Summer's not a time for curmudgeons, especially in the Pacific Northwest. Those three precious months of sunshine are there to pack our pale population with as much vitamin D as necessary to sustain us through the long slog of low clouds. As such, talking smack about the season is generally looked down upon. Unfortunately, I am an unrepentant curmudgeon and, as such, am firmly anti-summer - this in addition to being against all holidays except maybe Thanksgiving, provided nobody throws a dish at the wall, American Beauty style.

I've even gone so far as to write an entire guide on where to find places to drink in the cool darkness of bars without patios. However, even though it pains me to do so, I have made a concerted effort to spend more time in the sun, sweaty armpits be damned. My therapist tells me that it's "healthy" or something, so I thought I'd give it a whirl. For any other sun-averse people out there, I thought I'd assemble a selection of places for you to go that won't immediately have you longing for October.

Point Defiance

That dumb park is a no-brainer, but it's the best place to start if you want to ween yourself into actually enjoying being outside. There's even nature and junk, so bonus points for that, I guess. The Five Mile Drive is the mecca for fearless raccoons and absolutely fearful stoners, so a cruise through there in your vehicle of choice is the way to slowly reintroduce yourself to the wild and all of the variables that entails. Along the way, you'll spot awkward company picnics, couples fervently making out in cars, the eerily decrepit remnants of the abandoned Never Never Land, and the general realization that all of those bikers and hikers actually chose to be here - which, weird.

Owen Beach is some next-level outdoors shenanigans, and it's easy to get lost in the sea of frisbees and beach blankets. The rocky ground will remind you that there are much more palatable beaches out there, but you chose to live in Tacoma, so deal with it. Having spent your requisite time in the sun, make your way to one of the nearby bars and count your blessings that a giant squid didn't get you.

Rock the Dock

If I'm being honest, one of my favorite moments from the past few summers did involve sitting on a patio in the sun. Rock the Dock is a modest bar, but it boasts one of the best patios in Tacoma, situated right on the Puget Sound. If drinking can be said to do anything, besides getting you drunk, it makes the oppressive climate change weather much more workable, and its combination with gazing at the serene waters and the dingy houseboats more satisfying than any people-watching could possibly be.

Drinking wine with a straw, whiling away the hours on a dock in gorgeously industrial downtown Tacoma is the best of both worlds: definitely outdoors (so get off my ass), but firmly urban. This is Tacoma at its best, with its bucolic loveliness and its gritty charm blissfully intertwined. It's almost enough to make you forgive the sun for constantly trying to kill us.

Beer League Baseball

When I was a kid, I played baseball in the intersection in front of my house. I was a pitcher, and I was OK at it, but that all came to a stop when the batter hit the ball, which proceeded to bounce off the ground and hit me square in the nose. I then retired from baseball, until last summer, when I was at bat and the ball hit me square in the nuts, like some dumb Mad TV sketch.

My hand-eye coordination is not optimal, is what I'm saying.

Still, the allure of getting a gaggle of friends out on a field and practicing America's pastime remains fairly strong. This urge is increased with the introduction of the magic of drinking and playing sports. At the same time! Who knew? Not only will a healthy amount of beer increase your chances of wanting to play a sport in the first place, it also functions as the great equalizer. Not good at baseball? No one is! We're all drunk!

Softball is the preferable variant, though, as the grapefruit-sized ball is statistically less likely to make it past your blind spot and maim you. Not good at running? Stay in the outfield with your beverage. The odds of anyone hitting the ball that far are witheringly low. If, by some miracle, the ball is heading your way, do your best to swat it out of the air with your glove and proceed to take a nap.

Summer? Take my life? Not today. But someday soon.