SUZY STUMP: PRINT THIS OUT AND MAIL IT OFF >>>

Does your family like to compose those stupid holiday letters that nobody reads? Let me save you a little time during this busy season â€" just copy the letter below, circle the proper selections, fill in the blanks and voila! You’re done!

Dear ______________,

Hello again and Happy Holidays from the _________________! Hope you’re having a wonderful (Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Solstice/Tribal Council)!

2008 has been a (busy/difficult/drunken) year for us here in _______. Ever since Dad lost his job at the (plant/brewery/pharmaceutical testing lab), it’s been a little tough to make ends meet. Not to worry, though â€" Mom is picking up the slack by taking in (laundry/sewing/johns)!

The kid(s) are doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances. Our (oldest/only) (son/daughter/stepchild/demon spawn) has managed to avoid (school/prison/dope) for another year, while little _______ shows signs of developing a real talent for (sport/music/marksmanship). Even better news â€" those trusty ol’ DNA tests have proven once and for all that our little brood is the fruit of Dad’s loins despite his insistence that the kid(s) (all) kind of look like (the mailman/his brother/Rachel Maddow).

On a sad note, we did lose (Grandpa/Grandma/Fluffy) this year. (He/She) always got a big kick out of (chasing cars/skateboarding/ streetcorner preaching), and the coroner said (he/she) probably never saw the bus that finally got (him/her).

Meanwhile, Cousin _______ did not fare well during (his/her) recent (stress test/gender crisis/parole hearing). Still, (his/her) (doctor/psychiatrist/warden) insists that (he/she) can expect a speedy (recovery/approval for implant surgery/execution).

Now some good news: Aunt _______ won a huge pot of cash playing (bingo/the lottery/high stakes poker) last October! Her winnings helped her family through Uncle _______’s recent (surgery/litigation/indecent exposure charges) with enough left over to pay for Auntie’s (BMW/defibrillator/personal masseuse from Argentina named Raoul).

Our friends and neighbors have had an interesting year as well. The family next door had to leave their home due to (mold spores/sheriff’s orders/our little one’s fascination with arson). The whole neighborhood turned out at the church down the street for a benefit supper for them which our family (organized/wasn’t told about).

For our best friends, the _______, 2008 was a year full of (joy/embarrassment/bench warrants). After a long and difficult time, they’ve finally gotten (new jobs/their dream home/divorced). 2009 can only get better!

That’s all the news from our home here in _____________.

If you’re ever in our neck of the woods, be sure and (stop by/drive past/pay us the money you owe us).

That’s about it for now! Have a great (Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Solstice/ Intifadah/Sortie) and a Happy New Year!

Love,
Us!