STEPH DEROSA: CELEBRATES AT MASA SUNDAY, EMBELLISH IN APRIL >>>

How do you review a coffee bar? Or rather, why would you? Although the level of coffee connoisseurship in Tacoma is on the rise, even the most exacting bean fiend might find the process futile. A barista either knows what he’s doing or he doesn’t. The beans are either sustainably grown, fair trade, and freshly roasted or they’re not. Beyond that â€" and the presumptive niceties, like free wi-fi, a solid refill policy, and blueberry-muffins â€" what else is there?

Well, as of Feb. 19, there’s Satellite Coffee Co. inside Masa. And my review is in â€" superb! Now I can shake my ass in front of Handful of Luvin’ in Masa’s main room, grab a jolt of jitters, then go shake my ass again. Satellite’s satellite â€" a 24 seat café located in Masa’s former front-room kitchenette â€" serves Stumptown Coffee via a sturdy LaMarzocco espresso machine. Best of all, Masa’s late-night food window is now Satellite’s walk-up/bike-up/stumble-out-of-Masa-happy-hour-and-lean-up-against window.

Over the past couple of weeks Masa and Satellite have solidified their relationship. They can work together in steam and harmony. It’s time to celebrate. The duo will exchange “best friend” necklace halves while they prick their fingers to become blood brothers â€" and it’s all happening this Sunday, March 15, at an open house inside Masa beginning at 11 a.m. There will be coffee tastings at 11 a.m. and 3 p.m. Stumptown Coffee will have a
presentation at 1 p.m. And the best part â€" Satellite will be offering free French press coffee all day.

But that’s not all. Two Satellite Coffees is good, but three is even better.

I was finally able to pin down Zachary Marvick of Satellite the other day and begged him to give me the skinny on their much anticipated third Satellite Coffee location, to be located inside Embellish Multispace Salon. (Now don’t go getting all weirded out about the fact that Embellish is primarily a salon â€" they have the word “multispace” in their name, so it’s totally OK to put in a Satellite Coffee. Trust me, I’m a columnist.)

Zach stroked my nosiness during my inquisitive conversation with him. I learned that the Market Street side of the Embellish building is where Satellite patrons will enter, and the coffee purveyors will split the space with a juice bar appropriately named “Smooth & Juicy.” Together they hope to establish a great downtown clientele â€" catering to suits and YMCA gym members-types. With this new juice bar serving power shakes, and Satellite coffee simply being in existence â€" I really don’t see the need to go anywhere else for a boost of energy before or after a little gym workout.

While it’s a ways off, on Wednesday April 1, Satellite Coffee will be hosting an open house upstairs inside Embellish Salon for Tacoma locals to come and see what all the new coffee hub-bub is about. Visitors will be able to catch a glimpse of Satellite’s third location and learn more about the pre-purchased coffee memberships this java empire will soon be offering.

Say what? Pre-purchased coffee memberships? Please, allow me to explain.

Zach tells me that this downtown Satellite Coffee expansion will offer coffee lovers the ability to buy membership-type cards that include “lattés for a year” or, even better, a “lifetime of lattés” â€" though only three “lifetime of lattes” cards will be sold. Even more exciting than the incredible feeling of nature’s legal stimulant running through your veins until your eventual nursing home death at the ripe age of 89 â€" every person that purchases a “lifetime of lattes card” will have their beautiful face depicted by a local artist on Satellite’s future wall mural inside their Embellish Multispace location.

I’ll see you on April 1, Satellite!

Wait, I’ll see you Sunday, Satellite!

[Satellite Coffee at Masa, 6 a.m. to 6 p.m. Monday-Friday, 8 a.m. to 2 p.m. Saturday-Sunday, 2811 Sixth Ave., Tacoma, 253.254.0560]

Photo: Travis Pelligrini serves coffee from Satellite Coffee'swalk-up window at Masa