I feel like a queen when I hit Westport city limits. Besides a few random locals and most visitors, I'm practically the only one there with all my teeth. Folklore has it that hillbillies and squanderers make up the majority of Westport's inhabitants, so when out-of-towners like myself infiltrate it's like a Hollywood star has arrived.

Even the homeless man riding his bike while carrying a mop and broom in his front basket will stop and roll out the red carpet. "I'll wash all your windows for 30 bucks," he offers me with the welcoming sincerity only an addict can exude. 

One of the three Westport police officers is sometimes on duty as I enter the city limits, and I've even been lucky enough to be in the local newspaper. Never mind that I'm talking about the weekly police blotter that's posted on page three, it's that they're concerned about my whereabouts that makes me feel so important.

People have approached me asking, "How may someone like myself have a luxurious Steph DeRosa-style summer weekend in Westport?" Mainly it's just my mom asking, who is currently exhibiting early onset dementia, but I figured Weekly Volcano readers might also like to know. 

So I've created a personalized Steph DeRosa step-by-step list to underground Westport dos and don'ts:

As you enter Westport, stop into Brady's Oysters and tell them you know me. If they don't kick you out immediately, you're in luck. Proceed to buy the freshest and most reasonably priced fish in town. The calamari salad is especially delish.

On the way to your hotel room, remember that you forgot to make reservations for a hotel room and panic. Find the pocket of Westport with cell service and immediately call for accommodations.

For entertainment, a night of fun at Viking Bowl is a must. Family owned, very retro, cold beer - three things that will hook you in for sure. 

The next day's hangover demands a remedy of shopping, ice cream and candy out on the marina. Bring your dog as this town is very pet-friendly, plus it gives you an excuse to hit on hot dudes/chicks with their dogs in tow.

Dine at Bennett's Fish Shack by the docks. I recommend the crab sandwich, but really everything on their 10-item menu is fantastic.

Refuse to believe the "Best Bloody Mary" restaurant hype and head to the liquor store to make your own. Next door is a pharmacy/dollar store with a huge talking bird that greets you upon entry. Don't stick your finger in the cage. Just don't.

For a light evening of live music and draft beer, take a seat inside Mermaid Deli.

Dive bars, surf shops, taffy, beach combing, bike riding, kite flying, hot surfer watching, clam digs and fishing and lighthouse tours are just a few of the options awaiting you during a Steph DeRosa weekend in Westport.

DETAILS: The "official" Westport website is at www.ci.westport.wa.us.

BADGES EARNED: Teeth Showoff, DIY Bloody Mary, Fish Eating, Police Blotter Fame