STEPH DEROSA: UN-WICH

Rating: 3 out of 4 croutons

We had heard a while back from some East Coast friends that Jimmy John’s was the shit. And by that I mean, awesome. It was up to us to decide, for when a new Jimmy John’s store opened near the Tacoma Mall we were all about our own true taste test. The conclusion we came to after only seconds of deliberation after our first bite was indeed “awesome.”

Although they do have amazing sandwich bread, being a tad bit health conscious leads me to often asking for a salad alternative. One thing any customer will learn within minutes of entering Jimmy John’s is that they DO NOT do salads. Seriously, they even have it on the back of their shirts. So what is a salad lover to do at Jimmy John’s? I’ll tell you: order their version of a salad called the “Un-Wich.”

Description: A perfectly green, un-bruised, and un-torn thick piece of iceberg lettuce tightly wraps what innards lay within the sandwich of your choice. Sandwich fixin’s include anything from apple smoked ham, bacon, turkey, roast beef, and tuna salad to tomatoes, special sauces, and my favorite: hot peppers. It’s a salad you can eat with one hand, and how it’s made is totally up to you.

Taste: All food items at Jimmy John’s are quality. They can afford to take extra steps preventing un-fresh items and poor quality simply by constant food rotation. The sheer volume these guys are doing makes it impossible for any item to go stale. For this reason, each filling of the Un-Wich is impeccably tasty and fresh. Best part of all: No croutons. I loathe croutons.

Conclusion: Like I said, you can eat this with one hand. So when it comes to having a healthy, fast alternative to a sandwich, I highly suggest Jimmy John’s Un-Wich. Have you ever tried to eat a salad in the car? It’s a mess. You need a fork, dressing gets all over, and lettuce ends up under your seat. I think this is why most people needing a quick lunch fix choose artery clogging foods like burgers â€" it’s just easier to eat on the go. Even subs are a mess; you really do need two hands for that sucker. Not the Un-Wich and its tightly wrapped contents â€" that right there is easy, healthy eatin’, my friend.

Dressing on the Side
Not having anything to do with two-handed eating, I’d like to tell you about one of my most recent disturbing discoveries: The Booty Caller. I was appalled when I heard of this “Booty Caller” service which texts you on your cell phone letting you know when exactly you are ovulating, so that you may procreate with your partner in order to get pregnant. No, I’m not lying, this really exists. The testimonies these women give concerning this service are the worst part, and infuriate me to no end. One lady said she was thankful for the Booty Caller service because she was just SO busy with three kids that she had no time to keep track of her ovulation, and really wanted to have a fourth. What the fuck, lady? If you have no time to know when your damn period is, how the hell are you going to have time for a fourth child?!? What a selfish bitch. I feel sorry for that fourth child who she obviously will have no time for.

Another testimony was from a lady who said she has meetings after work sometimes, and if the Booty Caller texts her she will leave the meeting early to go have sex with her husband. Lady, I’m sorry you need a text to remind you to have sex. Good luck with that.

[Jimmy John’s Gourmet Sandwiches, 4027 Tacoma Mall Blvd., Tacoma, 253.471.3000]

LINK: Jimmy John's review

LINK: South Sound Restaurant Guide