STEPH DEROSA: DINNER WITH DEROSA >>>

The fine people of the Weekly Volcano World Headquarters still seem to think it’s a good idea to give me access to media/press passes.  Until they figure out that their precious reputation is getting nothing but tarnished by this, I will continue to graciously accept said elite badges of honor.

My guests for this week’s Dinner with DeRosa are all individuals who unfortunately (or fortunately) fell into my line of fire as I made my mark on Tall Ships Tacoma this weekend.

Immediately upon entering the media area at Tall Ships, I scoped out the room of desks where nerds like Scott Fontaine were on the spot blogging with access to super fast wi-fi Internet connections.  See, to be cool like me what you do is just wait until the last minute to write up your blog.  If you want to be even cooler you wait until after your editor has asked for it three times and threatened termination.  Not something I really recommend, but I feel cool nonetheless. 

Next I perused the media area’s free snack and beverages table.  Moon Pies, granola bars, and bananas made my tummy grumble as I filled up my purse with as much grub that would fit.   

Next stop: harass the innocent Tall Ships volunteers.  The main question I had for these ladies was, “What ship has the hottest sailors?”  The awesome Delphine, Arlene, and Kathy were quick to answer, “The USCGC Eagle!”  You know how I knew these ladies were so awesome?  They already had picture proof of the sailor hotness.  I looked at the pictures, picked my jaw up off the ground, and quickly reserved my spot for an interview with the gorgeous young lads.

The next day I showed up for my interviews and ship tours they had set up for me.  I was told I’d be given a personal escort.  Wait, they were giving me an escort?  And I didn’t have to pay for him?  Could I pick him out, or what?  I was so excited.  I licked my lips and fluffed my hair as I anxiously waited for my partially tattooed exchange student from Spain to enter the room. 

Instead I got Sharon.  Even though it was the FIFTH of July (Sharon, I’m talking to you), she had American Independence flowing through her veins.  So much so that it bled all the way into her fingernails.  See for yourself.

We immediately bonded and raced down to the USCGC Eagle to interview hot cadets.  Petty Officer Sean Eggert was our liaison.  He was so chill he didn’t even flinch when I requested to talk to a cadet “with some personality, please.”  You know it’s like pulling teeth trying to spotlight a boring geek with questions.

Petty Officer Eggert took a few minutes below deck, and resurfaced with Alexander Rulon in tow.  Eeee-yikes, he was cute.  This fresh 19 year old will be this Thursday’s victim in the Weekly Volcano’s print version of Trouble With DeRosa.  Pick one up and check it out, yo.

So, just for fun â€" let me show you the velocity of hotness that was going on aboard this ship:

I learned a new word that will from now on have multiple perverted meanings:  Baggy Wrinkle.  Baggy Wrinkle is the rope looking stuff on the lines that keeps the sails from chaffing.  Baggy Wrinkle.  Tee-hee!  Makes me giggle.

The line to get aboard the USCGC Eagle had a wait of over an hour.  I couldn’t imagine waiting in a line like that for anything but an all male nude review, so I asked Samantha if it was worth it.  Her answer: “Oh heck yes!”  Good to hear, Samantha.  She did have one small complaint that she had waited for hours in the line just the day before, but the event closed for the day before she could board the Eagle.  So, today she had to pay the $20 again, only to wait back in line, again.  Shouldn’t there be some sort of stamp or something so she could just come back the next day â€" since she had been waiting all that time the day before?

It didn’t take much to convince my personal escort Sharon to hijack one of the golf carts and motor my butt through Tall Ships.  She was just as naughty as I was, and I loved it.  We had Tall Ships at our fingertips.  We then met up with Captain Robin Patterson of Tug Joe, the local tugboat here in town.

16-year-old Nicole Rambo was going through all ships, making sure to get her passport stamped and taking the time to get crew signatures.

Sharon and I stopped for some Hawaiian Ice as we sat on the Glass Museum steps and people watched.  I don’t remember this guy’s name, but he is a retired Marine that came to us chocked full of dirty jokes.  He made me laugh, and I liked him.

Jack Sparrow was in full effect.  The way he glanced my body up and down…wow…just wow.  He made my knees buckle simply with his eyes.  He didn’t even say a single word, and I buckled like a perverted soufflé. 
Since I wasn’t going to be getting any action from any real sailors or pirates, I found my own perfect blow up doll.

A couple of hours later, we returned with the golf cart (keeping our occasional stroller collision to a minimum), and boy oh boy, were we in trouble.  I still had to tour the Kaisei and HMS Bounty, but they were not letting Sharon and I go alone again.  We were busted, and this time they sent a third escort with us.  This is where the fun ended, and I had to simply keep my mouth shut and take pictures.  Sharon and I both pouted. 

Fortunately, I was allowed to take some time and talk to a crewmember of the Kaisei.  It took he and his seven-member crew nine and a half days to sail their ship from Sausalito, CA into our tiny port.  The northwest winds were so strong coming up the coast that it literally beat them up, as they could only use gas power (not sails) to move forward.   He also shared with me that since the Kaisei was originally used for Japanese sail training, that all instructions and gadgets were in Japanese.  It makes for the initial learning curve to be a bit more ridged, but “It’s an easy ship to navigate,” the sailor stated.

I boarded the HMS Bounty and bit my tongue as the new no-frills escort micro-managed me.  I managed to escape my leash and snap a few shots of the Bounty before my time at Tall Ships was up.

I’ll definitely be back to Tall Ships the next time they come around. Let’s just hope they’ve forgotten my name by then, and all the charges have dropped.

LINK: Dinner with DeRosa archive