If I hadn't written my column on White Trash Night this week, I certainly would have been tempted to cover the Fool's Fest at Hell's Kitchen featuring I-Defy. I've been trying to cover those jokers for what seems like forever, and every time it's just about to happen, something falls through - the band goes on hiatus or my mind does.
Anyway, those guys sound like Pearl Jam (not really), and I dig the hell out of them. One of these days, hopefully sooner rather than later, they'll make their way into my column.  With The Spazms, Bristle, Broken Oars, Jackmove, Toe Tag, Artimus Maximus, Red White and Die, and The Black Sands.  9 p.m., 21+, $5, free sausages while they last, Hell's Kitchen, 3829 Sixth Ave., Tacoma, (253) 759-6003. - Matt Driscoll

Sometimes the best way to pass the day is by drinking - and when the sun is shining, nothing goes down smoother than a good, old-fashioned screwdriver. Knapp's Restaurant, in the heart of the Proctor Business District, is a tiny neighborhood bar, just the sort of place to spend a leisurely Sunday (or Wednesday, or Thursday ...) afternoon sprawled in a half-moon booth with the newspaper. (Might we suggest this week's Volcano?)  And a screwdriver is just the kind of drink to sip on such a lazy day. Knapp's puts a twist on the classic cocktail ($4) by using Vanilla Stoli instead of plain, boring vodka, which gives it a sweet, creamsicle-like taste. When you're done with the paper (but not the screwdrivers), enjoy Knapp's televisions, jukebox and solid comfort food.  So as the afternoon light hits Knapp's tinted windows, order another round. After all, what's so important that it can't be done tomorrow? 2707 N. Proctor, Tacoma, 759-9009.

Stereogum has posted an mp3 of The Flaming Lips performing "Bohemian Rhapsody" in NYC April 1.  It proves, once again, that no band can perform the song without the whole audience singing along. - Brad Allen

Def Leppard visit the White River Amphitheatre Aug. 31 to try to recapture their glory and dominance of the '80s hair metal scene. Gone are the mullets and ripped jeans in lieu of a more contemporary look, but don't be fooled, this is still the same Def Leppard: Joe Elliot's trademark vocals, two wailing guitarists, a driving bass line, and a one-armed drummer. Steve Perry-less Journey opens.  Tickets will go on sale Saturday, April 8, 10 a.m., at Ticketmaster. - Brad Allen

The Weekly Volcano and Jazzbones will sponsor a South Sound Music Contest with a winner's showcase concert Sept. 23 at Jazzbones on Sixth Avenue.  Categories and details to be announced in June.

Blues guitarist Malcolm Clark is moving back to Tacoma, according to inside sources.  A nice guy and great performer, the Ponder's Landmark Cafe actually named one of their fish (in a tank) after the man.  He's been hanging south near Chehalis but plans to reclaim his throne here in the South Sound soon.  Here's his gig schedule for April:
April 7: Seafarers Bar & Grill, Tacoma. 7-11 p.m.
April 21: O'Callahan's, Key Center, 9-1 a.m.
April 29: NW Harley Davidson - Lacey, The Blues Allstars 1-5 p.m.
April 29: Seafarers Bar & Grill, Tacoma 7-11 p.m.

The return of Taco Thursdays at Destination Harley (2302 Pacific Hwy. E., Tacoma/Fife) is like the swallows returning to Capistrano ... but the tacos taste better. The food starts rolling out at 5 p.m. and goes back to the garage at 7 p.m. - Jason de Paul

Our friends at the Parkway Tavern (recently reviewed by the crack Volcano staff as having the best chilli in town) are hosting a barley wine festival on April 8 from noon into the late night.  Sixteen barley wines will be featured.  Despite its name, a Barley wine is very much a beer, albeit a very strong and often intense beer.  In fact, it's one of the strongest of the beer styles. - Jason de Paul.

Bobble Tiki finds it extremely frustrating focusing on his Playboy and reruns of "Match Game" at the same time.  But now a researcher has developed a way for liquid crystal material to instantly switch from seeing near to far across the eyeglasses' entire field of view. - Bobble Tiki

Look out, Tacoma. This is the most important mini I've written in some time.
It's a warning.
Today, April 4, my baby sister will turn 21. Just like you did when you turned 21, this likely means she's at the threshold of a binge that'll last weeks rather than days. She'll likely fall off of a barstool. She'll likely wonder where all her money went. She may even upchuck.
That's all fine and dandy, but what worries me is you scumbags. I know how you roll, Tacoma. I know you're 28, live in your mom's basement, and go to the bar every weekend just hoping to run into a girl like my baby sister, drunk off her ass and ready to act adult.
Keep your hands off her. I know where you live.
That's all I have to say on the subject. - Matt Driscoll