’t get up and help me, just keep filming), allowed me to film her as she fell to injury (payback’s a bitch), jumped in footed holiday-themed pajamas in front of just about every Tacoma landmark, and protected me from drunken bar patrons as they begin their “I have a story you should write about” diatribes. Nothing justifies the price of having a sidekick more than having someone at your side to weed out all the stupid people. Now, after establishing a sidekick in my life, all I need is some cool theme music. I’m thinking the theme from Barbarella would do the trick. — SD

>>> Best Amateur Pole-dancing
Kamel Toe Bar and Pub
Have an aversion to pasties and dangerously high heels? You don’t have to be a “professional” to work any of the poles at the rock club Kamel Toe Bar and Pub on the edge of Spanaway. It’s kind of hot when the bass player’s wife grinds it out in front of the Wednesday open rock jam. However, I’ve seen dudes try their hand (and other extremities) on the pole — seriously, there’s nothing more wrong to watch than that.14422 Pacific Ave. S., Tacoma, 253.536.1533 — Michael Swan

>>> Best Hair Color In A Purple Building That Also Holds Kick-Ass Art Shows
Embellish Multispace Salon
If you’re going to rock in Grit City, you better have some damn sexy hair. Known for their styling-and-coloring chops, not to mention the big purple building, Go Local ethos, art shows and breathing life into an alley long reserved for far seedier affairs than faux-hawks and tricked-out hair highlights, Patricia Lecy-Davis’ Embellish Multispace Salon is (as the name implies) a vehicle of multiple purposes in Tacoma, and all of them are awesome. Whether you’re looking for a haircut or not, all Tacomans should know of Embellish. 1121 Court D, Tacoma, 253.752.8144 — MD

>>> Best City Council Hair
David Boe
The Tacoma City Council had needed a shot in the arm for a long time. Maybe it still does? Wherever you stand, the council’s all-around street cred and Mr. Clean tough guy persona got a serious boost with the addition of the rough and tumble architectural mind of David Boe — and most specifically his Telly Savalas head-shine. Think The Traveller’s going to act a fool when Boe gives him a death glare from the bench — telepathically communicating through grimace and razor burn that one more open-legged peep show may result in a pummeling outside on Antique Row, and not only would Boe relish the chance to deliver it, but also design a public, mixed-use structure to commemorate said pummeling? I think not. —MD