In order to write the definitive all-Tacoma bowling guide, I visited six local alleys in a stretch of barely 24 hours, a weird and wondrous saga that showed me a new side of Tacoma and myself and from which I am still recovering. Next time we run into each other at the bar, I’ll tell you all about it — whether you ask or not. But right now, we have to talk some bowling.

Bowling is changing. Along with everything else, I know. Today’s bowling alley is called a “bowling center.” It is an entertainment smorgasbord. No longer are we content just to bowl, eat fries and suck suds. We also must shoot pool, throw darts, gamble, watch television, play pinball, and perhaps golf. Big bowling centers, of which Tacoma has several, are like airports, malls and multiplex theatres; they are alternate universes with manufactured light and air and a strange artificial society that begins and ends at the big glass doors. But, that being said, they are also confoundingly and wonderfully homey. No amount of digitization, Formica and disco lighting can expel the “alley” from the “center.”  The old farts in suspenders still arrive every morning. The décor — despite all efforts, or because of them — remains delightfully tacky. The gleaming lanes, the colorful balls and the silly shoes endure.

But not all bowling centers are big and garish. Some, called “boutique centers,” are intimate and even tasteful. Chalet Bowl in (where else?) Proctor is a good example.  Billy Frederick, Chalet’s young owner, told me that Washington’s oldest bowling venue will soon host a wedding reception, which will be catered by neighboring wine bar Pour at Four. Chalet Bowl also hosts business meetings, using the flat-screen scoring monitors to show PowerPoint presentations. But the crew still runs things from that funky, shingled shack in the back. And they still sell nachos. And rolling a turkey makes even Modern Man dance.

So get your ass out and bowl. Doesn’t really matter where to tell you the truth — all are fun and affordable. Still, each has its own personality. These rankings, based on my highly erratic scores — a method at least as scientific as eenie meenie — are your road map.  

Pacific Lanes Bowling Center

My score: 167
All you need to know about Pacific Lanes is this: two bars. That’s right, all your bar hopping needs right there under one roof. The North Pacific Ultra Lounge is the quieter, classier of the two, while the South Pacific Sports Bar has a rowdier rep. I asked co-owner Tim Brunner if the arrangement was designed to reflect the North-South dichotomy in Tacoma, or, for that matter, the nation. I believe his exact reply was, “Um.” I was pleased to discover and quick to order Kokanee on draft — a favorite east of the mountains, but a rarity, sadly, in T-town. With some of the best beer and drink prices in town, you can’t go wrong at Pacific Lanes. And did I mention you can bowl there?
[7015 South D Street, Tacoma, 253.474.0594, www. pacificlanes.net]

Paradise Village Bowl

My score: 159
In my experience, places billing themselves as paradises very seldom are, unless paradise to you means mosquitoes, strippers with cellulite or a vibrating bed by the interstate. So I was pleased to encounter none of these things at Paradise Village Bowl in Parkland. Instead I encountered a super friendly staff and a modern facility with all of the requisites: 32 lanes, arcade, restaurant, lounge, banquet room, nine million different kinds of pull tabs, etc. It’s not quite as sexy as its sister center, Bowlero, but scoring’s easy. I speak from experience.
[12505 Pacific Ave. S., Tacoma/Parkland, 253.537.6012, www.bowlparadise.net]

Narrows Plaza Bowl

My score: 116
Narrows Plaza Bowl is as close to posh as bowling gets. On a hotel scale, it falls somewhere in-between La Quinta and Hotel Murano. Best Western, let’s say. Like Bowlero and Chalet Bowl, it features fancy flat-screen scorers with extra screens for ESPN. (I’m thinking Big Lebowski night.) And with 40 lanes, it’s the biggest alley in town. My favorite feature, though, is the mural. Tucked in the back by the first-rate Good Times Lounge, the utterly incongruous picture of singing and dancing hippies shows that not even the slick Narrows Plaza is immune to the self-ironic flourishes that forever render bowling alleys kitsch. In a good way.
[2200 Mildred St. W., University Place, 253.565. 1007, www.npbowl.com]

Bowlero Lanes

My score: 115
Weekly Volcano boss Pappi Swarner agreed to let me write this story only on the condition that I check out Bowlero in Lakewood. Just driving up I knew immediately why: like our beloved Pappi, hardly the “bowling guy” type, Bowlero has some serious style. With its California Modern architecture and super spiffy decor, no other alley can touch it for cool.  Big, bright, clean and contemporary, Bowlero features 32 lanes, pool tables, a crazy arcade, a restaurant, and a lounge. And, speaking of cool, let’s not forget the Omaha Room, where cool is the rule as serious poker is played day and night (and morning, as I witnessed), just like in Omaha. Omaha? I have no idea.
[3852 Steilacoom Blvd. S.W., Lakewood, 253.584. 0212, www.bowlerolanes.net]

Chalet Bowl

My score: 95
At just 12 lanes (call ahead to reserve one), Proctor’s Chalet Bowl is by far the cutest, littlest alley in T-town — a perfect fit for cute little Proctor. (And, I suppose, my cute little score.) Hosting around 350 birthday parties a year, it’s a true family favorite. Within walking distance of my house, I’ll definitely bring the runts by for Kids Bowl Free — a program through which local alleys offer two free games to every child every day, all summer long. To register and learn more, visit www.kidsbowlfree.com.
[3806 N. 26th St., Tacoma, 253.752.5200, www. chaletbowl.com]

Tower Lanes

My score: 88   
With an atmosphere wobbling somewhere between retro and nouveau, this Sixth Avenue landmark combines bowling with mini-golf the way a Krispy Kreme burger combines ground beef with donuts. One word: genius. While the outside could use a squirt of BOTOX, the owners have done a nice job updating indoors. Wisely, they’ve left the classic Tower Inn restaurant and lounge alone, and to up the vintage quotient even more, they host an antique car show every Saturday night. They’re open 24 hours, just like the sign says, and their Pizza, Beer, Bowling and Mini-Golf league is just one more reminder why America is the greatest nation on earth, ever.
[6323 Sixth Ave., Tacoma, 253.564.8853, www. towerlanes.net]