In the third-grade, the students in my class were instructed to get each and every classmate a Valentine's Day card - usually something with Batman and Robin or the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on it, along with a little pun. Nothing too intense. After all of the cards were distributed and read, a helper walked along the rows of the class with a trash bin, accepting the discarded envelopes and wrappers. When she got to my desk, I took one arm and swept every single card of mine into the trash.

The gasps said it all. I wasn't intending to make a statement, it was just that I'd read all of these cards from kids I barely knew, and that I was done with them. Why would I be emotionally attached to trash I got from strangers?

Look, a lot has been said - bitterly and repeatedly - about Valentine's Day by people like myself. Needless to say, it's an embarrassment of a holiday. We all know this. It is simultaneously a social mandate and an exclusionary event. It's a holiday that says, "If you're in a relationship, you're stuck celebrating me; if you're alone, well, I dunno, cut it out, loser."

When we were devising this article, it didn't occur to me that the fellow writers I would be turning to for Valentine's Day stories were all happily married. Once more, I find myself left out of the festivities due to my status as a loveless freak.

If I wanted to stretch my elementary school story into something resembling a suitable metaphor, I could say something about how if I could just learn not to sweep the cards away, maybe I wouldn't be alone this Feb. 14.

But fuck that. Here, now, are some romantic stories from some fellow Weekly Volcano scribes (the married bastards).

The Date That Cost a Fortune

It all started when I was driving home from Seattle with my bestie. We pulled over at some rinky-dink diner on the side of I-5 for lunch. The place was full of blue-hairs, the sandwiches were a little chewy and the décor was that of a hospital cafeteria. But, they did have a claw machine. You know, those rip-off machines that reward you with a stuffed animal if you can position a three-pronged grabber over an impossibly wedged-in toy.

Well, I had just started dating this really hot guy, and I have a competitive streak, so I had my eye on a red stuffed bear with devil horns and handcuffs. I wanted to give it to him on Valentine's Day, which was just around the corner.

So I pumped in dollar after dollar, losing my grasp each time, until I finally grabbed its horny little head. Little stinker cost $52.

And I thought that was expensive.

Well, I ended up marrying that hot guy, and I keep pumping out money! House payments, doctor bills, vacations, beer. And, we had two kids - field trips, lunch money, babysitters, etc.

Turns out, that date cost me a damn fortune. - Nikki McCoy

Old Marrieds Tell It Like It Is

Rick, my husband of more than 20 years, and I are not a Valentine's couple.

Here's a recent text conversation:

Kim: We suck at Valentine's Day

Rick: Ha! What are you talking about?

Kim: We never do anything about it

Rick: That's because we're rule breakers

Kim: What do u mean?

Rick: We don't do stuff just because everyone else is doing it

Kim: Have I ever got you anything for V-day?

Rick: No

Rick: hey! remember I bought us plane tickets to somewhere a couple of years ago on Vday? And took u out to dinner too!?!?

Kim: right! why did you do that?

Rick: a pattern was forming and I was uncomfortable of NOT doing something on Vday so I broke the rule

Kim: U wanna gift this year?

Rick: Nah

- Kim Thompson

Carv's Dating History

I could start with the first date who announced she was adamantly pro-life before we finished our salad course, or the woman who got knocked up by my roommate. I could tell you about the winner who asked if she could borrow my phone, then used it to call another guy to come pick her up, or the TWO times I got dumped on Valentine's Day. So many choices ... Oh, wait! I think I'll tell you about one of my long-distance relationships. We were apart on the Fourth of July. Shortly thereafter, I discovered a blog entry in which some dude wrote about the "crazy monkey sex" he overheard my soon-to-be-former-girlfriend having that afternoon. Ah, l'amour! - Christian Carvajal

See Also

Hipster's guide to love on Valentine's Day