STEPH DEROSA: 97.7 THE EAGLE STURGIS GIRL MODEL SEARCH >>>
Excuse me while I get my Thesaurus ready. I’m going to need all the different adjectives I can find to describe how much fun last night was. And by “fun†I don’t mean “Steph gets drunk and shows her boobs†kind of fun. What I mean is, “Steph sits back and watches all the various types of craziness go down.†I spoke maybe a total of 20 words the entire night. I simply sat back and soaked it all in.
I was graciously asked by the powers above (read: no one else wanted to do it) to represent the Weekly Volcano at the judge’s table for the 97.7 The Eagle Sturgis Girl Model Search. The contest was held at Lady Luck’s Cowgirl Up, which is the Parkland equivalent to an internationally renowned bar known as Coyote Ugly. I’m not gonna lie, these girls were smokin’ hot. Not only the models were hot, but also the servers who brought us beer and danced on the catwalk. It was a major blow to my self esteem and body image, but it was all good times nonetheless.
Ron Harris from 97.7 The Eagle’s Ron Harris Show was the emcee for the evening and he did a mighty fine job. The minute he saw the contestants roll in, his hands started shaking and sweat poured from his glands. I’m sure he had a raging boner for the rest of the night.
There were seven contestants total, and from what Ron and his friend
Jimmy were telling me, it was going to be a tough round to judge.
Apparently the previous contest was a blow out in the fact that there
was only one girl who was hot enough to claim the title. This time all
girls entered could hold their own. Or at least if Ron and Jimmy had
it their way, these girls would be holding them. I watched the eye
contact between Ron up on the stage and Jimmy sitting next to me. One
would look at the other and raise an eyebrow as if to say, “I would so
wreck this girl in bed.â€
The stench of testosterone wafted past me throughout the night as I
judged all three sections of this model search contest: Biker Gear,
Lingerie, and Swimwear. I immediately took a liking to two of the
girls: Tony (number 6) and Ruby (number 7). Tony was awesome because
this hot chick had balls. During the “biker gear†portion she stripped
off her leather coat to reveal nothing but pasties on perfectly mounted
breasts. I saw Ron Harris begin to hyperventilate, but thanks to his
professionalism he kept his composure and resumed the interview.
Yes, that’s right, they were interviewed. Challenging and thought
provoking questions were examined such as, “Have you ever ridden a
motorcycle?†Or, “What state is Sturgis in?†The best answers came
from the question, “Why should you get picked to be a Sturgis Model?â€
I chose the winning answer to be, “Because I like to get drunk and show
my tits.†Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner!
I think one entry was so drunk she could hardly talk or keep herself on
stage. I gave her low scores. You gotta be able to rock the underwear
AND walk in those five-inch platform heels if ya wanna be a winner,
babe.
As with any alcohol-induced model contest, I witnessed a fight amongst
two boys almost break out. The troublemaker was thrown from the
premises, and the victim remained inside to continue his party. He
also continued to tell the story to anyone that would listen.
Remember, he was the victim. I’m sure he did nothing to instigate the
battle.
The Ghetto Beat Backward Hat Squad was out in full force last night.
Dudes with their camera phones were on guard throughout the evening,
which raises a question: Why are these guys taking pictures? Are they
going to have a special photo album to show all their friends when they
come over to play Grand Theft Auto on their Xbox? “Dude! Check out my
new “Hot girls I’ll never sleep with but I stalk anyway by taking
pictures of them’ album!†Sheesh.
This guy is saying, “Yo man, I would
totally take one of these girls home tonight, but I think I may go home
with a case of whiskey dick instead.â€
Well, my girl Ruby won the grand title as the 97.7 The Eagle’s Sturgis
Girl, but they are sending Ruby, Tony, and some other forgettable
contestant with red hair to the finals as well.
As I attempted to squeeze my way out of a bar filled with sweaty nut
sack-stench, I was able to once again demonstrate my quick camera draw
technique and catch some shots of Cowgirl Up body shots. I wonder how
much he had to pay for that performance? And why are there a high
number of the female patrons witnessing this? Where are his buddies?
But most importantly I’d like to ask: How quickly did he run to the
bathroom afterward to rub one out?
Thank you Lady Luck Cowgirl Up and 97.7 The Eagle. It was a blast, and I hope to see you all again soon!
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