As I look out my office window, I'm charmed by the rustling trajectories of fallen leaves, cooled by scudding gusts of wind that promise autumn rain - oh, wait! No, I'm not! It's 80 degrees outside! We start writing the Fall Arts Guide in August! Such is the life of an alt-weekly writer, my near-future friend. I plan ahead so you don't have to.

If it weren't for the Fall Arts Preview, for example, you might not be ready to take advantage of the stellar offerings at the Broadway Center for the Performing Arts. Be honest: you didn't know Brian Regan was coming to town Sept. 20, now, did you? You've heard him a million times on Pandora Comedy! He's the comic's comic, for freak's sake! You also have just enough time to book an evening with reedy-voiced travel guru Rick Steves on Sept. 22. Then get ready for an annual Double Shot Fest of plays that go from pen to production in 24 hours; catch those the weekend of Sept. 28. It took 40 years, but The Acting Company, founded by the late, great John Houseman, finally feels ready to take on the melancholy Dane. Hamlet runs the weekend of Oct. 25. Halloween weekend brings a comic summary of all seven of J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter adventures, plus the tear-wrenchingly operatic singer-songwriter Rufus Wainwright. My wife treated us to Green Day's American Idiot tickets last summer; now it's your turn as the energetic jukebox show returns November 20. Three nights later, Lyle Lovett shares a countrified acoustic bill with John Hiatt.

Meanwhile, down south at the Washington Center for the Performing Arts in Olympia, Rob Becker's one-man comedy extravaganza Defending the Caveman runs Oct. 25 and 26. While it may seem passé to note there are psychological differences between men and women, Becker's observations have been funny enough to merit productions in 30 countries, including 674 performances on Broadway. Rufus Wainwright also plays the Washington Center, the night of Oct. 29. The impressively-eyebrowed Garrison Keillor, he of Lake Wobegon, Minnesota, reminds us all his prairie-adjacent hometown's women are strong, its men all good-looking, and its children above average Nov. 21. If you're a fan of Randal Kleiser's 1978 movie adaptation of Grease, get ready for a sing-along screening Dec. 1. Personally, I croon a mean "Hopelessly Devoted to You," which makes other people uncomfortable on Karaoke Nites.

Speaking of crooners, Mr. WAYNE EFFING NEWTON is coming to Little Creek Casino near Shelton Oct. 27. That's like ... how can I put this?... it's like ... OK, it's like WAYNE NEWTON played a casino near SHELTON. Can I make it any clearer? It's like you opened your front door and Vegas was standing there, asking to borrow some sugar.  "Here's your sugar, Mr. Las Vegas." "Danke schoen!"

As if that weren't enough of a panty-dropper, New Jersey's leonine rock stalwarts Bon Jovi ride their steel horses to the Tacoma Dome Oct. 5. After howling along with "Livin' on a Prayer," atone for your blasphemy by paying homage to living legend Loretta Lynn at the Emerald Queen Casino Oct. 17. Emerald Queen hosts your dad's favorite comedian, Tim Allen, two weeks later (I'm gonna go out on a limb here and predict there'll be grunting) and Alice Cooper welcomes you to its nightmare a month after that. Yes, I said its. Did you know Alice Cooper is really the name of the band? Well, now you do. The band's inexplicably-lifelike singer's name is Vincent Furnier. MC Hammer, who plays the Queen Nov. 23, was born Stanley Burrell. Go, Stanley! Get busy! It doesn't have quite the same 2-legit ring to it, now, does it?

Should your taste in music run even more, shall we say, old school, may we suggest the fall presentation of Tacoma Opera? That show, Gilbert and Sullivan's bombastic Pirates of Penzance, runs Oct. 25 and 27. Would you believe tickets start at only $28? I've previewed local theater offerings elsewhere, but fall highlights in Tacoma include Les Miz at Tacoma Musical Playhouse (opening Oct. 18), a lush production of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice at Lakewood Playhouse (Nov. 8), and a spooky night of Irish ghost stories, The Weir at Tacoma Little Theatre (also Nov. 8). In Olympia, I'm psyched for Henry V at Harlequin (Oct. 3) - "Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more!" - and, despite its insignificant budget, an anthology of original short scenes, Improbable Peck of Plays II at the Midnight Sun. (Oct. 11). While the scale and polish of these shows will be polar opposites, they each represent a chance to say something brainy and heartfelt. For my money, that's when theater is at its absolute best, no matter how pricey the ticket.

If live theater isn't your bag, The Grand Cinema hosts the Tacoma Film Festival Oct. 3 through 10. Among the movies screening this year: Matt Vancil's The Gamers: Hands of Fate, a sequel to fan fave The Gamers: Dorkness Rising. If you're unfamiliar with Vancil's RPG parodies, they feature, well, gamers. Who rise. OK, trust us, they're a lot of fun ... though not as fun, perhaps, as amateur porn festival Hump!, which seems likely to return to Olympia's Capitol Theater this November after a full and, dare we say, overcome audience last year. In other naughty Olympia news, Rock Candy Burlesque troupe doffs its duds for your delectation Oct. 18 and 19, and Tush! Burlesque follows with a show in November.

From twirling tassels to the soaring champions of Gryffindor House, autumn 2013 offers something for every taste and age group. Plus it's the return of coffee season! So don't let a single drop of that sweet, sweet caffeinated nectar go to waste-get out there and savor the multifaceted cultural offerings of the South Sound. They deserve your patronage, and you deserve the blessings of one of the most arts-rich regions in these United States.

See Also

2013-2014 Tacoma and Lakewood Theater Season

2013-2014 Olympia Theater Season